Tag Archives: news

STRUGGLE SESSION #7

COOL ZONE #4 CARD

Rodimus Primo vs. Tupac Machine

This is Primo’s first match since losing the title to Immortan Jimmy and Tupac’s first since tapping out to Zippity Duda at a house show. Needless to say, both guys are desperate for a win, and this should be good.

Humble Ministries vs. The 46 Defenders

Due to the screwed up nature of the tag tournament, there are a lot of teams with strong claims to being number one contender, such as these two. The Defenders got eliminated via a time limit draw and a double-countout and the Ministry came within two battle royal eliminations of not only getting into the tournament, but bypassing the first round. Also, HOSSSSS FIIIIGHT.

Stormy Knight vs. Jezebel Grim

Stormy has embarked on some sort of crusade against all of STRUGGLE’s 40 year olds and wrestlers who broke in via familial ties, and Jezebel (a third-generation wrestler, for the record) is just pissed that Stormy broke her tag team partner’s arm.

Skull Mayday vs. Garfield Vanzetti

Vanzetti still has this strange and nonsensical notion that Skull Mayday is actually Skip Legday in a clever disguise. He demanded this match, which doesn’t seem very wise on his part, as there’s a decent chance that not-Skip tears his arms off and beats him with them. But then again, no one ever accused Garfield of being a mental giant.

CRUISERWEIGHY CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy (c) vs. Jackson Victory

Jimmy has looked Ike an unstoppable juggernaut as of late, but Jackson has looked impressive as hell in recent house shows. Only time will tell whether apparent immortality and all the advantages that come with it can overcome the raw power of The Jacksons’ classic 1986 album.

Big Bird Machine vs. Agent 35

Bird’s back after suffering a brutal attack at the hands of the Evil Administration following his appearance at Warrior Pro’s Warriorversary II show. And while the seemingly eternal rivalry between him and his former protégé President Evil is the marquee matchup, 35 was particularly brutal in the aforementioned incident, and he ends up first on the revenge tour. This could get ugly.

WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: PARTY TIGER (c) vs. Pam From Human Resources

So last time around, TIGER and Pam were tag partners against a desperate former champion and her English-challenged partner. In that match, Pam absorbed a pretty savage beating from Yumiko La Grange that freed TIGER up to get the pin on Crawdad Hoshino. And TIGER hasn’t forgotten that, so she granted Pam a title shot in gratitude, which could end up filed under “things that backfired horribly” once this is over.

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: BIG BOI SEASON (c) vs. Team Twizzy

Hey, speaking of screwy finishes from the tag tournament, here’s a rematch of the final. And this time around, there will be no time limits and no count outs, so whoever wins will get to erase the asterisk from the list of champions. It’s the power of darkness vs. the power of dark meat chicken.

NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP OPEN CHALLENGE BARBED WIRE MATCH: Tony Unity (c) vs. ???

So for some reason, Tony Unity has decided that this match isn’t actually going to take place alongside the rest of the show, and will instead emanate from the EWX/Unity United Records Wrestlebasement, and be broadcast to the Twitch stream via satellite. Of course “via satellite” is a dubious claim, and I doubt EXW has sent up any goddamn rockets lately, but I guess “via Wi-Fi” doesn’t sound as cool. But something about this whole situation stinks, and considering how the last few “open challenges’ have gone, I think that little bastard is up to something.

NEWS, NOTES, ETC.

HOSS DOJO FACILITY COMPLETE

The fourth stop on the COOL ZONE tour will actually be something tour-like, as it will take place at the brand new Hoss Dojo facility. The building is located just off the highway between the old Walmart and Grim Holler. Old Ross Gracie is really proud of the new building, which features such state-of-the-art amenities as an exercise bike, indoor plumbing, a dirt floor, and a vintage poster of Emmitt Smith for inspiration to the trainees.

WAR PARTY 2021 ANNOUNCED

One of the more popular events from the old days returns, as WAR PARTY 2021 has officially been scheduled as the big blow-off to the current tour. If you weren’t around before the bankruptcy, it’s a show built around teams of four (or more, but we’re easing back into it with four this time) wrestlers apiece competing in sort of an elimination gauntlet match style thing, like some sort of series of matches that they have to survive.  A series of survival, if you will. Anyway, it’s roughly 100% likely that the main even will involve Big Bird Machine and The Evil Administration somehow, but we’ll see when we get there. Also, as is customary for a super-show of this caliber, all titles will be defended.

