HOUSE SHOW #14 5/19/19

Heyyy, another show. Wrestling happened. Here’s the video that Twitch will delete soon, or at least the first part of it. (stupid modem)
Watch it, then watch the second part, then read words.

Watch wrasslin’ with my internet connection from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv Watch wrasslin’ with my internet connection from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv

MATCH #1: BATTLE ROYAL – Peppy Wright defeated Big Baby Lucifer, Big Dick Fuchs, Marioluigi Lucabrasi, Reverend Freakout, Turd #2, The Undertaken, and Dick Smales

ELIMINATIONS:
Dick Smales eliminated by Marioluigi with an Italian Suplex at 13:27
The Undertaken eliminated by Freakout with a Gedo clutch flash pin at 21:15
Turd #2 eliminated by Marioluigi with the Tour of Italy at 24:48
Reverend Freakout defeated by Marioluigi with a flying cross-body at 28:13
Marioluigi Lucabrasi eliminated by Big Dick with a samurai bomb
Big Dick Fuchs eliminated by Peppy with Gamer’s Gate at 33:37
Big Baby Lucifer eliminated by Peppy with the Roman Salute at 34:47

Nerd Rating: 94% ****

That stupid fucking Nazi just keeps winning, and now I am fully opposed to Western Civilization. I mean, he probably already thought I was, but never mind. The bug shame here (aside from Peppy winning) was that Marioluigi was absolutely on fire here, just shrugging off a nasty power bomb from Lucifer that’s going to keep him out of action for about a month (same one that took Hillbilly Grim out for a while) to eliminate two guys almost immediately. It’s a shame he’s as medium sized as he is, because he’s just outside the cruiserweight division, but he’s down a good 50 pounds from half our heavyweights, so things like this will keep happening.

CRITICAL!

MATCH #2: Uno Muerte defeated Jackson Victory with a superkick/standing shooting star press at 18:06

Nerd Rating: 88% *** 1/2*

There weren’t any insane spots for the kids of GIF up on the Twitters, but this match was fantastic, just two guys sprinting around, like a tape being fast-forwarded. If we ever get a cruiserweight title belt, Uno Muerte has to be the favorite at this point.

MATCH #3: DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION TOURNAMENT QUALIFIER, EWX REGION – Doug Graves defeated Secret Pete with the Last Ride in 21:38

Nerd Rating: 95% ****

So our friends at Extreme Wrestling XTREME set up in the parking lot for their big qualifying match, and I felt a great sadness, because that’s damn near a backyard fed, and they have a way nicer ring canvas and a way better general aesthetic than we do. Fuck’s sake out logo is just the Bauhaus 93 font. Anyway, the mall goth Saw fan guy beat up the gimp in L.A. Lakers shorts, and that’s a sentence I just typed. Wrestling! Pete must have been bleeding like a stuck pig under that mask, because just what leaked out of the eye holes made the ring look like a murder scene.

MATCH #4: DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION TOURNAMENT QUALIFIER, STRUGGLE VS. EWX – Screaming Rage Man defeated Uncle Smelly with a diving stomp at 14:41

Nerd Rating: 89% *** 1/2*

A smelly, possibly homeless, and mentally unwell man fought an extremely muscular mentally unwell man who actually smells reasonably nice. (It’s weird, but he totally does) It ended about how you’d expect, but Uncle Smelly did better than I thought he would. He’s a pretty savage dude, and the apparent explanation is that he’s barely aware of his surroundings, and doesn’t think he’s in the semi-controlled environment of a wrestling match and is instead literally being attacked with deadly force. To be fair, Rage Man is probably in the same boat. Everything we do is immoral.

MATCH #5: Skip Legday defeated Mayonnaise Boy with a full Nelson at 26:25

Nerd Rating: 89% *** 1/2*

Holy shit. Mayo Boy is… Well, he’s unsettling. He’s an extremely greasy, extremely sexual man, and he makes everyone uncomfortable, and going head-to-head against a fan favorite like Skip, (who, to be fair, is also extremely oily, but by different means, probably) he was the clear bad guy here. But man, in this match, he just got the Eye of the Tiger, the heart of a perverse champion, and he just wouldn’t stay down, even after Skip damn near lariated his head off. I won’t say he won the crowd over, but they were at least booing more politely. Backstage, Skip tried to be a good sport and shake his hand, but then he just started making creepy comments about glistening eggs or some shit, and Skip kind of took a step back, gave him an awkward thumbs up an a “uhhh, that’s cool bro”, and made a hasty retreat. That’s our Mayonnaise Boy!

CRITICAL!

MATCH #6: The Think Tank (X,Y, and Cyberta) defeated The Evil Administration (President Evil, Fang, Bulldog, and a Secret Evil Service Guy) when Think Tank X kicked President Evil in the damn face at 24:17

Nerd Rating: 89% *** 1/2*

This was a clusterfuck in that the Secret Evil Serviceman who came to the ring with the three named members of the Administration was supposed to be in a second/outside the ring kind of role, but then just sort of hopped up on the apron and no one said anything. Real professional operation we got here. It was also a cluster in that the two top heel factions in STRUGGLE faced off and gave nary a fuck for the “only two people in the ring” rule. Had a wild moment, where The President got cocky and hit Think Tank Y with his own finisher, followed by Y bowing up and hitting Prez with the Burning Flag, his big, brain-destroying mega-finisher, and Evil just sat the fuck up like it was nothing, and powerbombed him out of his boots. Of course, that may have been concussion-induced pride talking, because Tank X just sort of kicked him in the face and pinned him a few minutes later. President Evil is theoretically in the STRUGGLE Concussion Protocol, but when I said something, he told me to fuck off, and that’s a very large man, so I didn’t press the issue. There was a pretty tense confrontation between the two squads backstage, and I’ll probably elaborate on that in a few days.

HIGHLIGHT!

MATCH #7: Yumiko La Grange defeated Pam from Human Resources with a cross kneebreaker at 14:47

Nerd Rating: 96% **** 1/2*

Pam has been impressive for a few weeks now, but Yumiko has been impressive for damn near twenty years, so this ended about how you’d expect. Pam hung in there, but by the end, she was really struggling, and Yumi ate her up like a shark smelling blood. Of note is that she let go of the hold pretty fast after the bell rang, because Pam might literally be the one person around here that she actually likes.

(almost) FIVE-STAR MATCH!