Tag Archives: uncle abdul

TALES OF THE INTERNATIONAL OMNIPRESENT CAMERA!

SAN JOSE, CA: Outside a local hospital, STRUGGLE PRO‘s resident team of antagonists, THE EVIL ADMINISTRATION, are gathered to assess their current situation after a pretty disastrous month, and/or wait for a taxi back to their hotel. Following a sudden, humiliating, and injurious defeat to WARRIOR PRO World Champion DOC WYATT, a neckbrace-clad STRUGGLE final boss PRESIDENT EVIL is suddenly facing unexpected downtime, while everyone else is just bummed to be here, after only finding out a day before the event that seconds were banned from ringside.

PRESIDENT EVIL: I can’t believe this shit. This is a fuckin’ disaster. This was supposed to start the Year of Evil! I was going to get shirts made and all that shit! We should be heading home right now, with all of STRUGGLE’s singles titles, plus the world belt from this fuckin’ place… Instead, you idiots lost your titles, and then… Ugh, that little fucker, and his fuckin’ Diamond Cutter…

On sale now…?
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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA! Them’s the Rules

(THE SCENE: At the STRUGGLE offices in the old Blockbuster next to the arena, STRUGGLE President NATE RUGGLE and Head Booker/Everything Else UNCLE ABDUL are meeting with wrestler DONITA ZAPATA, who has been knocked out of action for the forseeable future, following the events of FALL FORWARD #1.)

ABDUL: Are you sure you wanna do this? I know you won’t be takin’ bumps out there all night, but there’s still a chance. I mean, Referoth got nailed out there last week.

DONITA: I know, but just.. Fuck man, I’m gonna be out of work for a year, probably. I’ve got to do something. And I already passed the written test, and the Athletic Commission signed off on it, somehow.

NATE: I guess so, but you do realize that we’re broke, right? If something gets aggravated out there and you need another surgery or something, we can’t help with it. Hell, we couldn’t help with the first one.

DONITA: Yeah, I’m well aware of that. Again, it’s part of why I need a fuckin’ job so bad.

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE EVERYWHERE CAMERA: TALES FROM THE TRI-STATE AREA

(THE SCENE: Outside the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn, THE PHANTOM ROCKER approaches her car – a sweet 1987 IROC-Z. After she unlocks the door and prepares to get inside, she hears a familiar, angry voice…)

DONITA: HEY!

(ROCKER turns around to see her alleged older sister DONITA ZAPATA.(“alleged” sister, as in confirming such things would reveal a masked wrestler’s identity, which is illegal – but c’mon, that’s totally what the deal is) DONITA is conspicuously wearing her own early 90s-esque clothing, as opposed to the glam rock themed stuff she was forced to wear as a result of losing the “Hair Metal vs. Mask” match a while back)

ROCKER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing!?

(DONITA angrily shoves a piece of paper into ROCKER’s hands)

ROCKER: Wait… What is…

DONITA: It’s from the Tri-State Area Athletic Commission. And it’s says that you can fuck off, Lita.

ROCKER: But-but-but-

DONITA: A lucha de apuestas contract can’t be open-ended, unless it’s a mask or a loser-leaves-town situation, and how long I had to wear that bullshit was never specified. Add in your abuse of the situation, all your goddamn Skittles or whatever, and the commission ruled that- like I said – you can fuck right off.

ROCKER: So… Are you just going to…

DONITA: What!?

ROCKER: Well… I mean… I just thought that…

DONITA: Lita, if you are about to tell that you had hoped this would be bring us together or some shit, don’t bother. I am fucking done with you. Congratulations.

(ROCKER, looking like she’s on the verge of tears, angrily throws the car door open, gets inside, and starts the engine. DONITA smugly looks on, then starts to turn around, before being interrupted)

ROCKER: I guess you’ve got a point, Donita. I mean, being forced by someone from your own family to look and act a certain way against your will? Why, that must have been awful.

(ROCKER guns the engine, recklessly backs out of her spot, and tears ass out of the parking lot, squealing tires and throwing rocks and shit everywhere. DONITA just stands and stares as she drives off, suddenly with a very distraught look on her face)

MEANWHILE…

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA – ROAD TO THE COOL ZONE, PART TWO: BLOOD AND THUNDER

THE SCENE: STRUGGLE Pro headquarters, the details of which you probably read about in the last blog post. Resident arch-villain PRESIDENT EVIL has been called into company president NATE RUGGLE’S office, to answer for his recent attack on BIG BIRD MACHINE, following a guest appearance at Warrior Pro’s Warriorversary II.

NATE RUGGLE: Seriously, what is wrong with you!? I have cut you as much slack as I possibly could, Evil, but this is too far! The cheating, the fights backstage, what you did to Ace-

PRESIDENT EVIL: Ha, and remember when I smashed up Brain God’s car? That was a good one, too.

NATE: I was getting there.

EVIL: It’s probably why he left, come to think of it. Took his whole crew with him, too. Good times, good times.

NATE: (seething) Yes, and now he runs his own promotion, and won’t stop sending me passive-aggressive emails about it.

EVIL: (Not even bothering to contain his laughter) And from what I understand, it’s a bigger operation than your shit-show.

NATE: (frowns)

EVIL: Heard they got working plumbing and their own building and everything.

UNCLE ABDUL: Goddammit, Evil. Just stop.

EVIL: You know by now that I’m incapable of that, gramps. It’s why we’re here.

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