Our first and (spoilers?) more than likely only show in association with Schtank industries was…certainly… a thing. A thing… that happened. Yes. Anyway, you should watch the show, too see the things, these things which happened. Also, some weird nonsense went down with Twitch, so THE PERMANENT LINK gets all weird in the main event and throws up server errors no matter what I do, so if you got here soon enough, THE TEMPORARY ONE just has those parts with the audio muted. Anyway, watch it, then come back now, ya hear?
DARK MATCH 1: Ryan Grabowski defeated Halle Burial in 17:42 with an avalanche power slam – 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Yet another one of those matches where the two trainees kinda kill it out there, and I start to wonder why we bother with a main roster. Not sure when Hoss wants to do another one of those Graduation Day gimmicks, but if we can scrape enough cash to make contract offers, the youngest Grabowski and the Rolling Blackouts are pretty much ready to go at this point.
DARK MATCH 2: Atomic Dog & Buster Samson defeated The Lads in 24:41 when Dog hit O’Connell with the Atomic Press – 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This time, it’s trainees versus free agents, and once again, the trainees looked like polished pros and actually won the match. I’m still not seeing the Dog live up to his insane, high-flying reputation, but at least he won a match for once. Maybe the problem is that all he’s had to go up against are other heavyweights?
DARK MATCH 3: Ivan Grozny Jr. defeated William Nilly in 12:37 with a gutwrench powerbomb – 82% ⭐⭐⭐
Well, this actually went better than planned. The low man on the Hoss Dojo totem pole faced off against the guy that pretty much destroyed Skip Legday a while back, and somehow, no one died. Hell, there was even a point where Nilly almost pulled off a goddamn miracle on a flash small package. In the end, the gigantic-yet-surpisingly-athletic muscleman won over the lil guy in fleshtone gear.
FALL FORWARD #3
MATCH 1: Captain STRUGGLE defeated Jackson Victory in 17:09 with a phoenix splash – 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
We kick off the cruiserweight title tournament with a showdown between two ridiculous weirdos, which could theoretically be 90% of our roster. The company mascot/superhero (I guess?) comes out on top over the very-specific-period-of-Michael-Jackson impersonator, and moves on to face Agent Fan in round two.
MATCH 2: Uno Muerte defeated Froggy Terry in 12:56 via countout – 76% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This match was pretty disappointing, and the Nerd Rating reflects this. Muerte is a high-flyer without peer, and Terry is whatever the fuck he is, but they just kinda… wrestled for a while, and then right as business picked up, Terry’s dumb ass got counted out. Muerte moves on to face Tupac Machine.
MATCH 3: The Righteous Brothers defeated the Rockin’ Rocksmen in 16:02 when Brother Klaw hit Roland with a diving brain chop – 75% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This was the Humble Ministries debut of the former Uberklaw, who is now apparently going by Brother Klaw, and facing a pair of senior citizens, this was going about how you’d expect for the most part. But then, outta goddamn nowhere, Rollin’ Rocky, just.. left. He just peaced out, leaving Rockin’ Roland to get smashed upon by the fully-formed tag team, and after damn near 40 years, it looks like the Rockin’ Rocksmen are no more.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Hello out there, wrestling fans! Murray Stadankowicz here, joined by one half, or perhaps a former half or the Rockin’ Rocksmen, Rollin’ Rocky. And Rocky, the question on everyone’s mind is – Why? Why did you abandon your partner out there!
ROCKY: Because I’m sick of it, Murray! I’m sick of losing! I’m sick of dragging that 200 pounds of dead weight around on my back! I’ve been in this business for 40 years, Murray. And that’s a longer career than most wrestlers can ever dream of, but it also means I ain’t got much time left. And I’m not gonna waste my time playing nostalgia act for all these idiots with some doughy old burnout who doesn’t even know how to take care of himself!
MURRAY: Now, you can’t be serious!
