Well, this was a wild one. almost everyone who wasn’t supposed to win ended up doing just that, and we had the wildest, bloodiest, stupidest brawl ever, marred by technical difficulties. Here’s most of the show, at least until Twitch deletes it in a week, then read words about it below:
Watch Wrestlings for you. from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv(and here’s the part that got separated)
Watch Wrestlings for you. from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMATCH #1: Virginia Slams defeated Pam From Human Resources with the Unfiltered Slam in 16:34
Nerd Rating: 90% ****
Welp, Pam finally lost one, and Virginia Slams got her win back from Pam making her tap in a battle royal a while back. The story of this is basically that Virginia hit all her big moves and hit them multiple times, and Pam never busted out any of her potential match-enders. Pam’s new to this, so it’s understandable that she’ll miss a few opportunities out there.
MATCH #2: Uno Muerte defeated Rodimus Primo with Coquetando Con El Desastre in 15:02
Nerd Rating; 94% ****
I’m not sure what that whole “The Man of One Death” thing is supposed to mean, but he came really close to burning his one shot at this when Rodimus hit some sort of goddamn top-rope Canadian Destroyer at one point, and followed it up by dropkicking him like three states away. Still, Muerte managed to win this, because he’s so freaking good, you guys. I’m trying to cut down on my cussing)
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #3: Jezebel Grim defeated Bucko Clambake in 4:12 with the Superman Punch
Nerd Rating: 65% *
This was Jezebel’s first match as an official member of the STRUGGLE roster, and she went out there and completely dismantled a 400-pound man. Of course, Bucko isn’t exactly the greatest of super-heavyweights, but still, that’s a very, very large man. She decided she was going to make a statement out there today. More on that later. Heh.
MATCH #4: “The Turd Experience” defeated Big Winthorp & Lil’ Xeljanz in 10:00 when Turd #2A CRITICAL!ed Winthorp with the Brown Cobra
Nerd Rating: 74% **
The Turd Experience. Jesus. The ending of this was disturbing, like I don’t even want to talk about it. Every day, we stray further from God’s light.
CRITICAL!
MATCH #5: Becky With the Awful Hair & Zelda Lucabrasi defeated Stormy Knight & Patience Halliburton Vanzetti in 17:48 when Becky hit Patience with a Michinoku Driver
Nerd Rating: 66% * 1/2*
Something just seemed off about this match. I dunno, it just felt unnatural, like they weren’t real wrestlers, and were just characters in a video game, where someone had accidentally turned off the ability to enter the ring as the illegal participant to break up pins or whatever. But c’mon, that would be crazy.
MATCH #6: Big Baby Lucifer defeated Tyrannosaurus Plex in 16:52 with the Satanic Temper Tantrum
Nerd Rating: 93% ****
Ahhhh, this was just bizarre. I mean, Baby Lucifer is still on the injured list with a dang broken arm. (Seriously, trying to cut down on my cussing) And he just stomped right up there with nary an arm cast to be seen, and he went out there and whipped the most seemingly insurmountable, utterly unbeatable member of the roster. When he got to the back and we asked him what the heck was going on, he just said something like “POWER OF THE DARK LORD, YAAAAAY,” and walked off. So there you have it. Satan is real.
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #7: PARTY TIGER defeated Yumiko La Grange in 13:16 with the PARTY SUPLEX
Nerd Rating: 86% *** 1/2
Oh daaaaaang, (again, trying to not cuss) the queen is dead! Or at least she got caught off-guard by a tiger suplex. I guess we actually have to have some kind of tournament when we get a new women’s title belt, because it’s obviously no longer a foregone conclusion.
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #8: President Evil defeated El Choppo in 11:57 with the Constitutional Crisis
Nerd Rating: 84% ***
Well, hey, every heavy favorite keeps losing, I guess it’ll work out because we get to watch the super-evil guy lose. Ha ha, no, he choked out Choppo, like he does to everyone. I guess I have to hand it to Choppo, because for a guy who I’m pretty sure hasn’t won a match yet, he managed to go toe-to-toe with the company’s de facto Ace for a lot longer than a lot of people can manage.
