THE SCENE: Backstage after the opening match of STRUGGLE Pro THE COOL ZONE #1, a freshly-defeated YUMIKO LA GRANGE is not handling the loss well. Despite the intervention of STRUGGLE Pro head booker UNCLE ABDUL, it can be safely said that she is absolutely losing her shit.
YUMIKO LA GRANGE; What the fuck was that, anyway!? Lorelei Grim is like a thousand fucking pounds! She moves like a sloth! How the fuck can you not duck that lariat!?
TOSHIYO NAKANO: Please, Yumiko-san, I-I I try, but she just-
YLG: Do not give me a fucking excuse! DUCK! THE FUCKING! CLOTHESLINE!
UNCLE ABDUL: For Christ’s sakes, Yumiko, just calm down!
YLG: No! See, this is why I do not wrestle in tag matches! Worthless fucking partners always fucking things up! And what the fuck is this!?
(YUMIKO motions toward TOSHIYO’s ring gear, which is conspicuously the exact same color scheme as her own)
YLG: Stop trying to fucking copy me!
TOSHIYO: I-I sorry, I not have rest of my-
YLG: “I sorry.” Oh, for fuck’s sake, just speak Japanese, you sound like that fucking dinosaur idiot!
ABDUL: Look, I get it, you’re pissed off for being on the losing side, but shit happens! It’s just one match.
YLG: You are goddamn right,, it was just one match. Never again,, Abdul! I do not work tags, I sure as shit do not wrestle in opening matches, and I DO NOT! FUCKING! LOSE!
ABDUL: Yes you do, goddammit,, and Lorelei beat you a few months back with the same move, Yumiko. Now settle down!
(YUMIKO points and opens her mouth as though she’s about to say something, then just kind of grunts, turns around, and stomps off toward the locker room. A trail of huge F-words follows her, as wrestlers scramble to get out if the way. ABDUL shakes his head in disgust, while TOSHIYO is nearly in tears as she watches her leave.)
ABDUL: Shit, I’m sorry. It was my fault for booking that match. Shoulda known she’d go off if something bad happened. That’s just how she gets sometimes.
TOSHIYO: She not always like that… What happen to her?
ABDUL: Ah, well… The full answer would require several hours and a couple advanced psychology degrees. Short answer? She married Ace La Grange. Fuckin’ Ace happened to her. That shit woulda sent anybody over the edge. ‘Course he really is doing better lately, but still. Always assumed that’s why she cusses so damn much all the time, too.
(TOSHIYO cringes and sucks air through her teeth)
TOSHIYO: Uhhh… No, no… She always speak like that.
ABDUL: Good God. Welp, anyway. We don’t require y’all to stay till the final match ends, so you can take off if you want. Otherwise, feel free to head up to the loft area where Buddy keeps the hard camera if you wanna watch the rest of the show. Of course, there’s probably twenty other wrestlers up there by now, and it kinda shits on any idea of social distancing, but I figure we’re all screwed at this point anyway. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Baby Lucifer’s match is already over, and I gotta go make sure he didn’t kill any of those idiots.
MEANWHILE…
(Elsewhere backstage, TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX broods silently on a locker room bench, in preparation for his match later in the night with BIG DICK FUCHS. It’s an important match, as his won/loss record as of late has been, quite frankly, the drizzling shits. Still no matter how hard it has been for him to get a win lately, the other wrestlers still give him a wide berth, because no matter what happens in the ring, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s very large, very intense, and very scary. He doesn’t like being bothered at times like this, and it all works out for the best. Except on this night, when the relative silence is suddenly shattered by a very loud Puerto Rican man in an equally loud American Flag-themed windbreaker.)
MANNY DIAZ: Hey! Hey you! Just the man, I’m looking for!
TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX: (literally just growls like a goddamn animal)
DIAZ: Listen, kid. You’ve been suckin’ shit out there, but I tell ya, I’m the guy who’s gonna turn it all around for you!
T-PLEX: GO AWAY.
DIAZ: Don’t think I will. Do you even realize who I am?
T-PLEX: T-PLEX NOT CARE. GO AWAY.
DIAZ: Well, you should care. You know that crossface chickenwing move that you’ve been using? That you’ve been screwing up and losing with? It’s my fuckin’ move, kid.
(T-PLEX looks up and raises an eyebrow)
DIAZ: Yeah, that’s right. Manny Diaz. “The Mexican American.” Four-time world champion. And the guy who can guide you to a few reigns of your own someday, if you’d quit being an ass.
T-PLEX: T-PLEX NOT NEED HELP. GO AWAY.