LOCAL WEATHER WITH STORMY KNIGHT!

(THE SCENE: VELVEETA DREAM and VIRGINIA SLAMS are joined in progress, having been inserted into a virtual news studio via chroma key, an effect that had to have taken tens of dollars to pull off.)

VELVEETA DREAM: …and due to the lingering radiation, the mayor estimates a potential death toll in the thousands.

VIRGINIA SLAMS: (says something completely unintelligible, due to the toll an almost psychotic smoking habit has taken on her vocal cords, but is apparently amusing somehow)

DREAM: That sounds like a sticky situation if you ask me, Virginia!

(They both enjoy a hearty laugh, with VIRGINIA sounding like some kind of horror monster in the process)

DREAM: And now let’s go to Stormy Knight with the weekend forecast!

STORMY KNIGHT: Thanks, Dream! Taking a look at the Tri-State Area weather map, it looks like pretty bleak weather is headed our way once more. Out behind the 7-11 where PARTY TIGER just woke up, it’s going to be a wet one, as she just pissed her pants again! If we took a look down here at the La Grange residence, it looks like old Yumiko – and I do mean old – is going to be psychotic with a 100% chance of clinical depression! Now, if we check out the STRUGGLE News Storm Tracker, I’ve got some pretty bad news for the residents of Grim Holler. Looks like a 50% chance of Asperger’s for Junior, and Lorelei remains fat with a chance of inbreeding. And as for Jezebel? It looks like there’s a storm coming.

(her whole tone changes from perky weather girl to one of utter malevolence)

STORMY: This area of low pressure is an indicator that I’m going to beat your ass easily, so remember to take shelter immediately, possibly by not even bothering to show up. Remember, this is potentially a very dangerous storm, with the chance for extreme property damage. This may include uprooted trees, overturned vehicles, and severe structural damage, including broken arms.

(she switches back into meteorologist mode)

STORMY: So have a great weekend! And I’ll see you soon.

STRUGGLE SESSION #3! – Tag Tournament Bracket, and COOL ZONE #1 CARD

Well, the good news is that an actual STRUGGLE Pro show is imminent. The bad news is that thanks to the recent parking lot-based maelstrom of violence, we’ve had to completely rework the card and delay the tag title tournament’s opening stages until next time. So here’s what we’ve got lined up, with the ever-present “card subject to change” asterisk:

Click to enlarge if the poster text is too small
Continue reading STRUGGLE SESSION #3! – Tag Tournament Bracket, and COOL ZONE #1 CARD →

BREAKING NEWS: BIG BIRD MACHINE ATTACKED FOLLOWING WARRIORVERSARY II

(copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, I’m gonna send Rage Man to their office to get back all those free leftover Think Tanks shirts we gave them, by any means necessary – Abdul)

SAN JOSE – Chaos erupted backstage at Warrior Pro Wrestling‘s otherwise wildly successful Warriorversary II show, when visiting regional legend Big Bird Machine was assaulted following his match with Warrior Pro’s Rampage Hunter. Mr. Machine, who wrestles for STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling, an outlaw mudshow located in the South Central Tri-State Area, was delivering a post-match promo when he was attacked by a group of fellow STRUGGLE wrestlers known as The Evil Administration, who were not scheduled to appear. The group is notable for being led by President Evil, a former protege of TSWA legend Governor Justice as well as Big Bird Machine himself, and who was a former Tri-state World Heavyweight champion in STRUGGLE’s original incarnation that ended in 2011. He went on to have decent runs throughout the 2010s in various promotions such as Olive Japan and Neo-One, before repeatedly being fired for behavioral issues and returning to a relaunched STRUGGLE in 2017. Video footage has not been made available of the attack, but the following i a partial transcript:

Continue reading BREAKING NEWS: BIG BIRD MACHINE ATTACKED FOLLOWING WARRIORVERSARY II →

STRUGGLE SESSION #2!

