This was a thing we used to do back when we still had TV, where we’d hype up the next show by getting the talent to stand in front of a big STRUGGLE logo backdrop thing (or a brick wall with an inexplicably-placed chain link fence in front of it, or just going to their home unannounced) and talk shit about each other. It did good business and looked good on TV, so when someone found the backdrop out back, (and cleaned the bird shit off of it) we decided to make a new edition of the the STRUGGLE Session for the upcoming SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #4 show. Of course, as always, the camera that got used was the one that Buddy From the Ring Crew had put a big Post-It note on saying “BROKEN – DO NOT USE,” and since everyone here is an idiot, the footage ended up being a bunch of purple blobs. So as always, there’s nothing but a transcript we managed to put together. Anyway, I know the average wrestling fan can’t read, but maybe someone will get something out of what we salvaged – Abdul
KAZUSHI MAEDA VS. UGLY, STUPID BOB (rematch)
UGLY, STUPID BOB: Let me tell you somethin’ right now, if that Maeda boy thinks he’s gonna get off easy like he did last time, he’s got another thing comin’! I got ‘im scouted, you see? When he was doin’ all that nonsense and carryin’ on, droppin’ me on my head and kickin’ me in the neck, I was figurin’ ‘im out! And you dumbass people out there! All actin’ like he’s some kinda legend! Bullshit! I should be the goddamn champion o’ Japan! Just champion of the the whole damn country! Emperor Champion o’ the whole goddamn thing! I’mma slap the sushi outta that sonovabitch! And if that boy thinks different, I got somethin’ for ‘im alright, I got THE DAMN PILEDRIVER! NUMBERRR OOOONE!
KAZUSHI MAEDA: (glares menacingly into the camera for like a full three minutes, and it is the most terrifying thing ever, like some serious “gazing into the abyss” shit and you can tell that the camera guy is literally shaking by the time he sort of grunts and walks off)
ZELDA LUCABRASI VS. LORELEI GRIM
ZELDA LUCABRASI: I just wanna say, a lotta people they-a say I no canna winna da match. But I’mma gonna-
(Older brother MARIOLUIGI LUCABRASI just sort of steps in front of her)
MARIOLUIGI LUCABRASI: Letta me tella you people one thing. Mia sorrelina, she’s-a gonna beat that Lorelei, and she’s-a gonna go alla the way to the top! She gonna be the world’s champion!
ZELDA: Uhh… Yeah, that’s-a right, and I’mma gonna show alla da people that-
MARIOLUIGI: And then, you know what’s-a gonna happen?
(Zelda gets visibly pissed off)
MARIOLUIGI: I gonna tell you! You know who the next heavyweight champ gonna be? That’s-a right, IT’S-A ME, MARIOLUIGI! You see, cause I gotta the speed and-a the skill, and I’mma gonna take on everybody! And you gonna-
(Zelda huffs and walks off. Marioluigi pauses and glances in her general direction, then sort of shrugs and continues)
MARIOLUIGI: You gonna know I’mma number one! You think-a you gonna beat me!? That’s-a no good, boss!
(LORELEI GRIM stands flanked by her younger and significantly smaller sisters, JEZEBEL and JUNIOR. JEZEBEL is sipping an alcoholic beverage, as always)
LORELEI GRIM: Howdy there, y’all. I got a tournament match comin’ up against Zelda, and I just want y’all to know that she’s a great wrestler, I mean, she’s just quicker’n a waterbug, and I’m gonna… I’m gonna have… Well, I’m…
(LORELEI trails off, sighs, and gets a really pained look on her face, which confuses her sisters)
LORELEI: Y’all, I’m sorry. I really I am. That lil’ girl – bless her little heart – she’s about as big as one o’ my legs. Im gonna end up breakin’ her in half, and it’s gonna be bad.