DIAZ: You obviously do. Link the hands, dammit. Won’t be able to do it on the really big guys, but if you can those hands together, the hold is inescapable. Of course, your lazy ass has your hands a foot apart half the time, which is why they escape so damn easy. It’s cross-face, not graze-chin. Here, watch this.
(DIAZ leaves the room, and T-PLEX gets a short-lived look of relief, but DIAZ soon returns, pushing one of those old elementary school-ass TV-carts, complete with CRT television and VCR)
DIAZ: Okay, NOW, you’re gonna see how it’s done!
T-PLEX: IS THAT… VHS? THIS NOT 1992.
DIAZ: Nothing good ever happened after 1992, kid. Now, watch.
(This is the part where I used to embed a video, but Twitch broke their shit, so just click here to see what he’s talking about)
DIAZ: See? That’s how a real champion does it!
(T-PLEX just sits quietly and nods, before finally getting up and heading toward the door for his match, before DIAZ stops him)
DIAZ: One thing, though: This guy, Fuchs? Not exactly a world-beater, but he’s tough as nails, and as stupid as he is tough. Forget the submission. Brute force, kid. Dump him on his head, get the three count before he remembers where he is.
(T-PLEX grunts and heads toward the ring.)
ELSEWHERE…
(Perhaps against her better judgment in times of plague, TOSHIYO has decided to take in the rest of the show from the semi-secret loft area overlooking the arena. It was originally used as storage space by one of the various retail establishments that took residence here between the venue’s heyday as a wrestling arena and its low point as a bingo hall. Since then, it was reinforced and filled with an assortment of folding chairs, ice chests, and sturdy-looking boxes, and has been used as a place for the wrestlers to watch the rest of the card ever since. Not that much actual watching of wrestling ever happens – Mostly it’s used for drinking, semi-playful shit-talking, and the occasional poker game. Also, it has been given an unofficial status as “sacred ground,” where rivals and enemies opt to silently ignore one another, rather than cnfront each other. Partially this is to protect the wrestlers’ future earnings on a potential grudge match, and partially this is to keep the damn thing from collapsing, even though ABDUL insists that someday, it’ll be the last part of the building left standing.
Either way, TOSHIYO – not really knowing anyone well enough to socialize, aside from her cousin YUMIKO who seemingly hates her now, KAZUSHI MAEDA who has a deep-seated hatred of humanity, and CRAWDAD HOSHINO who just kind of freaks her out – has found an extremely-warped and apparently match-used chair and decided to catch the rest of the show. She keeps looking around to see if her cousin is up there, but sees no signs of her. Meanwhile, it soon becomes apparent that there are only other two empty seats up here, and they soon become occupied by the two very people who just got finished beating her up earlier in the night – LORELEI and JEZEBEL GRIM. she is extremely uncomfortable, but being almost superhumanly friendly at times, LORELEI doesn’t notice)
LORELEI: Oh hey there!
TOSHIYO: Oh, I, uhhh, hi?
LORELEI: How you doin’ hon? Hope I didn’t get carried away with that clothesline.
TOSHIYO: It was, uhhh… I seem okay?
LORELEI: Oh well that’s good, sugar. you know how it is, I never mean to knock people out, but sometimes, it just happens, ya know?
TOSHIYO: Yes, uhh, many things can happen.
LORELEI: Like that fella in the ring there, the guy with the green face paint. Sometimes, I swear, he just forgets his own strength. He’s nice enough, if you give him his space, I suppose.
(TOSHIYO is extremely uncomfortable by this point, and stops to look around for YUMIKO again)
TOSHIYO: I not see Yumiko since match. She ever come up here?
(Suddenly, LORELEI looks as uncomfortable as TOSHIYO feels)
LORELEI: Ah, well, y’see… That cousin of yours, well, you know… she’s not really the social type.
(Having been silent to this point, JEZEBEL looks up from what is already at least her second beer, shakes her head, and laughs)
JEZEBEL: God, damn, Lori… Only you could find such a diplomatic way of calling the woman a cunt.
LORELEI: Jezebel Darlene Grim! You watch your mouth! This woman is a guest in our country!
TOSHIYO: Wait, I not know that word – What is “cunt?”
LORELEI: Do not say one word, Jezebel.
JEZEBEL: Heh. Just wait till I’m drunk enough to not self-censor.
(LORELEI turns and frowns intensely at JEZEBEL, who has pulled out what appears to be a big, fat cigar, and is struggling with a seemingly empty lighter)
LORELEI: You’ll have to excuse my sister, she ain’t right in the head.