NEXT SHOW!

STRUGGLE Pro SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #5 is happening soonish, maybe, and the final stop of the non-tour will be a big one, with two (2) new champions crowned, or maybe even three, who knows. Tentative card is as follows:

Yumiko Nakano vs. Junior Grim – Nakano makes her North American debut versus the normal-sized Grim Sister who wears actual wrestling gear and thus shames her family (not really, they love and respect her a great deal).

Team Twizzy vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – The rockin’ party dudes of the 1980s face their dark, twisted 2020s equivalent.

“The New and Improved” Donita Zapata vs. Pam From Human Resources – The unofficial Donita Humiliation Tour begins with the title tournament match that never happened.

El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine vs. Parking Lot Duval – The son of the Tri-State Area’s greatest legend takes on a man of legendary misfortune.

No Police Involvement Championship – The KoЯn Demon (champ) vs. Buff Orpington (falls count anywhere) – The resident hoss of the Fighting Cocks tag team seeks singles gold versus the one guy who didn’t disavow nu-metal by like 2005 or whenever.

YASS KWEENDOM 2020 FINAL Women’s Title match – Zelda Lucabrasi vs. PARTY TIGER – The first STRUGGLE Tri-State World Women’s Champion of the new era will be crowned, where the ultimate underdog takes on some sort of human-sized, inebriated cat.

SUPER C-CUP 2020 FINAL Cruiserweight Title Match – Uno Muerte vs. Rodimus Primo – The STRUGGLE Tri-State World Cruiserweight Championship will be decided between a man with a crippling fear of death and a dude apparently obsessed with a cartoon from before he was born.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP

NEWS AND NOTES FOR APRIL 19

First of all, Shelter in Place Tour #1 was a pretty emphatic success for us, which is a rare occurrence, and as far as we can tell, no one got any diseases they didn’t already have. I guess we’ll know for sure in like 12-14 days, though. As always, cards are subject to change, but here’s the tentative card for #2, which is going to happen… eventually… at some point. Yeah.

  • Super C-Cup 2020: Jackson Victory vs. Uno Muerte
  • Yass Kweendom 2020: Lorelei Grim vs. Virginia Slams
  • Super C-Cup 2020: Radical Jeremy vs. Tupac Machine
  • Yass Kweendom 2020: Pam From Human Resources vs. Donita Zapata
  • Yass Kweendom 2020: Agent Bulldog vs. Yumiko La Grange
  • FIRST TIME ON NORTH AMERICAN SOIL IN OVER TWENTY YEARS: Kazushi Maeda vs. Ugly, Stupid Bob
  • Decline of Western Civilzation: Toxic Walt vs. Screaming Rage Man (Million-Billion Light tubes Deathmatch)
  • Decline of Western Civilzation: Pitbull Van Scorpio vs. The Korn Demon (Million-Billion Light tubes Deathmatch)

As you can see, we’re really trying to plow through these title tournaments, especially after the deathmatch title one has literally been going on for like a year now. An announcement about a tag tournament is coming soon, but we still don’t have a physical world title belt in hand. Which is sad, but what can you do.

Also of note is that Kaz Maeda is finally making his STRUGGLE debut. The whole COVID-19 is kinda fucking with international travel, so the STRUGGLE/Hyper Pro Wrestling MOSES talent exchange isn’t really going as planned. Maeda and Toshiyo Nakano are safely here in the South Central Tri-State Area, but Sargent MOSES and Dai Chungus had some delays with translators and visas, and by the time they got their shit together, no flights were happening. So if they ever show up here, it probably won’t be any time this year. On our end, none of our people made it out of the country in time, so this ended up being a one-sided deal so far. Also, Stormy Knight is fucking pissed, because she gave up her spot in the women’s title tournament for this.

Meanwhile, Crawdad Hoshino… I don’t know what to say there. Maeda and Nakano made their own arrangements, as they both speak enough English to handle their own business here, but Crawdad seemed to insist that she knows more of the language than she actually does, and well… We do know that she’s somewhere in the continental United States, but that’s about it. We get occasional phone calls from her updating the situation, but we honestly have no fucking idea where she is. She’s doing some weird shit where she’s refusing to speak Japanese or listen to anyone who does, so the most that anyone’s been able to get out of her was the she is “very toaster.” no one knows what that means, but she sounded really happy about it, I guess.

