(copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, we’ll stop letting Jeremy leak news scoops to them, and maybe rat them out for all those illegal View Japan pay-per-view streams that Gummo hooked them up with – Abdul)
SOUTH CENTRAL TRI-STATE AREA – Popular newcomer and previously undefeated STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling powerhouse Skip Legday suffered a gruesome injury at last night’s house show in a routine match against Garfield Vanzetti. The injury occurred at the 11:12 mark, when Vanzetti (who normally competes on a part-time basis for local backyard fed Grim Holler Wrasslin’) when Vanzetti executed what he refers to as a “special tactical maneuver,” but to ringside observers, was simply a full-speed kick to the crotch. Skip crumpled in a heap and was counted out, while Vanzetti hightailed it back to the ring, grabbing a steel chair in the process in what appeared to a state of be pants-shitting terror. In a scary moment, Skip did not move for several minutes after the match, and was eventually stretchered out.
WARNING: Disturbing footage
STRUGGLE Pro V.P. of Talent Relations (and active wrestler) Pamela “Pam From Human Resources” Tatupu Fitzgerald was in Skip’s corner for the match, and describes the scene as follows:
Well, I was there at ringside, because Garfield had brought that wife of his, and well don’t ya know, she has a tendency to involve herself in his matches. Anywho, everything was normal for a while, and then, my gosh, he just punted Skip right in the unmentionables. Skip went down, and Garfield, well, he grabbed a chair and just got the heck out of there. I knew Skip had to be hurt bad, because he just didn’t move for a while, and I leaned in real close and went “Skip, hon, ya okay there?” And he said – and well ya know I’m not gonna use the language he used, but I understand why he’d use it in that situation – but his voice was all squeaky-like, and he goes “effin’ steel toes,” except he actually said the word, ya know? Anywho, if ya ask me, that Garfield has a lot to answer for right now.
When reached for comment, Garfield Vanzetti made the following statement:
The enemies of America surround us, and like our great President, I stand alone as a bulwark against those who would strip patriotic Americans of our freedoms. If the liberal media takes exceptions with my methods, then I’ve clearly done something right. God, guns, family, the flag! THIS I’LL DEFEND!
His wife and STRUGGLE Pro wrestler Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti added the following:
Oh my god, who cares? So he had a testicle crushed? Whatever. I backed my Range Rover into the mailbox this morning, but do you hear me complain? Also, Pam is fat.
There has been wide internet speculation that the interpromotional nature of the match could strain the relationship with Grim Holler Wrasslin’, especially in the wake of STRUGGLE’s recent alliance with local blood-n-guts fed Extreme Wrestling XTREME, and impending talent exchanges with Japanese promotion Hyper Pro Wrestling MOSES and the local prison. GHW founder and STRUGGLE Pro legend Hillbilly Grim responded as follows:
Aw hell, neighbor. The foundin’ principle of GHW is that we all – each and every one of us, man, woman, or beast – wanna kick that man’s ass. If anything, the relationship is stronger, know what I mean?
STRUGGLE President “simple Nate” Ruggle wasn’t able to be reached for comment, but producer and head booker “Uncle Abdul” Haddad had this response:
Seriously, though, you ever met that man? If I ever hear another “you people” outta the cocksucker, I’m gonna go upside his head with a goddamn Stillson wrench. Everyone in Grim Holler hates that fragile little fuck, and now it’s just extended to STRUGGLE Pro now. But yeah, if there’s a problem, it’s with Vanzetti, not with GHW. The motherfucker. Uhh, sorry about my language, you’re gonna clean that up before you publish this, right?
On the opposite end of the spectrum, STRUGGLE Pro’s unofficial living mascot, Captain STRUGGLE has vowed to avenge Skip and defend the sanctity of STRUGGLE Pro. He made the following statement to a translator, after an awkward minute or so where he had to explain that he actually can speak a little English:
Mister Vanzetti, he is man with no respect and no honor. There no honor among theives in first place! He put much difficulty on Skip-san. Difficulty like when textile workers could not buy food or pay wages! Difficulties, like when man work for thirty years, and is told that algorithm took his job! That is great difficulty! He put great difficulties upon greatest promotion STRUGGLE Pro by taking out Skip. I realize I not look like typical American athlete, I cruiswerweight, very small, and he heavyweight, very large. But there two bad people, and one was Toshiro Mifune, and he dead now, brother, and other is RIGHT HERE! I reach out to greatest STRUGGLE fans! My hand touches yours! I shall avenge Mister Skip-san and destroy Mister Vanzetti testicles on this Great Difficulties Blues, Captain STRUGGLE world Tour, 2019! Banzai!
The irony of the event is that it was during a house show where STRUGGLE had made a concerted effort to reign in the violence and general lawlessness of the promotion, actually enforcing rules against weapon use, and instituting a ring-out count. This resulted in a show with several ring-out endings, with GHW regulars Junior and Lorelei Grim losing their respective matches to Hoda Duda-Day and Yumiko La Grange, and a match between Trondheim Troy and Uno Muerte ending in a draw. According to Uncle Abdul it was “the worst goddamn show we ever did, just goddamn Countout-o-Mania, and we’re never trying that shit again. At least Peppy lost, though.”
Skip Legday’s current condition is listed as “stable, but in incredible pain” and surgery is scheduled for this afternoon. A timetable has not been set for his return.