THE SCENE: STRUGGLE Pro headquarters, the details of which you probably read about in the last blog post. Resident arch-villain PRESIDENT EVIL has been called into company president NATE RUGGLE’S office, to answer for his recent attack on BIG BIRD MACHINE, following a guest appearance at Warrior Pro’s Warriorversary II.
NATE RUGGLE: Seriously, what is wrong with you!? I have cut you as much slack as I possibly could, Evil, but this is too far! The cheating, the fights backstage, what you did to Ace-
PRESIDENT EVIL: Ha, and remember when I smashed up Brain God’s car? That was a good one, too.
NATE: I was getting there.
EVIL: It’s probably why he left, come to think of it. Took his whole crew with him, too. Good times, good times.
NATE: (seething) Yes, and now he runs his own promotion, and won’t stop sending me passive-aggressive emails about it.
EVIL: (Not even bothering to contain his laughter) And from what I understand, it’s a bigger operation than your shit-show.
NATE: (frowns)
EVIL: Heard they got working plumbing and their own building and everything.
UNCLE ABDUL: Goddammit, Evil. Just stop.
EVIL: You know by now that I’m incapable of that, gramps. It’s why we’re here.
NATE: Exactly! It’s one thing to screw everything thing up here, but you do not invade another promotion!
EVIL: I only invaded the backstage area. Besides, maybe Warrior Pro needs to hire better security. That third guy turned and ran after Fang and 35 worked over the first two. Unprofessional, if you ask me.
NATE: Jesus Christ, Evil! That’s literally a felony!
EVIL: Or pro wrestling, same thing.
NATE: Seriously, give me one reason-
EVIL: …to stay here, and you’ll turn right back around?
NATE: (Starting to pace around the room) I just… I can’t, it’s like talking to a wall. Is everything a joke to you!?
EVIL: Yup.
ABDUL: (Stepping in,, clearly sensing that Nate is not up to the task) Evil, tell me why we shouldn’t shitcan you right here and now.
(EVIL slowly circles the room, finally stopping at NATE’S desk. He casually takes a seat, propping his feet up on the desk and scattering a pile of papers in the process.)
EVIL: How’s your main event scene looking right now?
NATE: What?
EVIL: You know, your heavyweights. The main eventers, the guys who would be fighting over your primary championship in a functioning promotion that actually had a belt. How’s that going right now?
(long, awkward silence)
EVIL: So who are your big draws right now? Guess you can’t really rely on good ol’ Big Yellow right now, can you?
NATE: …Thanks to you.
EVIL: Ha, I know, right? But who else is there? One of your other literal senior citizens, like Hoss or Gummo or that mangled hillbilly? Or how about your younger guys? Skip Legday? Got kicked in the nuts one time and was out for a year. Crash Ferrari? Loses half his matches. Fuchs? The retarded dinosaur guy? They lose all of their matches. So who else you got? Vanzetti? The homeless guy? That fat fuck Youtube Nazi? I mean, you got Manchoma, but only till he gets laid low by paternity suits and/or tertiary syphilis. Who else is there? Who else gets people in the building? Who else sells t-shirts and keeps this clown show from fading into memory? Hmm?
(Another awkward silence)
EVIL: Nothing? Okay, I’ll tell you: It’s me. Only me. So you know what? Go right ahead. Suspend me indefinitely. Hell, fire me. See what happens. And hey, you know what? I’ll do you one better! What if I just walked out right now, huh? Just tore up my contract and told you both to fuck off? How’s that sound?
NATE: You wouldn’t…
EVIL: I’ve done it before. You know I’ve got an open contract offer from Olive Japan, right? They’ve been practically begging me to come back for like two years now. I could take Fang with me, and their parent company is starting up a women’s promotion, so I’m sure they’d love to have Bulldog, too. Agent 35 is probably fucked, but that’s life. Or hell, who knows? I’ve never worked in Mexico before, maybe I could ask around down there. Not to mention – if you believe internet rumors – the SWA is looking for a new top guy, and I might fit the bill. So I ask you once more, what’s there to stop me from walking out again, and putting this place out of business, again? You need me more than I need you.