The last show was light on injuries, but Hoda Duda-Day has some neck soreness after Bulldog dropped her on her head, and will probably sit out a show or two, but it’s no biggie.

Concerning pre-existing conditions, Skip Legday is almost 100% after Garfield Vanzetti smooshed his balls with a steel-toed boot. No word on the exact timetable for his return, but it probably won’t be too long. I would ask you to offer thoughts and prayers for Vanzetti, but fuck him.

Immortan Jimmy remains comatose and still shows no brain activity after nine years, so the cruiserweight title #1 contender is considered day-to-day.

As for Ricky Coke, who has been out for about a year after Crash Ferrari broke his neck, there have been no updates, honestly. But there is a recently-leaked video of him doing lines directly off the ass of a well-respected Bolivian Instagram influencer, (not linking to it, pervs) which seems to suggest that he’s just fine and will probably show back up whenever she figures out that his dad cut him and Ross off years ago, and that he’s flat broke. Hopefully this happens soon, because Ross’s cocaine psychosis has been completely out of control lately, and he could use the positive influence of his somewhat less cocaine-psychotic brother.

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: THE GANG SHELTERS in Place

THE SCENE: STRUGGLE Pro headquarters in the closed-down Blockbuster location next to the arena. Acting company president Nate Ruggle, looking like he hasn’t slept in days – because he hasn’t – sits at a desk covered in receipts and invoices, desperately trying to figure out a way to keep the company afloat during the COVID-19 health crisis. He has now reached the point of last resort: Calling his his mom and asking for money.

NATE: Look – No, mother, there is nothing left! Between replacing the wiring and – No, we couldn’t leave it alone! It was a fire hazard! But between that and the pipes, I’m wiped out!… No, we couldn’t just ignore the plumbing problems! The basement was full of sewage! It was a river of shit!… No, we couldn’t just close the door!… Yes, mother, yes I know that Stevie always found the money. He found it by laundering it for the mob! Hell, not even the mob, more like eight different mobs!… No, that’s not just a rumor, it’s why he’s in prison!… Christ, you had to pay half of them back yourself!… What!? No, it wasn’t a bank loan! A bank doesn’t ask you to repay a loan by going to a parking garage at night and handing a briefcase to a guy named “Vlad the Bull!”… His legal defense fund!? There’s nothing to defend!… No, it’s not that I have no faith in the legal system, it’s that he was guilty as hell, and exposed himself to a judge!… Mother! He’s not a “good boy!” He tried to bribe a 75 year old judge with sexual favors!… No, no, no, the liberals didn’t make it up, there were witnesses and a security camera!… No… No, we’re not doing this right now… NO! Goddammit, I am hanging up this phone!… Love you too, bye.

(Nate throws his phone down on the desk and lets out an exasperated sigh, then looks up to see STRUGGLE head booker/producer/building supervisor/etc. Uncle Abdul standing in the doorway, looking both concerned and highly entertained)

ABDUL: So, uhhh… Bad news, boss?

NATE: Yeah, you could say that. We’re fucked, Abdul. There’s no more money. We were this close to actually turning this thing around, but there’s no telling how long everything’s going to be shut down, and we simply don’t have the cash to keep the company running while we can’t run any shows. It’s over. At this point, it’s all a question of whether or not selling the ring and the title belts – which we never even used – can get us enough to pay the rent we still owe.

ABDUL: Okay, first of all, stop it. We’ve always figured this shit out before, and we’ll figure it out this time. Second of all, you might wanna walk back this “can’t run shows” talk.

NATE: What? Are you crazy!? We’re in a global pandemic! People are dying by the thousands! Have you even seen the news lately?

ABDUL: Well, yeah, but have you seen the news today?

NATE: Not following you.

ABDUL: Ah, shit… Just gimme a minute here…

(Abdul turns on the TV and spends like five minutes positioning the antenna so that something resembling a human can appear on screen for more than three seconds)

NEWS ANCHOR: …And in local newsszzzzgghbrbrbrbbrbr

ABDUL: Goddamn digital bullshit!

