STRUGGLE Live! From the usual place with the usual number of people, in fact, I’m pretty sure we just get the same losers every time. If you want to watch the show in its entirety, click here and know that the link will be dead relatively soon, as we all will be someday. But not today. Otherwise, here’s a quick little highlight video I slapped together while I was waiting for the towels to dry. After that, a breakdown of the night’s events. (Bingo got cancelled, so we got the place for the night for once)
Watch Highlight: STRUGGLE House Show #4 from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMATCH 1: Trondheim Troy defeated The KoЯn Demon with the Deathcrush (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 76% ***1/2
(NOTE: There are no match times listed this time, because we kept having weird technical difficulties that restarted a few matches. Also, it’s dumb, and no one cares.)
This wasn’t exactly the insane brawl you might expect out of these two guys who typically compete in the No Police Involvement division. I guess Troy made an effort to make things get nasty, because when you’re a lanky-ass beanpole of a cruiserweight taking on a Hoss like the Demon, (don’t expect me to keep typing that backwards R; I know I can copy-and-paste, but it’s stupid, and I don’t wanna) you have few other options, unless you hate yourself. That being said, maybe we should’ve done the usual scattering of weapons in the ring, because leaving these two to use actual wrestling on each other ended ugly, with Troy dropping Demon right on his goddamn head, knocking him out cold. (Or out kold? Okay, I’ll stop.) The Korn Demon is currently in the STRUGGLE Concussion Protoocol, meaning we handed him some Aleve and told him not to come back for a couple weeks.
MATCH #2: Uno Muerte defeated Rodimus Primo with the Coquetando Con El Desastre (crazy twisting corkscrew whatever-it-is)
Nerd Rating 89% ****
Rodimus was one of a few guys who came out flat this week, and as a result, Uno kinda ran circles around him. Seriously, he was just reversing everything, and Rodimus never seemed to mount any major, sustained offense. Still, they kept up the pace, and the crowd was entertained, and more importantly, we already had their money.
MATCH #3: Pam From Human Resources defeated Patty Bobatty with a powerbomb in sixteen fucking seconds.
Nerd Rating: 56% **1/2*
Wow, what the hell. Okay, backstory: So for a while, Pam has been bugging the rest of us around the office to let her out there for a match, and I can’t lie, it’s been pretty annoying. But she’s super-nice and everyone likes her, so it’s hard to say no. so we just figured we’d send her out there against Patty, because Patty’s a 90-pound, malnourished tomato can, and if Pam had to learn the hard way that this wasn’t something that just anyone could do, Patty wouldn’t be able to do any real damage, you know? But then, well, this happened. 16 seconds. SIXTEEN SECONDS. Pam almost put her through the goddamn mat. Maybe soon, we’ll let her wrestle someone like Hannah and see i this was a fluke.
Match #4: Ace La Grange & Radical Jeremy defeated The Secret Evil Service Elite (Bulldog & Fang) when Ace CRITICAL!ed Fang with a Spear.
Nerd Rating: 60% ***
Well, this never really even felt like it got started, and then Ace just drove his entire being through Agent Fang’s ribcage, and Referoth had to call the match off. I have to say though, Ace looked sharp in the time he was out there. Well, I mean, relatively so; 2010 was a long, long time ago, and he’s clearly lost a step to the ravages of substance abuse and fried foods. But for someone in his present state, I gotta say, he kind of dominated out there. Maybe he actually is “good now, brother” this time, like he keeps saying he is? Maybe we’ll book him in a couple of singles matches and see how he does.
Match #5: Peppy Wright defeated Big Dick Fuchs with the Roman Salute
Nerd Rating: 93% ****1/2*
Well, Big Dick continues to disappoint, after he came in with a lot of hype and a pretty hefty contract, at least by derelict regional indy standards. Last time he went out there, he lost to a Turd, and this time, it was a slovenly crypto-Nazi YouTube crank who’s afraid of getting hit. He was sucking wind for half the match, and couldn’t even be bothered to kick out of that lazy foot-on-the-chest pin for a long-ass minute after the match was over. We really hoped that Big Dick would stand tall out proud out there, but instead, it’s been all flaccid impotence so far. Sad. I have no idea why the Nerds rated this so high. Either they didn’t watch it, and just assumed a match that long (almost 30 minutes) had to be good, or they’re also a bunch of fucks like Peppy. Remind me to book him against T-Plex or someone like that soon, because it pisses me off when he wins. Seriously, fuck that guy.
