STRUGGLE Live! Saturday, February 23, 2019, from the Big Empty Building where the old Walmart Used to Be That Does Illegal Metal Shows on Thursday, I don’t know what the attendance was, but we used all the chairs, so that’s something, right? For those of you who had to work a long shift at the donut shop or whatever, here’s the full video below. I think it expires in 30 days or whatever Twitch’s deal is, so hurry, or all the stuff typed below it will be devoid of any meaning.
Match 1: 6 MAN SCRAMBLE ELIMINATION MATCH: Rodimus Primo defeated Radical Jeremy, Jackson Victory, Uno Muerte, Zippity Duda, and Churd Grunson in 28:01
Nerd Rating: 100% *****
Notes: This match what pretty wild for a cruiserweight showcase where no one dove out of the ring, but it was just constant nonsense happening everywhere at all times, which is all you can ask for. I’m not so sure about the five-star rating the nerds gave it, but it was at least a legit 90%. In the future, maybe the crazy multi-man match needs to go on last, because there wasn’t much of a way for anyone o follow this. Maybe start with a battle royal, but fill it with fat guys, I dunno. Anyway, since this is a historical record of things that will last beyond the video, here are the eliminations:
- Churd Grunson eliminated at 6:39 by Rodimus Primo via Michinoku Driver
- Zippity Duda eliminated at 15:41 by Rodimus Primo via El Termino (Code Red)
- Uno Muerte eliminated at 20:16 by Jackson Victory via rollup
- Jackson Victory eliminated at 27:31 by Radical Jeremy via springboard body press thingy
- Radical Jeremy eliminated at 28:01 by Rodimus Primo via Moonbase 2-Sault
Churd actually got some moves off in this one, and I’m proud of him. Maybe he’ll win a match someday. Haha, I couldn’t type that with a straight face. Rodimus kinda dominated this one, indicating that he could be some sort of Chosen One.
Match #2: Turd #2 defeated Big Dick Fuchs in 12:22 with a superplex
Nerd Rating: 69% *** (Nice. I guess.)
Notes: Wow, this just shook up the living hell out of whatever semblance of heavyweight rankings we might have had, in anticipation of having an actual belt for someone to win. Big Dick came into this as a guy with main event aspirations, and he got taken out by a damn Turd. Now, it could be that Turd #2 is better as a singles wrestler than we had realized, but Big Dick is going to have to rack up some impressive wins to get into whatever battle royal/title tournament situation ends up happening. The nerds hated this match, which is understandable, because it was a match with two hosses (nerds hate hosses) where nothing really happened. when was the last time a superplex won a match? 1989?
Match #3: Nasty Dick Bacteria defeated Screaming Rage Man in 12:04 with a diving headbutt
Nerd Rating: 79% ***1/2*
Notes: Whoa, another upset. Rage Man has been heavily hyped (by someone, I’m sure of it) as a contender for both the Heavyweight and No Police Involvement titles, but Nasty Dick got it done. Wow, this card had a Big Dick and a Nasty Dick on it. Maybe they can form a tag team called The Big, Nasty Dicks. I should be jailed or killed just for thinking of that, probably. Sorry. anyway, Nasty Dick is clearly on the rise. Oh Jesus.
Match #4: The Phantom Rocker defeated Virginia Slams in 11:01 with a springboard moonsault
Nerd Rating: 82% ****
Notes: I won’t call this an upset, but Virginia had been straight-up killing people with those elbows lately, (actually knocked out PARTY TIGER a while back, but don’t worry; she was feeling no pain, as always) and the Rocker is a tiny munchkin person, and ripe for being smashed in the face by a larger opponent. The Riocker still hasn’t busted out that Double Lotation Moonsault that she can allegedly do, but she still went airborne multiple times:
HIGHLIGHT:
Match #5: EXPLODING BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH: Pitbull Van Scorpio defeated Toxic Walt in 9:54 by jabbing him in the spine with a damn hammer (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 78% ***1/2*
Notes: First of all, I’m going on record as saying an exploding barbed wire match on a house show wasn’t my idea, and neither was the decision to not put it on last. And I have no idea what happened with that finish. Pitbull just kinda jabbed Walt in the back with the handle end of that hammer, and he dropped like a sack of shit. It was like on Star Trek where the robot guy had a secret off button. Like I could understand if it was the hammer end, but this makes me suspect he was having back problems ahead of time. Guess I have to drive him to the Urgent Care on Monday, because his license is suspended again. Also, for a blood match in a ring full of weapons, this kinda sucked. Sorry.
CRITICAL!
Match #6: The Think Tanks defeated El Grande Chungus & El Choppo in 19:28 when Think Tank Y hit a super bomb on Choppo
Nerd Rating: 75% ***1/2*
The outcome is rarely in doubt when you’ve got an established top tag team against two singles thrown together, but Chungus and Choppo didn’t embarrass themselves. There was one point where Chungus was getting his ass whipped, and Choppo started dancing on the apron instead of helping him, and I don’t know what that was all about. Either he was hoping to inspire the dude through the power of dance, or STRUGGLE has another alcoholic on our hands.
Match #7: Parking Lot Duval defeated Crash Ferrari in 9:14 with an STO (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 77% ***1/2*
Notes: Welp, this was the match that was supposed to save a card that had been disappointing in places, and it seemed like they had something going, but then Duval hit an STO on Crash, and just knocked him smooth the hell out. The suspicion is that the match should’ve ended sooner, and the real injury happened when he took a brainbuster on the floor, but he kept going, and Referoth is a nihilist who just sort of doesn’t believe in the concept of protecing someone’s well-being. But this ended quickly, and it it pissed off the nerds enough to give a 3.5-star match rating to two guys they usually love. Crash is now in the STRUGGLE Concussion Protocol, which mostly involves going “hey, you think you can go tonight?” and judging how long it takes him to register that you asked a question.
CRITICAL!
STATS FOR THE NERDS:
Average Match Rating: 80% ****
Approximate Card Length: 1:41
Approximate Average Match Length: 14:30
CLIP O THE WEEK!
This is the kind of thing that happens in a 6-man clusterfuck, where Uno Muerte sets Rodimus up for some kind of springboard something, but by the time he gets there, Jackson Victory is climbing the turnbuckle, causing Muerte to eat shit into the corner, followed by Victory hitting him with an SSP as soon as he hits the ground. ACTION!
Now, go away.