(JUNIOR cringes, while JEZEBEL does a spit take, then clearly mouths out the words “Jesus Christ” while trying not to laugh)
LORELEI: So, you know… Zelda, I just hope there’s no hard feelings, it’s just… Y’know… I’m literally three times your size. I’m not gonna go out of my way to hurt you, but… Well… Yeah.
JUNIOR: An interesting point here has been raised, and while it sounded like mere exaggeration, Lorelei actually is three times the size of Zelda. You can look at it in one of three ways: Weight, volume, or mass.
(she steps out of frame for a second, then returns, wheeling in a dry erase board)
Now, if we look at it in terms of volume, this simple formula will-
(JEZEBEL kind of leans forward, while JUNIOR continues talking)
JEZEBEL: This is gonna be a while, y’all. You can turn the camera off if you want, and in the meantime, just smile and nod.
(JUNIOR shares an anecdote about Archimedes and fluid dynamics, while LORELEI and JEZEBEL shoot a knowing glance to the camera, smiling and nodding the whole time)
YUMIKO LA GRANGE VS. PARTY TIGER
(YUMIKO is in what appears to be a suburban garage, just kicking the living hell out of a heavy bag suspended from the ceiling, seemingly ignoring the camera guy)
CAMERA GUY: Um… Yumiko?
(she continues kicking the bag and ignoring him)
CAMERA GUY: Hello?
(she stops kicking the thing)
YUMIKO: WHAT!? Why are you here!?
CAMERA GUY: We gotta… Uhh, you’re supposed to this promo… Thing.
YUMIKO: Ugh, fine. Lorelei, Zelda… Listen. I do not care which of you faces me. Either way, you are pretty much fucked. If you want my advice, you should both try to save yourselves and fake an injury. Just walk away, stupids. (Resumes kicking the heavy bag)
CAMERA GUY: Uhh… Yumiko?
YUMIKO: (not stopping, still kicking the living hell out of the heavy bag) You are still here. Why?
CAMERA GUY: I mean, uhhh. This isn’t the final yet. You, uhh, you still have to wrestle PARTY TIGER first.
( YUMIKO lets out a barrage of kicks, just savagely laying into the bag, which is swaying back and forth wildly, before finally hitting it with a brutal knee strike that causes one of the chains to break loose. She stands there, staring at the heavy bag that is now dangling at an awkward angle, smirking while admiring her own handiwork)
YUMIKO: Heh… I know.
(out behind the arena, the camera just sort of panning back and forth)
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA, PROBABLY A SOUND GUY OR SOMETHING: I dunno, dude, she said this is where she’d be.
PARTY TIGER: HEY!
(the camera shakes wildly, as though the camera dude almost dropped it, followed by swinging around to where TIGER is standing)
TIGER: Heyyy, you guys. I got like – (hiccup) I got this match against Yumiko, and like, ya know, like – (hiccup) – She thinks, you know, like, that’s she’s so great or some shit, and like… Ah, dammit, sorry, you guys, I gotta, like – (hiccup) – gimme a second here.
(The camera follows TIGER as she stumbles out by the dumpster)
TIGER: Hey, you guys, like … You guys just like make sure nobody’s comin’.
CAMERA GUY: Um, Miss Tiger, what do you- HOLY SHIT
(PARTY TIGER suddenly just drops her pants around her ankles, like no stealth or guile to it, I mean fully puts it all out there for anyone to see, then starts to squat down as the camera rapidly pans away. Suddenly a furious UNCLE ABDUL runs into frame, holding a broom over his head like a damn battle axe)
TIGER: Cheese it, the cops!
ABDUL: Goddammit, I knew it was you!
(TIGER leaps up, still exposed and kinda peeing a little, and falls flat on her face before pulling her pants up and sprinting into the distance, ABDUL giving chase)
ABDUL: You come back here, and clean that shit up, ya fuckin’ lush! I swear to fuckin’ God!
