This was a weird show, in that I guess the bingo people decided that it might be a neat thing to combine the two key features of their damn bingo hall and have some matches go on while the old ladies are going to bathroom and/or sneaking shots of Everclear in the parking lot. Unfortunately, this happened right as we’re starting a hardcore tournament, and people may have been sufficiently horrified so as to not have this happen again. Oh well. Anyway, short card, and the hastily-assembled nature of it really messed with the video quality somehow, but what can you do. Watch this video within the next 7 days (or is it 14? Or was it 14, but is now 7? Who even knows anymore) and read things about it.
Watch let’s just see if we can get a stupid stream to work from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMATCH #1: The Rockin’ Rocksmen defeated Reverse Racism in 37:33 when Roland hit JEFF with a DDT
Nard Rating 91% ****
Well, I’ll be damned, the Rocksmen pulled one out, and over one of our best teams. (I mean, we only have a handful of teams, but they really are one of the better ones) Aside from the obvious visual physical differences, it looked like 1987 out there, and they actually managed to function as a team for once. I have this theory that it being predominately a late-night bingo crowd had a lot to do with it. I mean, the number of senior citizens present meant that there were probably a lot of people there who knew and loved these guys from the old days, not to mention that Minh and JEFF kind of lost their anti-heroic babyface status when put in front of a Fox News crowd. (In hindsight, I probably should have sent the Think Tanks or someone like that out there instead, because that kind of crowd hates intellectuals. My bad, guys.) Also, uhhh, I really don’t know how to say this politely, but both Rocksmen are divorced older gentlemen, and let’s just say that wrestlers from the 1980s tend to perform at a higher level if they suspect that they might might get laid after the show. Don’t ask me how I know that. Seriously, just let it go. Anyway, Roland and Rocky took a big step toward legitimacy, and Reverse Racism are young, and they’l bounce back from this. Honestly, couldn’t have asked for a better result here, as a promoter.
MATCH #2: Taco Belle defeated Donita Zapata in 9:23 with a Blizzard Suplex Supreme
Nerd Rating 74% **
The big news here was the shocking (well, not really, I mean she was off the injury list) return of The Phantom Rocker, who ran in and hit Donita with a shooting star press and a superkick, and while it didn’t lead directly to the end of the match, it did set Belle up for that crazy moonsault footstomp, and probably did enough damage to swing the outcome here. The Rocker pretty much disappeared after this, like no one even saw her leave the building, leading some to speculate that she’s been hiding in a labyrinth of underground tunnels and boiler rooms and shit under the building, but that’s stupid, this is a building in a strip mall that was built in the late 70s; she probably just snuck out through a fire exit or something. And either way, making a hasty retreat was probably a good idea, because once she got backstage, Donita was pissed, just screaming almost entirely in f-words and flipping over tables and shit. In between all the fuck words, I heard her mumble something about someone named “Lita,” which might be a clue to all of this nonsense. I dunno, I’m gonna have to sit her down and get this all sorted out, before she breaks something that gets us banned from the building.
MATCH #3 – DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION TOURNAMENT QUALIFYING ROUND: Toxic Walt defeated Trondheim Troy in 12:10 with the Rattlehead (TKO)
Nerd Rating 78% **
This match was truly bizarre, in that these two went crazy, brawling everywhere and flooding the ringside area with barbed wire baseball bats, but I’ll be damned if there wasn’t a drop of blood anywhere to be seen in this one. It took me a minute, but I realized after a while that the blood on the canvas was from Donita opening a cut on Taco Belle’s forehead previously, an man, these ring crew guys need to stay on top of that. I’m surprised that Jezebel and Peppy don’t both have bloodborne diseases after they wallowed around in Bad Religion’s puddles at the last show. (Sadly in Peppy’s case, as few around here deserve an autoimmune disease as much as he does. Jezebel is kind of abrasive, but generally good people, so I wish her continued good health) Anyway, Walt moves on, Troy left to go sulk in the dark, cold woods or whatever, and I gotta teach these idiots how to use a mop. I’ve noticed that these hardcore brawls get low Nerd Ratings, because the local Nerds have delicate sensibilities, I guess.
MATCH #4 – DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION TOURNAMENT QUALIFYING ROUND: Nasty Dick Bacteria defeated Froggy Terry in 6:21 with this big running spinebuster thing
Nerd Rating: 67% 1 1/2*
Wow, I had figured Nasty Dick as a tournament favorite here, but I thought Terry would at least put up a fight. Dick has been really impressive lately, even in non hardcore matches. When we get a world title going, could he end up a double-champion? Eh, probably not, with Evil and presumably Bird in the picture. Fun to think about, though.
HIGHLIGHT!
anyway, here’s what the current Decline of Western Civilization situation looks like:
Haven’t heard anything concrete from the EWX people on who they’re sending us. Supposedly, they’ve got one guy they’re definitely sending, and they’re going to do some sort of elimination match thing, where the last two standing get in, with the winner fights the EWX automatic bid, and the second-place finisher having to go up against Rage Man. Seems stupidly complicated, but it’s a glorified backyard fed, and you can’t expect much.
STATS FOR THE NERDS:
Approx. Card Length: 1:03
Avg. Match Length: 16:22
Avg. Rating: 77.5 **
MATCH OF THE WEEK!
Watch MATCH OF THE WEEK: The RRs vs. the…. RRs (stupid shortened names) from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvWeird show, but no one got seriously hurt? I dunno, go away.