MATCH #9: Big Bird Machine defeated Agent Fang in 14:46 with the Thunder Bird Bomb
Nerd Rating: 92% ****
I have to say, Fang was incredibly impressive here. This was a cruiserweight tag team specialist thrown in there against a 500 pound legend, and he actually managed to hang with the big ‘um out there. I get the feeling that a chance to show out against his boss’s greatest foe put the Eye of the Evil Tiger into that kid. The real story here is how, after Agent Bulldog made her presence known one too many times, El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine ran out there and made it two-on-one or a while, but Referoth didn’t disqualify his dad, because he’s a nihilist who feeds on chaos. Once he got to the back, the elder Bird Machine was noticeably upset with El Hijo. I couldn’t make out most of it, because they were speaking Spanish, but he seemed pretty concerned with how President Evil was going to react to all of this. He made the boy leave the building immediately, an there were some really tense moments once the Prez showed up. I don’t know what was said, because they made sure it was behind closed doors, but when Bird left, he looked really upset, and Evil was doing that scary villain laugh while he watched him stomp his way out of the building. This can only end badly.
MATCH #10: DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION TOURNAMENT QUALIFYING ROUND – Father Mayhem defeated Rabbi Spike in 41:28 with a crucifix power bomb
Nerd Rating: 95% ****
So I guess I should’ve mentioned that our tournament for the No Police Involvement title is called The Decline of Western Civilization. (which might be why Peppy Wright demanded a qualifying round match. More on that later. Heh.) Anyway, both members of Bad Religion wanted in, and rather than risk meeting up in a later round or even the final, they demanded that their qualifying match be against each other. I guess they just wouldn’t want tension to grow in their friendship, which I understand mostly revolves around drinking, womanizing, and crushing up and snorting illegally-obtained prescription drugs. Men of the cloth, ladies and gentlemen. But the match? Holy crap. (against, don’t want to cuss) This was one of the most insane, blood-drenched brawls I’ve ever seen. There was so much blood pooled up at ringside that you couldn’t even see some of the weapons they had tossed all over the place, and there was real concern backstage that we’d have to just call a coroner for both guys after the match was over. But just four minutes shy of a time-limit draw, the alleged priest pulled it out, and backstahge they were pals again. It was the weirdest, most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. Which is really saying something, because we have a literal zombie on the roster, the literal Biblical Devil healed a man’s broken arm earlier, and this is wrestling. This was the match of the night, (or morning) but technical glitches screwed up the Twitch stream, so it’s going to take some work to get a single video of it up, if I can manage to do it. Sorry.
MATCH #11: DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION TOURNAMENT QUALIFYING ROUND – Jezebel Grim defeated Peppy Wright in 6:21 with the Superman Punch
Nerd Rating: 65% *
Jezebel had already wrestled, but she was still all riled up from earlier, and insisted that this match couldn’t wait. Peppy agreed, because he hates women, fears hardcore matches, and was seeking any possible advantage out there, up to and including wrestling in a full set of armor. And well… As the head booker of STRUGGLE Pro, it is my responsibility to conduct myself in a fair and impartial manner, and I believe I have succeeded to that end so far. But this match is over and done with now, and the following comments I make not as the head booker, but as a decent human being: HAHAHAHAHAHA, FUCK YOU, PEPPY. YOU FUCKING WORM. YOU GOT HE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU BY A GIRL WHO WAS ALREADY TIRED, YOU FUCKING NAZI SACK OF SHIT. WHERE’S YOUR WESTERN CIVILIZATION NOW, BITCH? HAHAHAHA, GO BACK HOME AND CRY WHILE BEATING OFF TO JORDAN PETERSON VIDEOS, YOU ABSOLUTE TURD PERSON. SUUUUUCK MYYYYY DIIIIIIIICK. But yeah, anyway, this happened.
STATS FOR THE NERDS:
Approx. Card Length: 2:48
Avg. Match Length: 15:15
Avg. Rating: 82% ***
Crazy show. Go away.