It was a night of upsets, weirdly short matches, and unspeakable violence. As always, watch videos, then read words.
DARK MATCH: Soccer Ninja defeated Sweet Brown Sugar Disco Dynamite Mama Fox in 6:58 with Maradonaye
Nerd Rating: 69% (nice) ⭐ 1/2⭐
Hell, I don’t really know what to say about this one. Ninja is just generally kind of a quiet, awkward person backstage, but she turned into a damn savage as soon as the bell rang. As a former soccer player, she tries to use her hands as little as possible, but when you kick the shit out of someone like that, it doesn’t really matter. Extremely Long Name Fox was kind of viewed as the next one up, as far as getting called up to the main roster, (honestly, I had her at #2 after that fucked-up clown guy) but this match was a huge setback toward that goal.
MATCH #1 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020 SEMI-FINAL: Zelda Lucabrasi defeated Lorelei Grim in 8:22 with When the Moonsault Hits Your Eye
Nerd Rating: 87% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Wow. Someone at one of the Tri-State Area’s many illegal gambling dens that have no doubt opened up since the COVID-19 shutdown got rich off this one. Zelda came into this with no chance at all, like Lorelei already preemptively felt bad about what she was going to have to do to her, but she beat the giant, and it wasn’t a fluke, either. That girl absolutely ran circles around her until she too busy sucking wind to actually fight. The biggest underdog in the tournament – who would probably still be in the Dojo if it existed a year ago – is now one match away from winning the title. Holy shit, y’all.
THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA POST-MATCH INTERVIEW!
MURRAY: Wrestling fans, this is Murray Stadankowicz backstage with Zelda Lucabrasi! Zelda, what’s was going through your mind as you just scored that huge upset?
ZELDA: Murray, I just wanna say that-a I have a lotta respect for my opponent, and that-a she fought a good-a match, and-
(MARIOLUIGI LUCABRASI kind of slides between ZELDA and MURRAY, and Zelda immediately looks furious and stomps off)
MARIOLUIGI: I just wanna say, a lotta people, they-a say my baby sister, she was-a da underdog, but they underestimate her, just like they underestimate me, Marioluigi! I tell-a you, Murray, we gonna hold all-a da championships! When you face-a me, I’m gonna use my technical expertise to beat every body inna front of me! MAMA MIA!
MATCH #2: Kazushi Maeda defeated Ugly, Stupid, Bob in 6:24 with a diving stomp
Nerd Rating: 73% ⭐⭐
Ya know, honestly, Ol’ Bob did a lot better than anyone could’ve imagined in this one. Which is to say he got a few moves in, and didn’t die. Kaz was extremely disappointed with himself after the match for not killing him, too.
THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA UNCOVERS A DASTARDLY ASSAULT!
MATCH #3 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020 SEMI-FINAL: PARTY TIGER defeated Yumiko La Grange in 5:12 with Hold My Beer
Nerd Rating: 75% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Welp. We were all excited for a rubber match in the Yumiko/Lorelei series, but before we knew what happened, the drunken Tiger stumbled in and won her own rubber match against the former champ. You could speculate that Yumiko was looking past this match, but you’d be wasting your time on speculation, because she literally said on at least one occasion that she was looking past this match. One of the big storylines we were expecting o run with going into the final is that in over 20 years, Y.L.G. has been undefeated in singles title matches, but I can’t you can’t lose if you don’t get to the final. Soo, THE STREAK LIVES! Tiger vs. Zelda is the title match at SHELTER IN PLACE #5, and that’s going to be a match that looks like it was broadcast at 4x speed, probably.
THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA POST-MATCH INTERVIEW!
(MURRAY STADANKOWICZ approaches YUMIKO LA GRANGE, who is sitting on a bench, just sort of leaned forward with her head down, covered in a towel)
MURRAY: Excuse me, Yumiko? Yumiko, you entered this tournament as the favorite to win, but you were just eliminated by PARTY TIGER. What do you think went wrong, strategically speaking?
(YUMIKO just sits quietly, completely ignoring the question)
MURRAY: A lot of people have speculated that you were unprepared for this match and were already focusing on the final. Is this true?
(YUMIKO continues to sit silently, before slowly raising a hand, middle finger extended)
MURRAY: Oh… Uhh… Well, you see it’s just that your pre-match interview only addressed Zelda.. and… Lorelei… and… Uh oh.
(YUMIKO, without ever actually looking up, calmly and quietly removes one of her knee braces, takes aim, and hurls it directly at MURRAY’s head, which he just barely manages to dodge)
MURRAY: Okay, thank you for your time!