ROCKY: I’m damn serious! Here, let me show you how serious I am!
(ROCKY walks off camera, then returns with a Rockin’ Rocksmen T-shirt and a lighter. Without a word, he flicks his Bic and sets the shirt ablaze)
ROCKY: See this? THIS is how serious I am! The Rocksmen are NO. MORE.
(ROCKY throws the still-burning shirt down and leaves)
MURRAY: My goodness! Could this be the end of the Rockin’ Rocksmen!?
MATCH 4: The Phantom Rocker defeated Mika Kanemura in 12:37 with a Double-lotation Moonsault – 72% ⭐⭐
So the Notoriety people sent a couple of their wrestlers over here to make their North American debut, and I guess nobody told the Rocker that it was supposed to be her opponent showing off. In the end, Rocker not only won, but won with a goddamn double-lotation moonsault, a move we had only seen from Immortan Jimmy‘s crazy ass before now. In fact this may be the first time anyone’s ever seen anyone else at all even attempt what’s pretty much the most insanely stupid move possible, at least in this region. This is a real potential game-changer in the women’s division. Meanwhile, Kanemura looked to be in a bad way after the match, but the early diagnosis is that she just got the wind knocked out of her, which is understandable.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(After the match, a jubilant PHANTOM ROCKER hurries backstage, and after receiving high praise from several of her fellow wrestlers, she makes a beeline toward her semi-estranged older sister, currently-injured wrestler moonlighting as a referee, DONITA ZAPATA. It is immediately apparent that Donita has partaken of more than a few complimentary backstage beverages.)
ROCKER: Oh my god! I did it! I finally did it! Did you see that?
DONITA: (groggily) Uhh, Do what now?
ROCKER: I hit it! I finally hit it!
DONITA: What? Maaan, I don’t wanna know that shit.
ROCKER: What?
DONITA: Well, y’know… whatever happens in your bedroom is your business… And grosses me out, for real.
ROCKER: What the HELL are you talking about? I finally pulled off that move!
DONITA: Oh Jesus, that’s even worse.
ROCKER: Goddammit, Donita, a wrestling move!
DONITA: Ohhhhhhhhhh. That makes more sense.
ROCKER: Were you even watching!?
DONITA: Nnnnnope.
ROCKER: Wait… (looking down at DONITA’s cooler) How many of those have you had?
DONITA: Welp. Found out I had the day off, and that means I ain’t counting. And now, iiiiit’s nap tiiiime.
(DONITA leans back and almost immediately falls asleep. ROCKER just shakes her head in disgust and walks off.)
MATCH 5: Captain STRUGGLE defeated Agent Fang i n 17:00 with Sweet STRUGGLE Music – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Welp. This is the further continuation of what has been an extremely bad run for the Evil Administration, as there will be no second title reign for Agent Fang, at least not any time soon. Which is funny, because this whole damn thing came about in the first place because of First Lady Evil trying to re-enthrone Fang without a match. And failing. You hate to see it, folks. I mean, you don’t actually hate to see it, but you know what I mean.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Welcome back, wrestling fans! We’ve just seen Agent Fang eliminated from the cruiserweight title tournament, continuing the Evil Administration’s losing streak. But with me at this time is an Administration member who’s looking to turn it all around, ladies and gentlemen, two-time STRUGGLE women’s champion, Becky With the Evil Hair!
BECKY: Three-time champion, Murray. Get it right.
MURRAY: Excuse me? I’m pretty sure you won the belt – on both occasions from PARTY TIGER – just twice?
BECKY: No Murray, it’s three times. Because I can’t lose. I’m so certain to beat Jezebel and take my belt back that it might as well have already happened. Murray, the women’s championship is mine. (she gets a crazed look in her eyes) Every time I close my eyes, it’s all I can see. I can feel it. I can taste it, Murray. Do you understand me!? I own that belt! Nothing will stop me from bringing it back where it belongs!