ABDUL: That’s all fine, well, and good, but you’re forgetting something here…
(ABDUL reaches across the desk and pushes EVIL’S feet off of it, spinning the chair sideways in the process. EVIL remains seated, but his posture and general demeanor clearly shifts to one that says some shit’s about to go down)
ABDUL: … I remember why it was that you left back then. So go ahead. Take off. Hell, don’t even worry about your contract; we’ll go ahead and release you from it, free and clear. So you can go do whatever. Go back to OJPW. Take a tour or Mexico. See if the Senatorial Office is hiring. Hell, maybe head over to SWA and make that easy money doing one of those shitty straight-to-video movies they’re always doing. Bigger crowds, more money, fame, fortune… Meanwhile, you’re gonna lose your last chance at the white whale, Ahab.
(NATE sort of looks puzzled at that last part, meanwhile, EVIL slowly stands, narrowing his eyes and knowing exactly what Abdul is talking about)
ABDUL: Remember? You almost had him, Evil. “Live, on pay-per-view! ETERNAL STRUGGLE 2011!” Remember that fuckin’ debacle? Last show we ran before Stevie got indicted. Right there on the poster. “The final battle! Big Bird Machine versus President Evil, mask versus mask. ” It was finally gonna happen, master against student, real Darth Vader shit. We all know what happened though. House show. Bird goes down, grabbing his knee, and he doesn’t come up for eight years. And you were gone a week later. And I’m willing to guess that the main reason you came back for the relaunch was because you figured he’d show up sooner or later, and you could get whatever sort of fucked-up reckoning you feel you deserve sooner or later, right?
(EVIL says nothing, just menacingly staring a hole directly through ABDUL)
ABDUL: And you wanna know something? The thing about ol’ Bird is, well… He’s old. Been doing this since the eighties by my estimation, and he can’t do it forever. Hell, he shouldn’t have been able to go for this long. So any chance you have left for a one-on-one match is probably gonna be your last and only chance, right? So I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit on you taking off anytime soon, Evil.
EVIL: Okay, fine. You got me. So what?
(ABDUL grabs a pencil off the desk and studies it for a moment)
ABDUL: See what this is? It’s the most powerful object in the world, and I have control of it. I’m the guy who makes the fuckin’ matches, Evil. And I’m a reasonable man. I’m not gonna ask you to be a Boy Scout, because I know it’s a lost cause. Not gonna tell you to go find your old red, white, and blue mask and start kissing babies to Lee fuckin’ Greenwood again. Gotta have a villain or you’re not gonna draw a crowd; wrestling is weird like that. But goddammit, Evil, you need to calm the fuck down. None of this bullshit like you pulled with Ace and Bird. If you’re gonna hurt your opponent, do it between the bells when they still got a chance, and not after they’re already beat. And if you’re not gonna keep your antisocial tendencies in the ring, at least keep them in your own goddamn promotion.
EVIL: And if I don’t play nice?
(ABDUL flips the pencil over, deliberately pointing out the eraser)
ABDUL: You’re gonna be waiting a long time for what you want. And if you can’t unfuck yourself soon, you might be waiting forever.
(EVIL immediately gets absolutely furious and moves from behind the desk, standing face to face with ABDUL and it suddenly looks like some serious shit is about to go down)
EVIL: YOU CAN’ DO THAT TO ME! Listen, you ungrateful little son of a bitch! I don’t care who books the matches, who signs the checks, or who this place is named after! I MADE this promotion! It’s MINE! It belongs to ME!
NATE: Uhh, hey, calm down-
EVIL: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
NATE: (shuts up immediately)
EVIL: When this place was falling apart, I kept it running! When Stevie ran this place into the ground and there was no money left, I worked for FREE! When all you little fucks were all calling me a sellout for taking off when I did, you were still paying your fucking mortgages out of MY downside fucking guarantee!
ABDUL: (almost eerily calmly) …So you understand that life ain’t fuckin’ fair sometimes.