Match #6: Ricky Coke defeated Crash Ferrari with a backslide
Nerd Rating: 88% ****
Wow. This was one of the god-damnedest things I ever saw. At one point, Crash hit his big finish, the Ferrari Crash, (which I could’ve sworn was a name for a different move before) right on a chair, and you could immediately tell that shit had gone bad wrong for Ricky. He was rolling on the ground, grabbing his neck, and I would’ve thought for sure that the match was over, but he just popped up like a goddamn maniac and kept going, and he won the match. Seriously, this was like some real Eye of the Tiger shit right here, like the ghost of Pablo Escobar had popped up on his shoulder, telling him to use the Force. Of course, this was a meaningless exhibition match, and it was super-dumb to keep going, just absolutely dogshit stupid, and he pretty much fell in a heap as soon as he got backstage. He’s lucky he’s not paralyzed after that, because once we got him back for X-rays, it turned out he had broken his damn neck. It was the first time I had ever seen a doctor actually write the words “completely fucked” in sharpie on an X-Ray. Ricky’s gonna be out for a long time. As for Crash, his record currently stands at 0-2, but I’m not sure I can hold that against him. Duval knocked him the hell out a while back, and I honestly don’t think the Hand of God Himself could’ve stopped Ricky Coke last night. Cocaine is a helluva drug.
Match #7: Donita Zapata defeated The Phantom Rocker with the Pacific Northwest Driver
Nerd Rating: 98% *****
I should’ve known this one would end badly. The second we told her who her opponent was going to be, Donita just turned ice damn cold, like a goddamn hitman or something. Seriously, I don’t think I saw her say a word or even make eye contact with anyone from noon till bell-time. There’s some bad blood blood here, and it can’t just be the grunge vs. hair metal nonsense. This was personal, but when we asked the Rocker what the deal was, she wasn’t giving any answers. All I know is that Donita dumped her on her head and kept working her over after the bell, and we had cut the cameras to the Twitch feed by then, we had a to send a whole crew of people out there to get her to stop. It was bad. Bad enough that a crowd full of horny old degenerates who can’t relate to any pop cultural moment that existed after 1995 actually started booing the grunge chick. Gotta keep these two separated until we figure out what’s going on here. Rocker got her neck screwed up on top of a concussion, and she’s gonna be out for about a month. Rough night for injuries.
Match #8: Grizzle 4 Shizzle defeated President Evil with the Kodiak Bomb
Nerd Rating: 86% ****
What the hell!? Generally speaking, President Evil does not lose wrestling matches. He’s dominated everywhere he’s gone, whether it’s been STRUGGLE or Olive Japan, and i have to be honest, the only reason this wasn’t a main event match was because none of us figured Grizzle had a chance in hell out there. But I dunno, the Prez just came out flat, like he never even attempted most of his best holds, and just kept going for the same chokehold over and over, while the bear just kept pounding on him. It looked like things were going to turn around and good would be vanquished yet again, when Prez hit the Drone Strike Backdrop Driver and signaled for the Constitutional Crisis, but like five seconds later, BAM, Kodiak Bomb. Needless to say, he was pissed when he got to the back, and just kind of demanded that Nate give him a rematch, saying a bunch of shit about how Grizzle cheated or whatever, and then broke some shit and left. Maybe if he had taken that sort of tone in the ring, he wouldn’t have gotten his ass kicked, I dunno. But this was huge for the bear, because as people we had expected to be in the Heavyweight title hunt like Crash and Big Dick keep falling behind, he seized a huge opportunity. I guess the joke’s all on us for forgetting that Grizzly Jones had been a bad, bad man, before he got that bear mask glued to his head.
Match #9: Tyrannosaurus Plex defeated Bucko Clambake with the Extinction Level Event
Nerd Rating: 67% ***
This went about how one might expect for a match between an inhuman lizard monster and a piece of human cholesterol. Bucko is officially listed as “day-to-day,” as are we all.
Match #10: Black Panther Mask defeated Big Baby Lucifer with the Revolutionary Armbreaker (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 61% ***
Well, this wasn’t a good match, but god damn, the Panther held up his end. The Big Baby isn’t a pushover like Bucko is, but he got absolutely squashed in this one. Panther was literally running circles around him, like it was the closest I’ve ever seen to a wrestling match simulating time-lapse photography. In the end, Panther slapped on that armbar, Baby didn’t tap out fast enough, and he’s gonna be out for a couple months with a broken arm.
STATS FOR THE NERDS:
Average Match Rating: 77.4 ***1/2*
MATCH OF THE NIGHT: Ricky vs. Crash
Watch MATCH OF THE NIGHT: Crash Ferrari vs. Ricky Coke from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvThe ratings got dragged down by a lot of squashes and ref stoppages. This was a bad, bad night for the Evil Administration, and an even worse night for anyone with bones and joints and brains. Now, go away.