(He spends another minute or so moving the antenna to different parts of the room)

ANCHOR: …After Tri-State Area provisional governor “Fast Eddie” Gambino announced-bbbvvvrrxxxnnkkk

ABDUL: Motherfucker!

(more antenna wiggling)

ANCHOR: …ordered local strip clubs and casinos closeddddzzzbbrrbrbrbr… angry mob stormed the governor’s mansskzkzkzkz…

NATE: Wait, what!?

ANCHOR: …burned to the groundzzkzkzk… torn to piecessszzkkzkz… critical conditionnznznz…

(Abdul finally gives up and turns it off, while Nate sits silently, slack-jawed in shock)

NATE: So… What the hell is going on right now? Are we going to die?

ABDUL: No. Well, I mean, eventually, but… Never mind. Look, the government shut down the casinos and strip clubs. And I know you’re from the North End, where people have families and hopes and dreams and all that shit, but here in South Central, that’s all these people have! Gambling, titties, and wrestling, Nate. And now two out of three are gone, and society’s coming apart. Wrestling is the only thing that can save this godforsaken place from itself! We have no choice here. Besides, the old folks’ bingo has been cancelled for the near future, and they’re willing to cut us a deal on rent for the duration.

NATE: Well, okay, but what about the pandemic? What about social distancing?

ABDUL: Shit, have you seen the people that attend our shows? Half of ’em have so much alcohol in ’em that their blood is effectively a sterile solution, and the rest already have so many damn diseases that there’s no room for any more!

NATE: Okay, that sounds like a slight exaggeration, but even if people attend, the wrestlers… Abdul, I’m not going to force the talent into a dangerous situation.

ABDUL: Eh, it won’t come to that. I figure the roster’s an even split between stupid and crazy, and there’s only a couple in high-risk groups, so we should have enough volunteers. If we don’t, we’ll just see who wants to put on a hood and wrestle twice. Besides, back to the audience thing, do you really think any living thing – be it viral, bacterial, or otherwise – could survive in Ross Coke’s bloodstream? Or Reverend Freakout, or PARTY TIGER, or Lil’ Xeljanz, or you know, hell, I could sit here naming people for an hour.

NATE: Okay, fine. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, but I’ll start making calls to see who’s still willing to wrestle. But just… Man, I dunno, this seems…

ABDUL: Does it seem dangerous, unethical, immoral, and like it can’t possibly end well?

NATE: Yeah.

ABDUL: Seems like pro wrestling to me, boss.

NATE: My god.

Tales of the Visible Cellphone Camera: LUCHA FANTASTICO PRESS CONFERENCE TRANSCRIPT

THE SCENE: STRUGGLE President Nate Ruggle and wrestler Uno Muerte stand in front of STRUGGLE headquarters, aka the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn. Backstage Interviewer/Announcer/Executive Vice President/etc. Murray Stadankowicz is filming them with his cell phone, while head booker/building maintenance supervisor Uncle Abdul looks on.

NATE: Okay, are we ready to do this yet? (Murray gives him a thumbs up) Just make sure your finger isn’t in front of the camera this time. Okay, here we go. STRUGGLE Pro is proud to announce that, in cooperation with Lucha POWER and Warrior-

UNO: Ayo, dude, wait.

NATE: What?

UNO: His thumb’s in front of the camera.

MURRAY: Sorry!

NATE: Seriously!? That’s like the third time!

ABDUL: Welp, technically, he did keep his finger out, I guess.

NATE: Okay, one more try. Let’s see if we can get more than a sentence in this time.

NATE: STRUGGLE Pro is proud to announce that, in collaboration with Lucha POWER and Warrior Pro, our own Uno Muerte will be in action at LUCHA FANTASTICO, streaming live on Twitch on March 12. This is a great opportunity for Uno and all of us at STRUGGLE, as we here have worked hard over the last year to prove that this company can return to prominence in the national – or in this case, international – wrestling scene. Furthermore, we-

UNO: Wait, Holmes, did you say “international?”

NATE: Uhh, yeah, the show’s in Mexico.

UNO: WHAT!?