(TOSHIYO nods politely and silently wonders if she’ll ever know what a “cunt” is, and looks toward the ring just in time to see a large man dressed vaguely like a dinosaur suplex another large man directly on top of his head. There is a collective “ohhhhhh” from both the regular audience and the semi-hidden wrestler audience as the ref makes a swift three-count. Elsewhere, JEZEBEL has apparently found success with her lighter, and it is quickly apparent that there is little if any actual tobacco involved in her current situation)
LORELEI: Now, you see, that’s what I’m talking about! He just dumped him right on his head, and if you ask me, that was –
(LORELEI stops talking and starts sniffing the air around her, and is immediately just super-pissed)
LORELEI: JEZEBEL! Damn you, you told me you stopped doin’ that stuff!
JEZEBEL: (speaking while holding her breath) Wait, you actually believed me?
LORELEI: I swear, you are going straight to hell someday!
JEZEBEL: (blowing out a gigantic plume of skunk-scented smoke) Welp, if it’s already too late…
LORELEI: See, like I been sayin’, all this nonsense and carryin’ on is how you’re gonna end up like Aunt Lucy, 45 and still single, in a house full of goddang feral cats!
JEZEBEL: Oh, so.I should just snatch up the first tweaker in a primer-colored Honda Accord, like you did?
LORELEI: Dangit, Jesse, for the last time, Doodlebug is not a tweaker!
JEZEBEL: Aw come on! If it walks like a tweaker, quacks like a tweaker, and says “hey, you got any scrap metal you wanna sell?” like a tweaker, then it’s a fuckin’ tweaker.
(Meanwhile, having built up absolutely no tolerance to JEZEBEL’s second-hand blunt smoke in a life of relatively clean living, TOSHIYO is blissfully unaware of the argument happening around her. Conversely, she has become extremely aware of the subtle nuances of the back of her left hand, and is pretty sure that the COKE PARTY vs. GROZNY TWINS match happening in the ring is the absolute greatest nineteen-star classic that she’s ever seen.)
JEZEBEL: You know what? Fuck this noise. Hey! Hey, Yumiko’s sister!
LORELEI: Cousin.
JEZEBEL: Whatever. Hey, you wanna be my new tag team partner?
LORELEI: What!?
TOSHIYO: Uhhh… Hai. Yes. Yeeeeaahhh.
(TOSHIYO sort of nods her head while throwing up the RONNIE JAMES DIO devil horns, seemingly unaware of her surroundings, because she is indeed absolutely unaware of her surroundings.)
LORELEI: Really!? Okay, fine! Then I’ll just team up with Junior, then!
JEZEBEL: Whatever. Me and what’s-her-name are gonna kick y’all’s ass.
LORELEI: Not gonna happen.
JEZEBEL: I’ll bet you a dollar we will.
LORELEI: Dangit, I am not gonna fight my own flesh and blood over a dollar!
JEZEBEL: Okay, well what about… Five dollars?
LORELEI: Gotta make sure Junior’s okay with this, of course.
JEZEBEL: Right on.
(LORELEI and JEZEBEL shake hands, as TOSHIYO briefly passes out and wakes up just in time to not fall out of her chair)
MEANWHILE…
(TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX returns to the backstage area, victorious for once. The only thing that could ruin this occasion would be if the loud guy in the American Flag getup was still here. So of course, a beaming MANNY DIAZ is exactly the first thing he sees as soon as he turns the corner.)
DIAZ: See!? Exactly like I said! I tell you boy, with my leadership, you’ll be world champion in no time!
T-PLEX: NO. T-PLEX NOT NEED MANAGER.
DIAZ: (completely ignoring what was just said) First thing we gotta do is, you need some entrance gear. This ripped-up T-shirt bullshit is no good! what you need is something with some real class! You need a satin jacket!
T-PLEX: DO YOU NOT LISTEN? NO!
DIAZ: And look, the whole dinosaur thing is fine, but it’s not gonna take you to the next level. Dinosaurs are gone! They’re old news! what you need… is America.
T-PLEX: BUT… DINOSAURS RULE EARTH FOR MILLIONS OF YEARS. AMERICA LESS THAN 300 YEARS OLD.
DIAZ: Oh come in!! The dinosaurs had no staying power! The good ol’ U S of A, it’s forever!
T-PLEX: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, YOU NOT WATCH NEWS IN SEVERAL YEARS? SECOND OF ALL, IF ALL OF TIME IS CALENDAR, AGE OF MAN OCCUPY FINAL SECOND OF FINAL-
DIAZ: I can see it now, on the front of all the magazines-
T-PLEX: UHHH, HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, BUT ABOUT MAGAZINES…
DIAZ: “The New World’s Heavyweight Champion: Tyrannosaurus Plex: THE AMERICAN TYRANT.”