MATCH #4 – EXPLODING-ASS HARDCORE BATTLE SUPREME: Buff Orpington defeated Walter Grabowski, Turd #2, Ross Coke, Big Dick Fuchs, Grizzle 4 Shizzle, Agent 35, and Tony Unity
Well, this was a clusterfuck. Ol’ Gus must be losing his mind finally, because this was supposed to be a pinfall, submission, or over-the-top rope deal, and not only did he ignore people getting tossed out, but he also didn’t seem to care about submissions. In the end, several people got kncked unconscious, everyone nearly bled to death, and I finally had to step in and declare a winner after Walter Grabowski just kind of seized up. His nephew Neal said that’s a perfectly normal thing for a man of his age and number of accumulated heart attacks, and I’m going to hell for letting him wrestle. Big props to Buff Orpington for not wanting to attack a seemingly catatonic man. He moves on to get a title shot against the Korn Demon, probably in a ring full of stabby bullshit.
MATCH #5: “Captain STRUGGLE” defeated Garfield Vanzetti in an accidental hardcore match in 6:00 by knocking him the hell out with a Rainmaker
Nerd Rating: 76% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
First of all, I gotta have words with the damn ring crew for not only not clearing out all the weapons, but actually bringing in more, including a fucking chainsaw. Jesus. anyway, STRUGGLE insisted that the match take place despite getting brained earlier in the night. And I gotta say, he looked to be in great shape. The boy’s gotten on some sort of new workout regimen that’s not only given him absolutely gigantic upper body muscles and a golden tan, but he looks to have actually gotten maybe 5 or 6 inches taller. Once he regained consciousness, Garfield started screaming some paranoid idiocy about being assaulted by Skip Legday, but that had to be the fresh brain damage talking. Nonsense. That was clearly Captain STRUGGLE. He had the mask and everything. It was clearly him. Clearly.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA:
(a fairly fucked-up GARFIELD VANZETTI is being helped to the back by personal lackey and weird blue-skinned doomsday prepper BUFORD RANDALL. Garfield’s wife, PATIENCE HALLIBURTON VANZETTI angrily approaches STRUGGLE head booker and de facto commissioner UNCLE ABDUL)
PATIENCE: ABDUL! What is the meaning of this!?
ABDUL: That sometimes, folks get knocked out?
PATIENCE: No! You sent my husband out there into a ring full of weapons against that giant brute!
ABDUL: I dunno what your standard for ‘giant brute’ is, but the Captain is a cruiserweight – who, I might add, had been beaten up backstage prior to the match. If your mealticket can’t handle that, he needs to get out of the damn business.
PATIENCE: Excuse me!? That was NOT Captain STRUGGLE! That was Skip Legday, and you know it!
ABDUL: (trying and failing to not smirk) Welp, sure looked like the Captain to me.
PATIENCE: That is bullshit and you know it! You need to fire both of those losers, RIGHT NOW, or I will sue you and everyone in this company!
ABDUL: Yeah, I’m sure you won’t get laughed out of literally every courthouse in America for that one.
PATIENCE: Ugh! That is so typical of you people!
ABDUL: (suddenly taking a much more serious tone) Excuse me, but what do you mean by ‘you people?’
PATIENCE: You people come to this great country and stand idly by while great, patriotic men like my husband-
ABDUL: First of all, I’m from fuckin’ Alabama, and second, if you’re so goddamned concerned with your husband, why is the back seat of that Escalade he bought you covered in the DNA of half the damn locker-
(STRUGGLE acting president NATE RUGGLE quickly intervenes)
NATE: ABDUL! That is enough!
PATIENCE: Finally, someone with some sense. Nate, I want you to fire that man, and Skip, and the Captain, and all those stupid hillbillies, and-
NATE: Patience, please. I have heard your concerns, and believe me, I am sensitive to the issues you’ve raised.
(ABDUL, seething, kind of raises an eyebrow, while PATIENCE shoots him a very “bratty kid who just got someone sent o the principal’s office” look)
NATE: …But you have to understand the company’s perspective here. That was clearly Captain STRUGGLE. He had the mask and everything. Request denied.
PATIENCE: What-I-you… YOU WILL HEAR FROM MY LAWYER!
(Patience storms out of the room, but then stops, seeing STRUGGLE superstar CRASH FERRARI, then smiles and leaves with him, as BUFORD tends to the fallen GARFIELD)
ABDUL: You think she’ll really try to sue us?
NATE: “Try” being the key word there.