NATE: Um, I, uhhh… Is that a problem? I mean, aren’t you from there?

UNO: (nervously) Well, I mean, yeah, but… That’s a long way away, dude. You know… I’d… I’d probably have to fly to get there.

NATE: Well, yeah. We’re – (back toward the camera) Murray, stop recording this.

MURRAY: Don’t worry boss, I’m getting all of it! (grins and gives another big thumbs up)

NATE: (frowns at Murray, and almost says something, but realizes it’s hopeless and turns back towards Uno) We’re going to pay for it, so it’s no big deal.

UNO: No, but… But… (fidgeting nervously) What if it crashes, man?

NATE: The plane isn’t going to crash.

UNO: That’s what everyone says until their fuckin’ plane crashes, dude!

NATE: (sighs) Look, people fly all the time, thousands every day,

UNO: And I got one in 5.4 million odds!

NATE: Did… Did you know that off the top of your head?

UNO: It’s important information to have, dude! Every time someone flies without crashing, that brings it one closer to the 5.4! I’m gonna be on that five-point-four-millionth plane! I’m gonna be the one, Nate!

NATE: Look, just calm down, it’s not that big a-

UNO: No, you calm down!

NATE: What?

ABDUL: Welp, think he’s about to lose his shit, boss.

UNO: (shaking) Oh man, oh an, oh man, ay dios mio, I’m gonna fuckin’ die, man!

ABDUL: …and therrrre it goooooes.

NATE: (angrily) That’s not helping!

UNO: (hyperventilating) Ohmygodohmygod, I’m havin’ a panic attack, dude!

(Suddenly, amidst all the chaos, (which Murray is still recording) The Guy in the Bad Brains Shirt Who Sells dope Out of His Hatchback appears.)

THE GUY: Oh wow, hey dudes.

NATE: Uhh, hi? Look, this probably isn’t a good time.

THE GUY: Damn, your lil masked buddy is really freakin’ out over there, dude.

NATE: …Which is why this is a bad time for… Wait, what are you doing here anyway? Do you live here?

THE DUDE: (blows out a massive plume of smoke that he had apparently been holding in for a very long time) Naw, man, I just work here. Hey listen, you want me to take care of this?

NATE: (confused) I… Uhhh… How?

THE GUY: Check it out, man. Hey masked dude!

UNO: Ahh! What the hell! Who are you!?

THE GUY: Just a friend, man. Say, do you like… gummy bears?

UNO: (still shaking in full-body terror) I… I love them.

THE GUY: Come over to my hatchback, man. i got some special ones you oughtta try.

UNO: But-butbutbut it’s all the way across the parking lot! We could get hit by a car! Or attacked by a bear!

THE GUY: (puts his arm around Uno and starts to guide him away) Just come on, dude. (they exit the scene together)

ABDUL: Well, I’d say that went better than expected.

NATE: Jesus Christ. I dunno, I guess we’ll try this again once he calms down.

ABDUL: Hell, if what I heard about them gummies is true, it’ll be tomorrow at the earliest, boss.

NATE: (sighs) Maybe we’ll just put out a press release instead. (turns toward Murray, who is tapping away on his phone) Wait, Murray, what are you doing?

MURRAY: Just finishing this thing up, Nate. (grins again and gives yet another big thumbs up)

NATE: Wait, what!? no, no, no, do not send that video to anyone! Delete it before anyone sees it!

MURRAY: (slowly looking up from the phone with a worried look on his face) Uhh… Now, Nate… don’t be mad at me…

NATE: Oh my god.

BREAKING NEWS: Brain God, Entire Think Tank leave STRUGGLE Pro

(STANDARD DISCLAIMER: copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, we’ll start kicking the fatass with the bowl cut out of our shows, because we know he’s the guy that sends them the house show reports, the little pervert – Abdul)

Brain God, the Calculation Master, manager, spokesman, and supreme leader of the stable known collectively as The Think Tank (currently consisting of Brain God, Think Tank X, Think Tank Y, Cyberta, and Humungulus) has announced the group is leaving doomed South Central Tri-State Area based outlaw promotion STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling, effective immediately. No specific reason was given to the public for the sudden exit, except for a bunch of jibber-jabbering about how “my genius cannot be contained in so small a vessel,” or some such, but our reporter was rolling his eyes too hard to actually bother writing down the entire statement.