(everything goes black as the camera guy decides this would be a bad thing to record)
GARFIELD VANZETTI vs. CAPTAIN STRUGGLE
(GARFIELD VANZETTI stands at attention, with weird blue-skinned lackey BUFORD RANDALL and theoretical spouse PATIENCE HALLIBURTON-VANZETTI standing just behind him. PATIENCE looks bored and is just flipping through shit on her phone)
GARFIELD VANZETTI: Ladies and gentleman, I once took an oath. An oath to protect the people of this nation from all threats, foreign and domestic. I proved this when I rid this wrestling promotion of the dangerous Communist known as Skip Legday.
BUFORD RANDALL: Thank you for your service, sir.
VANZETTI: …And now, I face a more sinister foe, a foreign terrorist to threatens our way of life, invading our shores with his mysterious Eastern Culture. There can be no doubt about it, Captain STRUGGLE is a menace who must be destroyed, and as a true American Patriot, I will protect this land and its people from this evildoer. Because that is what patriots do! Guns! God! Country! Guns! Family! Freedom! Guns! THIS I’LL DEFEND!
CAPTAIN STRUGGLE: [conspicuously wearing a Skip Legday t-shirt (on sale now!) and pacing back and forth while staring at his fists] Mistah Vanzetti… As you travel to SHELTER IN PLACE #4… By conventional means… Weird blue guy and unfaithful breast implant lady you travel with… experience technical difficulty… What you do, Mistah Vanzetti?… Do you comfort them? Do you call AAA?… Or do you climb to front seat… Remove Uber driver who is clearly intoxicated… Grab hold of steering wheel.. Take left turn at railroad track… Go down Main until right turn just past Arby’s franchise… And drive car INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC, MISTAH VANZETTI!? Push yourself… To a place very close to where old Block-a-bustah use to be… To face challenge… of TOTAL STRUUUUGGGGGLLLLLLLE-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH (snorts)
PRESIDENT EVIL vs. ACE LA GRANGE
ACE LA GRANGE: You know something, brother, this cat President Evil, he’s been a thorn in my side for a long time. Ever since the night when that man turned on my and my main dude Big Bird Machine, it’s like I can’t get rid of him! We’ve had a lot of battles over the years, brother, and even when I’ve beaten him – and I did beat you, Evil, and I’m sure you ain’t forgot that – he still comes right back for more. It was like this was inevitable, like we’ve been doing this for years, and like we’ll be doing it forever, brother.
But you know something, brother? This feels like something bigger than that. Like it’s bigger than any wrestling rivalry. It’s put up or shut up time for me, you know what I’m saying, brother? Because, you know something, brother, I’ve had a lot of problems over the last few years. I drank a lot of booze and took a lot of pills, brother. I did a lot of coke, I experimented with anabolic steroids, I smoked crack, I inhaled gasoline, and I did speedballs. I cheated on my wife, didn’t pay my income taxes, and drove a stolen fire truck through a mall. There was methamphetamine and muscle relaxers and pain pills and horse tranquilizers, and there was that month-long krokodil binge. I was banned from every library in the country, I drank toilet cleaner to see if it would get me high, and I was called a “nasty motherfucker” by a prominent leader of the local Amish community. But I’m good now, brother.
And brother, when I fight President Evil at SHELTER IN PLACE #4? I’m gonna prove it. Because, brother, he may be a no good son of a bitch, but he’s pretty much the top dog around here, brother. And when I beat him, brother, I’m gonna be right where I belong! Right back on top! Just like the old days! And brother, all those people, when they see that referee raise my hand, they’re gonna look at me, and they’re gonna think, “Damn. That’s Ace fucking La Grange, and he really is good now, brother!”