MURRAY: Now, it’s worth pointing out, Becky, that STRUGGLE management has taken into consideration the… abundance of outside interference in both your title win over TIGER and your title loss to Jezebel. And not only are all other wrestlers and any other members of The Evil Administration or Jezebel-Gun barred from ringside, but the entire ring will be enclosed inside a steel cage!
BECKY: Did you not hear me!? Get this through your tiny little brain: NOTHING WILL STOP ME! Not some cage, not management stacking the deck against me, and definitely not some overgrown redneck who’s pretending to be the champion! I was the champion! I will be the champion! I AM THE CHAMPION!
(the camera pans back to reveal that the actual champion, JEZEBEL GRIM, has entered the backstage interview area)
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, STRUGGLE woman’s champion, Jezebel Grim!
JEZEBEL: Becky! You say you’re the champion? Well… (she removes the belt from her waist and holds it in BECKY’s face) This says otherwise! And you won’t have help this time. So when I get you in that cage, you’ll have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no one to save you! And you see, the difference between you and me is that you can come out here, all wide-eyed, all “ooh, look at me! I’m crazy! I got stupid-ass hair on purpose, and I’m obsessed with the title!” Well, motherfucker, I’m crazy too, but it’s the kind of crazy you don’t wanna be locked up in a cage with! So if you think for one second-
(Out of nowhere, AGENT BULLDOG appears behind JEZEBEL and buckles her knee with a direct shot from a goddamn nightstick, before peppering her back and rib area with more blows for good measure. With JEZEBEL on the ground, clutching her knee, BECKY grabs the title belt and kneels down, shoving it in in JEZBEL’s face)
BECKY: Look at it, Jezebel! Look at my belt! Remember it, bitch, because this is one of the last times you’ll ever see it!
(BECKY raises the belt triumphantly, before tossing it on the floor next to JEZEBEL. BECKY and BULLDOG then make a hasty retreat as the other two members of Jezebel-Gun rush into frame.)
MURRAY: Oh my goodness! We need some help here! The champ is down!
MATCH 6: Tupac Machine defeated Uno Muerte in 18:46 with Quite Mad at Cha – 91% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Way back when we had the first cruiserweight tournament, this was what everyone expected to be the final, but Pac got ousted early, and the whole thing got thrown into chaos when a goddamn Highlander of some sort crashed the party. Now that we finally get a meaningful match between the two, it delivered, with Muerte flying all over the goddamn place, and Pac seemingly attempting to keep up, even though he tends to stay on the ground more often than not. In the ends, wily veterans are gonna wily veteran, so after working over Muerte’s arms all match, Tupac Machine caught him off-guard with a hellacious Liger bomb out of seemingly nowhere. So with that, it’s Tupac Machine versus Captain STRUGGLE in the finals.
MATCH 7: Zippity Duda vs. Big Baby Lucifer was a NO CONTEST after the Ref Bot 9000 went berserk
Well, this… Yeah. This was actually turning out to be a really good match, with Zip more or less wrestling circles around the giant, Satanic baby-man, while Lucifer stayed seemingly one massive power move away from victory. And then fuckin’ Schtank’s unholy monster of a robotic referee just snapped and pretty much destroyed both wrestlers, with Zip getting slung around like a goddamn ragdoll and Lucifer taking a literal missile to the face. Both wrestlers were rushed to a local hospital after the Ref Bot 9000 locked up in a way that allowed paramedics and wrestlers to drag them out of the ring before it could start working again, and will probably miss significant time. Lucifer’s face bones got all busted up in addition to some pretty severe burns, Zip’s ribcage is a wistful memory at this point, he also damn near lost an eye, and both got the living shit concussed out of them. Honestly, they’re both lucky to be alive. I knew some shit like this would happen.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(As the REF BOT 9000 continues to malfunction, RUPRECHT SCHTANK obliviously continues his horrible DJ set, with bodyguard/personal assistant MYSTERIOUS WOMAN looking on. An absolutely enraged UNCLE ABDUL stomps into the scene, followed by a very disturbed-looking NATE RUGGLE. Without any hesitation, ABDUL snatches SCHTANK’s headphones off his head.)