This move was met with shock by many in the local mudshow wrestling community, as Brain God and the original Think Tanks tag team were famously some of the only big names to stay onboard all the way to the bitter end during the horrifying collapse of the original version of STRUGGLE Pro in 2011. However, many have pointed out alleged tensions backstage over Brain God and the Tanks not being offered a full-time contract, (apparently, the company has only locked down a very small, select handful of wrestlers, including former world champions President Evil, Big Bird Machine, and Yumiko La Grange, as well as currently-injured young star Skip Legday) and the Think Tanks tag team recently taking several outside bookings was seen by some as a threat to the STRUGGLE office.  We reached several officials and wrestlers inside STRUGGLE for comment on the matter:

STRUGGLE Acting President Nate Ruggle: “Uhh well, The Think Tank were a valued members of the STRUGGLE family for many years, and we wish them well in their future endeavors. I guess.”

STRUGGLE Head Booker/Producer Uncle Abdul: “That little bobble-headed son of a bitch, I always knew he was a fuckin’ snake. I mean, uhh, we wish him well, future endeavors, blah blah, ah whatever. Fuck him.”

President Evil: “What? Haha, oh man, I hope it’s because of something I said. Even if it isn’t, I’m just gonna pretend it is. Just sad I couldn’t give the little prick a wedgie on his way out.”

Rabbi Spike (half of the Bad Religion tag team): “Oy vey, that little rat bastard and his fakakta Think Tanks. If you ask me for my opinion, I think he was worried that one day, they’d come up against us, and then his meshuganneh team would be leaving on a stretcher instead of a press release.”

PARTY TIGER: “Heyyyy man, it’s like, it’s like… (hiccups) Y’know, s’like… Thinks Tanks, man, they’re like… (hiccups) You know? You know, ’cause like, like… You know, like, you understand me, and like, (hiccups) I just loooove you soooo much, maaaan! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Her statement continued after this, but had mostly devolved into hiccup-punctuated crying and gibberish)

Froggy Terry: “Think Tanks? Man, Froggy Terry ain’t care. Because Froggy Terry’s gotta do he does best, and that’s to do what’s best for Froggy  Terry, you know what Froggy Terry is sayin’? Froggy Terry.”

Walter Grabowski (half the the 46 Defenders tag team) – “Ya know dere, it really doesn’t matter if Da Tink Tanks are here or not, because just as da Dallas Cowboys were dahminated dis most recent Tursday by da Mahnsters of Da Midway, or as dey are better known, da Chicahgo Bearss, da tag team division will cahnitnue ta be dahminated by da 46 Defenders, my friend.

When reached for comment on future plans for himself and his organization, Brain God the Calculation Master was quoted as saying, “Plans? Oh, mark my words, I have plans. Plans you could not even begin to understand with your feeble little brain!” He then attempted to laugh maniacally, but apparently sucked some spit down the wrong pipe and coughed uncontrollably until he finally hung up.

OFFICIAL THINK TANKS SHIRTS STILL AVAILABLE WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

BREAKING NEWS: Skip Legday Injured at House Show

(copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, we’ll stop letting Jeremy leak news scoops to them, and maybe rat them out for all those illegal View Japan pay-per-view streams that Gummo hooked them up with – Abdul)

Skip Legday

SOUTH CENTRAL TRI-STATE AREA – Popular newcomer and previously undefeated STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling powerhouse Skip Legday suffered a gruesome injury at last night’s house show in a routine match against Garfield Vanzetti. The injury occurred at the 11:12 mark, when Vanzetti (who normally competes on a part-time basis for local backyard fed Grim Holler Wrasslin’) when Vanzetti executed what he refers to as a “special tactical maneuver,” but to ringside observers, was simply a full-speed kick to the crotch. Skip crumpled in a heap and was counted out, while Vanzetti hightailed it back to the ring, grabbing a steel chair in the process in what appeared to a state of be pants-shitting terror. In a scary moment, Skip did not move for several minutes after the match, and was eventually stretchered out.

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