(PRESIDENT EVIL stands flanked by the rest of the EVIL ADMINISTRATION: AGENTS FANG, BULLDOG, AND 35)
PRESIDENT EVIL: MY FELLOW AMERICANS! (Long pause) The fuck is wrong with you people? Look at you! Here we are, with the doom of our time crashing down on top of us, economies collapsing, mass graves in major cities, constant commercials with fuckin’ brands lying about how they’re here for us, and what are you doing? You’re risking your lives and the lives of your families – your idiot children and your wives who pop handfuls of muscle relaxers to try and forget how much they hate you – to watch professional wrestling! What the hell, was your local rub-and-tug closed? And not just wrestling, but this bullshit! (pulls out piece of paper, apparently with the match card printed on it) Let’s see, what do we have here… Oh boy, the women’s title tournament! You get to watch gamma-irradiated Dolly Parton dismember a spaghetti-bending airhead, and oh hey, Yumiko vs. Tiger! A violent sociopath and a death-spiraling drunk! Smash them together and they form a perfect Megazord of all your dads. Ha, and Vanzetti vs. the Captain should be good – a Just For Men-slathered, post-911 Fauntleroy fighting The Amazing Technicolor Dipshit for the honor of another man’s balls! Faaaantastic! And ohhh boy, Maeda versus Bob! That’ll surely be a compelling back-and-forth mat classic! Hey kids, you wanna see a dead body?
AGENT 35: Man, that one could be kinda cool, actually.
EVIL: Well… Actually, yeah… Huh… But anyway, you’ve had to keep watching these bullshit shows full of failures wrestling like assholes! I mean you got to see two matches with Bulldog in them, but she lost one, because it wasn’t worth making extra effort for you cashew-dicked perverts. You broke her spirit!
AGENT BULLDOG: That is exactly what happened, sir.
EVIL: See? But fear not, worms! Because the ol’ Prez is back in action, against… (looks at sheet, front and back) Huh… It’s not on here. Who am I I wrestling again?
UNSEEN RUNG CREW GUY: Ace La Grange.
(long, awkward pause)
EVIL, BULLDOG, FANG. and 35: AAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (they keep just uproariously laughing for almost a full minute)
EVIL: Hahaha, ohhh… Oh man. You guys – ha ha – you guys had me there. I was over here, getting all fired up, because I thought I was actually going to have to fight somebody. This woulda been a 30 second promo if I knew I had a night off. I mean, shit… This is the part where I’d normally tell you all the terrible things I was going to do to my opponent, but what’s left for me do to that fat motherfucker and his Crypt Keeper ass haircut? Life beat me to it!
(EVIL starts pacing back and forth and speaking with a little more urgency, like something is really starting to bother him)
EVIL: You really think you have a chance? Face it, Ace, you’re washed up! Done! You’re a loser, and you’ll always be a fucking loser! YOU GOT NO FUCKING BUSINESS IN THE RING WITH ME AND YOU NEVER FUCKING DID!
(At this outburst, the Evil Agents behind him all start to look at each other with concern, like this suddenly isn’t fun anymore)
EVIL: And let’s just say, for shits and giggles, that you actually won. Let’s fantasize that you did pull a horseshoe outta your ass and pin my shoulders to the mat. Then what happens? After all the high-fives and “I’m good now, brother”s, then what? You’re gonna have to leave the arena and get back to reality. And the reality is that it’s all still fucking gone, Ace. You’re never going to be what you used to be, you’re never going to look like you used to look, you’re never going to be world’s champion again, and buddy, she’s never taking you back. You’re gonna get in your shitty old car and go to your shitty little trailer and lay down – alone – on your piss-stained, Salvation Army-ass mattress, and you’re gonna remember what things were like. Remember how all those people used to cheer for you? My God, you had ’em eating out of the palm of your hand! You were their guy, Ace! THEY CHOSE YOU, GODDAMMIT!