ABDUL: SCHTANK! What the fuck was that!? That goddamn monster of yours just tried to kill two of my wrestlers!
SCHTANK: (rubbing his ear) Well, yes, it appears that way, but think of the vibes! The crowd has no idea what to expect!
ABDUL: The v- What the f- You mother- GAH! Get down from there, so I can whip your ass, you stupid son of a bitch!
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: Sir, shall I enact liquidation protocols?
SCHTANK: No, no, no. Not yet, at least. (to Abdul) Look, you just need to listen to reason here…
ABDUL: Reason!? REASON!? What is reasonable about that shit out there!? What the FUCK is a referee doing with a goddamn missile launcher!?
SCHTANK: Ohhhh, that. Well, you see, the Ref Bot 9000 is an offshoot of the Kill Bot 9000 program from Schtank Industries’ armaments division. It truly is a versatile platform.
NATE: Wait, wait wait… Are you saying that your robotic referee is just a war machine with a firmware update!?
SCHTANK: What? Oh no, my good man, it’s much more advanced than that! We put a little referee shirt on it, too!
(ABDUL starts to speak and/or knock the living shit out of SCHTANK, but before he can, the REF BOT 9000 suddenly approaches, moving awkwardly and twitching)
REF BOT 9000: REF B-B-B-B-BOT 9000… MALFUNCTION DETECTED… BZZZRRRTTTZZ… ERROR, ERROR… BZZZZTTT…. FATAL ERROR IN… FATAL… FATAL… KILL, KILL, KILL…. BRRRRZZZZRRBBBLLTTT…. MALFUNCTION…. REBOOTING
ABDUL: What the fuck is wrong with that thing!?
REF BOT 9000: BZZRRTTT… KEYWORD DETECTED… FUCK, FUCK, FUCK… BBRRRZZZZTT… REBOOTING… BZZZZZT…. FORNICATION PROTOCOLS ACTIVE…. CIVILIANS ARE ADVISED TO STAND CLEAR….
NATE: Did… Did that thing just say…
(THE REF BOT 9000 takes off it’s lil referee shirt – don’t get excited, there’s just robot parts under it, you perverts – and starts slowly walking in a very awkward, hip-swinging gait toward ABDUL, who looks absolutely horrified, and quickly draws a ball-peen hammer from his pockets)
ABDUL: Uhhhh… W-what did- what is it doing now!?
SCHTANK: Oh, that. Uhhh… (nervously) Well, you see, uhhhh…
ABDUL: Spit it out!
REF BOT 9000: BZZZRRTT… OH BABY, OH BABY… BZZZZT… MALFUNCTION… BZZZT… KILL, KILL, KILL… BZZZZT
SCHTANK: Well, it just that… You see, the Kill Bot 9000 was an offshoot of the, uhh… Sex Bot 9000 program. Seriously, it truly is a versatile platform.
NATE: But can it be turned off!?
SCHTANK: (sighs) I guess… Mysterious Woman. Enact shutdown procedures.
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: immediately, sir.
(without another word, MYSTERIOUS WOMAN draws a bigass revolver that seems way too large to have been hidden anywhere on her person, places it at the base of the REF BOT 9000s head, and blows it completely off the body.)
REF BOT 9000: BZZZZRRTT…. FATAL ERROR… BZZZTT… WAS IT GOOD… BZZZZTT… FOR YOU…. BAY… BEEEeeee… *bloop*
(The REF BOT 9000 dies, followed by a very understandable awkward silence.)
SCHTANK: Well, not to worry, I can just get the boys from R&D to send up another Kill Bot, and it shouldn’t take long to-
ABDUL: No! We’re finishing this show with a human referee!