T-PLEX: OH… UHHHH, SERIOUSLY, “TYRANT” HAVE MAJOR NEGATIVE CONNOTATION…
DIAZ: Nonsense! It’l be great! First, you win the title! Then, you make the money! Then, you’ll get the women!
T-PLEX: YYYYEAH, ABOUT THAT….
DIAZ: We’re gonna take it all the way to the top! You’re gonna be the next big thing!
T-PLEX: (sighs) IF I SAY YES, WILL YOU LEAVE T-PLEX ALONE?
DIAZ: For now.
T-PLEX: FINE.
DIAZ: You’re not gonna regret this, kid! I’m gonna call my satin jacket guy first thing Monday morning! And I wanna see you back here at six tomorrow morning to start training.
T-PLEX; T-PLEX NORMALLY START AT FOUR IN THE MORNING.
DIAZ: Excellent! Six A.M., it is! Now, let’s go get some fuckin’ Arby’s!
T-PLEX: ARBY’S. PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE OPENED WITH THAT.
LATER…
(After the show, the parking lot has mostly emptied out, aside from a few wrestlers here and there, a few autograph-seeking fans, and that one guy doing brisk business selling dope to both out of his hatchback. Meanwhile, TOSHIYO NAKANO remains as well, but not to sign autographs or purchase drugs, even though the show did get a lot more fun to watch after breathing in JEZEBEL’s second-hand smoke for a while. No, she is still here, because the shitty burner phone she got for this U.S. excursion can barely get a signal, and when it does get one, all the local Uber drivers refuse to go anywhere near this neighborhood. She is just about to give up and take the risk of asking a fan for a ride, when she hears a familiar voice, speaking Japanese.)
YUMIKO LA GRANGE: <Hey.>
(TOSHIYO looks up and sees her cousin, who is looking drastically different from earlier in the day, in an ensemble of flannel pajama pants and a hooded sweatshirt, yet still clearly wearing at least one knee brace. She looks sad and tired, and somehow about ten years older than she looked in full wrestler mode.)
YLG: <Look, about earlier…>
TOSHIYO: <It’s okay, really.>
YLG: <No. No it was not okay. I blew up on you for no reason. You did fine out there. Very few people have managed to beat Lorelei, and your English is way better than mine was at this point. It was just… (sighs) I was fighting with Ace all day, and Junior is fucking up at school, and keeping Crawdad from wandering out into traffic is harder than I thought it would be. My therapist says that when I’m under a lot of stress, I have a tendency to lash out at the closest target, and tonight, that was you. I was a real bitch, and I’m sorry.>
TOSHIYO: <I… I get it, really. You know, I haven’t had to… Uhh… You know, because I… Uhhh… Shit, I forgot what I was about to say.>
YLG: (cocking an eyebrow) <Are you okay?>
TOSHIYO: <Ah, well… You know… I was kinda hanging out with Lorelei and Jezebel after the match, I guess, and well… Jezebel, was, ahh, well, you know. I think she called it a “contact high.”>
YLG: <Jesus Christ, Toshiyo.>
TOSHIYO: < Yyyyeah. Don’t remember much of the night, but I think we’re tag team partners now. And unless I’m remembering wrong, I’m supposed to go deer hunting with her next week, and I think I joined her Dungeons & Dragons campaign? It’s kind of a blur, I dunno. I learned several new English curse words, though, I definitely remember that part.>
YLG: <I leave you alone for like two hours, and you’re getting fucked up and chasing the dragon with a bunch of hillbillies.>
TOSHIYO: <I dunno, they’re pretty nice, so long as they aren’t wrestling you. They really seem to dislike you, tough.>
(YUMIKO gets one of those looks like she’s trying to act unbothered by something that absolutely bothers the shit out of her)
YLG: <Eh, Seems like most people around here do. fuck ’em. So… Where are you staying, anyway?>
TOSHIYO: <Oh, it’s the Days Inn out by the Interstate.>
YLG: <I know that place, Junior and I had to stay there once when the house was getting treated for termites. Not bad, for the price. So, do you need a ride? >
TOSHIYO: <Yes, please, I was going to ask Jezebel, but I had passed out by the time she left, and I’m having no look with this app.>
YLG: <Sounds about right. If I remember correctly, there’s a Waffle House next door. I feel like eating my feelings, and you’ve probably got the munchies, so we could hit that place first.>
TOSHIYO: <Ah, well, you know… I wouldn’t want you to be out too late or anything…>
YLG: <…I’ll buy.>
TOSHIYO: <…but you know, if you insist.>
YLG: Heh.