(All three Agents take a step back, Fang visibly flinches)
EVIL: And you’re gonna see that this is where it got you; that every thing you touch dies. Your career, your body, your marriage, your life as you knew it – poof, gone. And all you’re gonna be is one day closer. One day closer to a bottle being back in your hand, one day closer to a straw being back up your nose, and one day closer to all of us finally being fucking rid of you! As for me? Well, I’ll get in my big, expensive car and drive to my big, expensive house. And I’m gonna kiss my children goodnight and make love to my beautiful wife. And while I’m laying there, on my big, expensive bed, I’m gonna look out my window and think to myself, “you know what? I won.” I fucking won, and YOU LOST! I WIN, YOU LOSE! THAT’S JUST HOW IT FUCKING IS, ACE! I ALWAYS WIN AND YOU WILL ALWAYS LOSE! (EVIL stares into the camera, seething, while his Agents all look absolutely terrified of what they’re watching) Evil. Always. Wins… EVIL! ALWAYS! FUCKING! WINS!
(EVIL grabs the backdrop and throws it across the hallway that’s being used as a TV studio, narrowly missing AGENT 35 in the process, then walks off. More furniture and assorted items can be heard crashing in the distance, and the Agents are all kind of freaked out)
AGENT 35: What the hell was that!? The boss just went nuts all of a sudden!
AGENT FANG: Yeah, he’s, uhh… He’s still kinda pent up about some stuff from the old days…
AGENT 35: No shit!
BULLDOG: Do you think we should follow him?
FANG: No, just let him be for a minute, give him a chance to cool down. Jesus, this could be bad…
(BULLDOG notices that the camera is still rolling)
BULLDOG: SIR! Gonna have to ask you to turn that camera off immediately.
CAMERA GUY: But they told me to record-
BULLDOG: Sir! Camera off! NOW!
(screen goes black)
DONITA ZAPATA VS. THE PHANTOM ROCKER: HAIR METAL VS. MASK
DONITA ZAPATA: You know, Lita… This is a big country. And there are a lot of wrestling promotions here, from coast to coast, and you could’ve gone to any of them. Hell, you could’ve just gotten a normal job or something. But no, somehow, you ended up here, where I happened to already be. Kinda gives me the strangest feeling that you wanted this. Well, Lita? Here we are now. You got my attention, and that was your first mistake. Do you really think this is going to end well for you? Lita, you sold us out! You turned against everything our family ever stood for, and with that in mind, do you really think I’m gonna go out there and just wrestle you? Do you think it’s gonna be all drop toeholds and side headlocks and a sportsmanlike handshake at the end? Lita… Honey… I am going… to FUCK. YOU. UP. And there’s not going to be any lights out, attacking from behind shit this time. It’s you and me, face to face, and there’s only one way that’s ever gonna end. And that’s the same way it ended the first time. And then, I’m gonna peel that stupid mask off your face, and toss all that glitter-and-spandex bullshit in the dumpster, and you’re gonna put on a flannel shirt and a pair of long johns and you’re gonna fucking like it. You’re coming home, Lita, whether you want to or not. You can come as you are, but you’re gonna leave how I want you to be.
THE PHANTOM ROCKER: Donita. Duude. You act like I’ve done some great wrong to you, when you’re the one who started this! You dropped me on my head, and then you attacked me after the bell, and you thought there’d be no consequences? And somehow you’re the one who obviously ended up with some kinda brain damage, because you’ve got this crazy idea in your paranoid-ass head that I’m your long lost sister or something. Well, I’m not, and you’re just some crazy lunatic, and YOU AND DAD HAD NO FUCKING RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU DID, ANYWAY! I mean… Uhh… Just… Shit. You listen to me. What comes around goes around, and I’ll tell you why: One way or another, you started this, and I’m gonna finish it. I’m gonna take all those goddamn thrift store clothes you wear and burn them, but don’t stand too close to the fire, because you’re gonna have a awful lot of Aqua Net Pink in your hair, Donita. It’s gonna be a long, cold winter for you. You think you can just push people around and tell them how to live, but I’m not gonna take it. No, I’m not gonna take it anymore! Because I’m right, I’m free, and I’ll fight, Donita! …You’ll see.