(A few feet away, a suddenly-awake (but still absolutely shit-hammered) DONITA ZAPATA jumps to her feet, sending an assortment of empty beer bottles and candy wrappers falling to the floor from her chair)
DONITA: Allriiiight, let’ssss fuccchhkin’ goooo!
NATE: Oh dear god….
COMMERCIALS! We had to cut away pretty quick after the robot rampage, so the thing that records the commercials on a speparate file never got started. But if you watched the stream, you’ve seen them already. You did watch it, right?
MATCH 8: Yumiko La Grange defeated Violence Khunbish in 35:49 with a Japanese Ocean Suplex – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
God damn. somehow on a match where a killer robot went insane, this ended up being the most gruesome spectacle on the card. Apparently tasked with eliminating Yumiko over some old drama, the big Mongolian pulled out all the stops early, most notably bringing a goddamn staple gun into the ring. The problem there is that Khunbish is a mean motherfucker, but wholly unprepared for the reality that Yumiko is pretty much the mean motherfucker, and actually ended up being the first to start gushing blood all over that shiny, new, formerly white canvas. And while Yumiko ended up eventually getting the worse of the metal-to-forehead action, she still got the win in an insane epic that looked like it would challenge the 1 hour time limit for a while there. And after losing roughly 99.99% of the blood in her body, Yumiko was pretty woozy backstage, but after getting stitched up and being rushed to a local Waffle House after the show by her J-Gun teammates, (with Jezebel conspicuously walking with a heavy limp) she’s officially considered day-to-day, as are we all. Before all this went down, though, she cut a promo in the ring that her cousin Toshiyo was kind enough to translate for us:
YUMIKO: With apologies to the people here in attendance, who will more than likely have absolutely no idea what I am saying or even talking about…
(from here on, everything is translated from Japanese)
YUMIKO: NODAWA-SAN! Really? This is how it is? It’s been almost twenty years, and you’re not over me leaving? You’re still blaming me for your own failures? You know what? Fine. Go ahead. I’m a big girl; I can take it. Keep telling yourself that I’m the reason you had to sell your mansion. Keep saying to anyone that will listen that I’m why OJW folded or why your real estate company went bankrupt. Every time you get all “creepy grandpa” with one of the nineteen year-old dojo trainees, and they ask you why you’re just giving them jewelry, when the girls back in the 1990s got houses? Go ahead, keep telling them it’s because of me. There, you’re welcome. Glad I could help! But this!? Sending your wrestlers across an entire ocean to try and get some sort of meaningless revenge? Are you crazy? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM!? Well, I hope you’re watching, so that know you’ll know. THIS is who I am, and THAT – (she points at KHUNBISH, struggling to her knees in a pool of blood) is what I do! So you have two choices. Either let it go and move on or keep sending them to me to be knocked down. According to you, I already closed down one promotion of yours… What’s one more?
COMMERCIALS! AGAIN! – Had some technical glitches and needed to fill some dead air. Nothing to see here.
MATCH 9: Tupac Machine defeated Captain STRUGGLE in 29:31 with All Armz on Me to become the NEWWWWWWW (sort of) STRUGGLE Cruiserweight Champion – 93% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
The tournament final came down to Pac and STRUGGLE (the guy, not the promotion), and this was simply a case where Tupac Machine would absolutely not be denied. Upon being stripped of the title by the Tri-State Athletic Commission, he was more than a little bit pissed off, and that could explain the part where he bailed out and grabbed a damn baseball bat at one point. Either way, his late-career renaissance continues after a brief hiccup, and even in a loss, Captain STRUGGLE has firmly established himself as a real contender, and not just a multi-color weirdo. I mean, he’s still a multi-color weirdo, but he’s not JUST that, you know? Anyway, the disturbance in the Force has been smoothed out, and the leader of B.A.R.S. is once again cruiserweight champion of the world. In other words…
