The SHELTER IN PLACE 2020 Tour ended on a pretty high note, aside from all the goddamn technical glitches. As it stands right now, Twitch streams don’t embed anymore and the show ended up having to get split into a bunch of different videos. Good times, sooo, watch here, and then read the damn report:

PART ONE, PART TWO, PART THREE, PART FOUR

DARK MATCH: Harbinger Calamity defeated Business Clown in 18:56 with a Tiger Suplex ’85

Nerd Rating: 81% ⭐⭐⭐

I guess sometimes you can’t judge a book by its cover, but the skinny little twerp from the skinny twerp tag team took down the violent clown that’s been one of the most impressive trainees so far. So many chairs got used here. And now, I gotta spend my day trying to bend ’em back into shape, because we can’t afford to buy more.

MATCH #1: Toshiyo Nakano defeated Junor Grim in 15:40 with a reverse cross kneebreaker

Nerd Rating: 87% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐

An impressive North American debut for someone who’s kind of just been “Yumiko La Grange’s cousin” for the last ten years or so back home. Junior looked good here too, but in the end, the young submission master got tapped out by a more experienced wrestler. Toshiyo hasn’t exactly been known for her sterling won-lost record, but if this match was any indicator, this trip to the Tri-State Area might have been the fresh start she needed.

THE RETURN OF IMMORTAN JIMMY: So for those of you not in the know, Jimmy was one of the great maniacs in the history of STRUGGLE Pro before we went out of business in 2011. But then, being a maniac, he did some weird shit, jumping out of the rafters onto his goddamn head, and he’s been in a coma ever since. They all said he was brain dead, but hell, he was brain dead before we even hired him, so we all knew it was only a matter of time before he showed back up. Sooo, apparently, when word made it to the hospital that we were about to have a cruiserweight title match, he shot up out of bed, stole a doctor’s pants, stole a goddamn ambulance, then crashed it into the building. Then, he used his powers as #1 contender (he never lost the belt, you know) to turn the Super C-Cup 2020 final into a three-way. Another normal night here at STRUGGLE Pro. No word on whether or not Jimmy will suffer legal consequences for any of this, as he might literally be considered legally dead, and thus immune to prosecution.

MATCH #2: Team Twizzy defeated the Rockin’ Rocksmen in 28:10 when Cobra Nightraven hit Rockin’ Roland with the Cobra H.I.S.S.

Nerd Rating: 71% ⭐⭐

The nerds rated this kinda low, but I think they hate tag team wrestling, so what can you do. Team Twizzy did what they do and the Rocksmen did they do, which is to say that the goth kids did their normal mixture of violence and high flying, and the old men really made you hope they’d win, but didn’t. Rocky and Roland have proven that they can still hang with the younger teams, but I’m not gonna lie, sometimes, they don’t seem to be able do much more than just hang with them. They’re gonna have to step it up big time to have a chance in any future tag title tournament, and considering they’re both right around sixty, they might not be able to.

MATCH #3: Pam From Human Resources defeated Donita Zapata in 13:09 with the Pink Slip

Nerd Rating: 84% ⭐⭐⭐

Wow. Donita came out in her first match after losing the Mask vs. Hair Metal match versus The Phantom Rocker, and now she looks like some sort of hot pink 1987 nightmare. She came out hot, probably because of how pissed she is at her general state of affairs, but seemed to lose steam after a while, probably because of how depressed she is at her current state of affairs. Pam remains an underrated powerhouse, and a delightful human being. For her part, The Phantom Rocker almost pissed herself laughing backstage.

MATCH #4: El hijo Del Big Bird Machine defeated Parking Lot Duval in 15:49 with the Spinning Bird Bomb

Nerd Rating: 84% ⭐⭐⭐

Little Bird has been one of those up-and-coming young guys who seems like he’s going to be something big someday, and Duval was one of those guys a few years ago, before his wife left him and his house burned down. The kid looked impressive here, and seems to finally be taking that next step up, and hopefully Duval isn’t on his way down, because there’s not much further for him to fall.

MATCH #5: The Korn Demon defeated Buff Orpington in 58:32 with a lift choke slam in a Falls Count Anywhere Match to retain the STRUGGLE No Police Involvement Championship

Nerd Rating: 93% ⭐⭐⭐⭐

It seemed like an upset when a theoretical random tag team guy got a title shot, but damned if he didn’t prove he belonged in this one. This was a never-ending bloodbah, partially because Buff and the Demon are both men who are tougher than nails and are large enough to survive heavy blood loss, and partially because old Gus was usually moving too slowly to start the pin count in a timely manner. I don’t care if Gus is our designated hardcore match guy, next time we use this gimmick, Referoth or Brown Shoes are getting the call. I wouldn’t say the Demon won this, so much as he survived it more effectively than the other guy.

MATCH #5 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020 FINAL: PARTY TIGER defeated Zelda Lucabrasi in 31:49 with the Captain Morgan Latch to become the NEW STRUGGLE Tri-State World women’s Champion

Nerd Rating: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐

No one knows how she does it. Tiger was fucked up even by Tiger standards before this match, like I think she was on some sort of makeshift speedball of tequila and dollar store energy drinks, but when the bell rang, she turned into a goddamn tornado, just flying all over the place, and only falling down a couple of times. For her part, Zelda proved beyond all doubt that she’s a top competitor in the women’s division, and the underdog role may not have been suitable for her after all. In the end though, Tiger won the title, after amatch that wasnkinda like two young ladies sprinting through a marathon, except with violence. Now, we gotta keep tabs on Tiger to make sure she doesn’t pass out and get the damn belt stolen.

MATCH #6 – SUPER C-CUP 2020 FINAL: Rodimus Primo defeated Immortan Jimmy and Uno Muerte in 23:27 to become the NEW STRUGGLE Tri-State World Cruiserweight Champion

Nerd Rating: 83% ⭐⭐⭐

This was a rough match for eliminations, as both Uno and Jimmy ate a CRITICAL! for their troubles. Uno got the wind knocked out of him and took a three count after Jimmy hit his signature double-lotation moonsault, (as God is my witness, he made two lotations) and Jimmy himself got knocked out by a nasty corkscrew moonsault from Primo. Neither man is expected to miss much or any time, as Uno just kind of got his bell rung, and Jimmy is a fuckin’ idiot who doesn’t believe in the existence of injury. For his part, Primo came in as kind of the third wheel between the returning legend and the alleged top young guy, and just kind of said “screw both of y’all” and took the belt. I knew that kid had potential.

NEXT TIME: I dunno, it might be a while. <breaking kayfabe>(because I have to rebuild several dozen MoveLists after the MoveCraft update)</breaking kayfabe>