MATCH #6: President Evil defeated Ace La Grange in 5:46 with the Constitutional Crisis
Nerd Rating: 74% ⭐⭐
Look, I know we all love the redemption story of the former megastar trying to piece his life back together, but this match shouldn’t have happened, and I’m sorry I booked it. I’m especially sorry that I didn’t take it off the card after Evil went batshit crazy at the last STRUGGLE Session. Ace gave it his best, but his best ain’t what it used to be anymore, and Evil left him a bloody pulp in the ring. The real story is what happened afterward, when Evil kept the assault going after the bell, leading up to hitting his big career-ender, the Burning Flag, and an unconscious Ace getting rushed to the hospital on the fear that Evil had paralyzed him. The news isn’t all bad, as he was up and walking by the end of the night, but he’s gonna be out for a while, in all likelihood. Rest assured, there will absolutely be disciplinary action against Evil in the near future.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA
(As paramedics in the arena rush ACE LA GRANGE to a local hospital for his apparent head and neck injuries, PRESIDENT EVIL triumphantly walks through the curtain to the backstage area, where he is greeted by AGENTS FANG, BULLDOG, AND 35, the latter of which is still heavily bandaged and bleeding from earlier. Before the celebration can begin, they are approached by a furious UNCLE ABDUL)
ABDUL: EVIL! what the FUCK is wrong with you!?
EVIL: Well, I got some loser blood on my shirt, but aside from that, I’m pretty much tip-top, honestly.
ABDUL: Goddammit, is this a fuckin’ joke to you!? You could’ve killed that man! Shit, we still don’t know if he can even walk!
EVIL: Okay, first of all, yes, this is a joke to me, unless you’re too stupid to understand that my name doesn’t mean “President Concern for My Fellow Man.” Second of all, who cares. Fuck him. Maybe when he relapses again, his dealer will give him a quadriplegic discount. THIRD of all, you booked that match! You knew what I could do to that pudgy fuck, and now you’re acting all concerned for his safety? Not to mention – NOT TO FUCKING MENTION – that I drove through a cloud of tear gas to get here, in a building packed full of shoulder-to-shoulder fuckin’ plague-carriers! So don’t you act like you’re concerned for his, mine, or anyone else’s fuckin’ safety, you fucking hypocrite!
(ABDUL looks like he’s about to say anything, but just can’t. That was EVIL’s favorite move. He always tells the truth, because the truth is always more painful for the person hearing it than a lie. EVIL then turns to address the locker room)
EVIL: HEY! Listen up, fucks! Does anyone else here have any problem with how I conducted myself tonight? Will anyone else step forward with their grievances? Or are you all just a locker room full of pussies and cowards?
(The wrestlers backstage all just sit silently, some looking back and forth to see if someone else says anything, but none actually daring to step forward or make a sound. Finally, after having previously been nervously pacing back and forth while talking to someone on her phone for the duration, YUMIKO LA GRANGE – of all people – finally hangs up, looks over the gathered wrestlers with a look of disgust and steps forward, putting an index finger directly in the President’s face)
YUMIKO: Evil, that was fucked up, even for you, and you know it!
(EVIL takes a step back, tilts his head a little, and even underneath his executioner’s hood, it becomes quite apparent that he has just cracked a huge smile)
EVIL: Hahaha, really!? You!? You, of all people!? Hahaha, oh man… My God, Yumiko, you can’t possibly still be sweet on the leader of the Skullet Club, after all that shit he pulled on you. You’re a bigger head-case than I thought!
(A look of pure and utter disgust comes over YUMIKO’s face at the mere suggestion)
YUMIKO: He is my son’s father, I do not get a choice in this matter.
EVIL: Oh? Well, I think you did have a choice, about thirteen years ago, to make the dumb bastard pull out! Oh but silly me, I forgot! You – (EVIL suddenly makes a hugely exaggerated sniffling sound, while furiously wiping his nose) -probably weren’t thinking straight at the time, now were you?
(YUMIKO’s eyes get huge and she furiously starts to charge forward)
YUMIKO – YOU SON OF A-
(Suddenly, FANG, BULLDOG, and 35 step directly in her path, and she stops)
AGENT BULLDOG: I’m gonna have to ask you to take a step back, ma’am! NOW!
YUMIKO: Really!? Fucking really!?
EVIL: (giggling like a damn child) One of the perks and privileged of having your own Secret Service. You oughtta try it someday.
YUMIKO: Just… Whatever. (she starts to walk away, but then stops and turns around, smirking and staring directly at AGENT BULLDOG) By the way… Bulldog… How does your head feel?
(BULLDOG gets kind of a shameful look on her face and takes a step back, looking at the ground. EVIL, clearly no longer in a laughing mood, steps in front of her, as AGENT FANG reassuringly puts a hand on her shoulder)
EVIL: Just Keep walking.
MATCH #7 – HAIR METAL VS. MASK: The Phantom Rocker defeated Donita Zapata in 5:47 with a Frankensteiner
Nerd Rating: 67% ⭐ 1/2⭐
Wow, this was one no one saw coming. This was expected to be a wild-ass brawl between two estranged sisters with weird cult issues between them that freak me out. And I gotta wonder if that was the Rocker’s plan all along, to prepare Donita for a fight and then just stick to the game plan of relying on quickness and speed, rather than brute violence. The Rocker caught her after a shockingly short match with a Frankensteiner, and welp, Donita’s got a lot of hair spray in her immediate future.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OUTDOOR CAMERA:
NOTE: I have no idea how buddy From the Ring Crew managed to get all of this, but I’m reasonably sure several federal laws were violated.