(EVIL balls up his fists and looks like he is about to knock the absolute shit out of ABDUL, and ABDUL honestly starts to look like he kind of likes the idea, fist tightening around the pencil he’s holding in a way that seemingly indicates that it has now officially become a weapon)
EVIL: You motherfucker…
ABDUL: Come on, big ‘un! If you’re gonna do something, fuckin’ do it! See what happens! I can do a lot more with one of these than erase a name off a fuckin’ booking sheet!
(EVIL kind of tilts his head quizzically, then seems to loosen up, and suddenly seems more amused than anything else, even letting out a quiet chuckle. He leans in close, not quite whispering in ABDUL’S ear, but seemingly not wanting NATE to hear his next words)
EVIL: Heh… not even on your best day. Not even thirty years ago, you wouldn’t have stood a chance in hell, old man.
(ABDUL’s mouth ever-so-slightly curls in a smirk, and there is a weird sort of twinkle in his eye that’s somehow absolutely terrifying)
ABDUL: Fuck around and find out, kid.
NATE: Uhh… OKAY! Evil! You’re suspended indefinitely! Get the hell out of my office! Abdul! Stop being scary!
EVIL: Hmph. It’s not like you fuckers can even get it together to run weekly, anyway. Enjoy your half-capacity gates, dickheads.
(EVIL leaves the office, but can still be heard once he’s back in the main lobby)
EVIL: (to an unknown party) Who the fuck are you? I don’t know you! Outta my way, shithead!
EVIL: (In a much more cheerful tone, because that’s the effect she has on people) Oh hey, good morning, Pam!
(The door dings as EVIL leaves)
NATE: What the hell was that?
ABDUL: I dunno, that’s just how he is.
NATE: No, I was talking abut you.
ABDUL: Best not go there, boss.
NATE: But… You really looked like you about to stab him or something!
ABDUL: Don’t… Just drop it.
NATE: … And that “not even thirty years ago” thing. I thought you told me you were never actually a wres-
ABDUL: DROP IT, GODDAMMIT!
NATE: Uhh, sorry.
ABDUL: Sorry, just… You know… Dig around in the past too much, you might find something ugly, boss. As far as you’re concerned, that whole thing never happened.
NATE: (desperate to change the subject) So…. Yeah. I think we really might be kinda screwed here, though.
ABDUL: Pretty sure that’s the American Experience, at this point.
NATE: Well, no – I mean yeah, but no, I’m talking about the company. Everything else shutting down didn’t give us the boost we thought it would on that last “tour,” because more people were smart enough to stay home than we thought. And now, everything is back open. Not to mention, the gate for that last show was down, and it really might have been because Evil was suspended. This could end up being really bad for us.
ABDUL: People really do love a gruesome spectacle, and he has a habit of providing one, I guess. Eh, but we’ll do what we always do. Try to put together the best cards we can, given the circumstances and hope people show up. And if they don’t show up, we’ll just take whoever’s there and shove ’em all on the three sides of the ring that show up on camera.
NATE: We can’t keep this up forever, though. I mean, it’s not like a whole lot of cash is just going to walk through that door anytime soon.
(PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES peeks her head inside the door)
NATE AND ABDUL: (cheerfully, because that’s just the effect she has on people) Hey, good morning, Pam!
PAM: Hey there, hon. I’m sorry to interrupt you guys, but there’s someone out here in the lobby, and says that he’s a very important person, and that he “shan’t be kept waiting.”
NATE: Wait, he actually said “shan’t?”
(PAM just nods and shrugs)
NATE: Okay, I guess I’ll go see who this is and what he wants.
(NATE heads out into the lobby, where a tall man in very expensive-looking clothes is waiting, and the man’s impatience is visible. NATE approaches and offers an introduction and a handshake, as one does, but the stranger seemingly refuses to touch him)
NATE: Uhh, hi, I’m Nate, uhhh, Nate Ruggle, and I’m the-
HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI: Who is in charge here!? I demand to see them at once! I’ll have you know that I am Hapsburg Raytheon the Sixth! I am a very important person, and I shan’t be kept waiting!
TO BE CONTINUED….