(Outside the Ciro Terranova Memorial Trauma Center in the South Central Tri-State Area, some time around three in the morning. ACE LA GRANGE emerges from the building, heavily bandaged and in a neck brace, being led to the car by ex-wife YUMIKO LA GRANGE)
ACE: Ugh, Jesus Christ… What was I even thinking? I never should’ve agreed to that match, brother. I should’ve just stayed retired and found a regular-ass job…
YUMIKO: It was one match. Shut up. Watch your head.
(They get in the car and head out, and again, I have no idea how Buddy got footage inside the car, he is shady as all hell)
ACE: Well, it’s just… You know, brother, I didn’t come back to just be a midcarder… I’m Ace fuckin’ La Grange! Evil is exactly the kind of wrestler I should be able to hang with, brother.
YUMIKO: Ace… You are over 40 now, and you did a lot of damage to yourself over the last decade. It is a small victory that you can still function at all, much less wrestle professionally and actually put up a fight against someone on his level. Also, stop calling me “brother,” that is so weird…
ACE: Sorry, I dunno, I dunno if it’s the concussions or what, but I can’t help it sometimes, bro- I mean, Yumiko. Hey wait, where are we going? My place is on the other side of the highway.
YUMIKO: We are not going there. Look, you have a pretty bad neck injury, and I have seen that glorified dish sponge that you sleep on. We are going to the house.
ACE: Look, that’s… I don’t… You don’t need to do that.
YUMIKO: It will be fine. You can take the bed, and I will sleep on the couch.
ACE: But, it’s just… Y’know… I don’t feel like I’ve earned this yet…
YUMIKO: Wait, what?
ACE: I mean… I was hoping to get my shit together a little more, y’know, maybe get in better shape and actually win a few big matches, get in title contention first…
YUMIKO: Still talking gibberish.
ACE: Well, you know what’s going to happen…
YUMIKO: (starting to frown) No, I most certainly do not.
ACE: Well you know… Spending the night together, back in the old house… We start reminiscing about old times… Before you know it, we start kissing…
YUMIKO: (fully angry now) No. no, no, no no… How many times do I have to tell you!? IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
ACE: Well, you say that now, but ya know…
YUMIKO: Ugh… Ace… Alan… Listen to me. How can I make this any more clear? If some final catastrophe should strike the earth and we were the only two people left alive, and my continued survival relied on having another gun at my side to help fight the radiation monsters during the day and a warm body next to mine to help stave off hypothermia in the sub-zero nights of nuclear winter… Then, and only then… Maybe.
ACE: So you’re saying there’s a chance?
YUMIKO: Just drop it, or I will slam on the brakes and send your head into the windshield.
ACE: (sighs) Man, brother, what happened to us? Even you have to admit we had some good times.
YUMIKO: No, you had some good times. And what happened to us was the we had a child, and I decided that it was time to grow up, get my shit together, and become an actual adult. Meanwhile, you responded by quadrupling your alcohol and pill intake and sticking your dick in anything and everything that did not look like your wife.
(long, awkward silence)
ACE: You know… Now that I think about it, there was this one girl, Janice… Think she was actually Laotian or something, but she did actually kinda look like you. It was weird…
(YUMIKO get absolutely furious, then reaches over and kind of shoves ACE’s head to the side, causing him to scream in pain)
ACE: AAARRRGGH, JESUS! What the fuck was that for, brother!?
YUMIKO: You know what it was for!
ACE: That was a long time ago!
YUMIKO: Not long enough. And by the way, that is what actually happens when I reminisce about old times.
(another long, awkward silence)
YUMIKO: Now that I think of it, she actually did kind of resemble me, though…
ACE: Yeah, see? she kinda had the same- Wait, you knew about her?
YUMIKO: I knew about all of them. You were not exactly sneaky… Asshole.
ACE: (sighs) Just take me home.
YUMIKO: Are you sure? That pigsty is not exactly a good place to recover from a fresh neck injury.
ACE: Yeah, I’m sure.
YUMIKO: Okay, but when you can barely move tomorrow, do not whine to me about it. Wait, when was the last time you even bought a new pillow?
ACE: Hell, I dunno… Years, probably.
YUMIKO: Ugh, Jesus… (she signals and starts to turn the car around)
ACE: Wait, where are going?
YUMIKO: Dollar store might still be open. It will not exactly be a Tempur-Pedic, but whatever they have will most definitely be an upgrade.
ACE: You don’t have to do that.
YUMIKO: It is no big deal.
ACE: (sighs) You know.. I really don’t deserve you.
YUMIKO: No… You most definitely do not.