TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: An evil epilogue

(THE SCENE: In the dressing room next to the sauna at the Abandoned Pines Retirement Home after Fall Forward #2, several members of the Evil Administration reflect on a blisteringly unsuccessful day at the office. BECKY WITH THE EVIL HAIR, having recently become an ex-champion for the second time, has had an extreme reaction to failure, pacing back and forth, angrily kicking and tossing anything she can find, and generally trashing the place. Meanwhile, AGENT BULLDOG seems calm and relaxed, partially because she won her match, and partially because emotions are kind of rare for her. AGENT 35 is in a similar state, but mostly because he just doesn’t give a shit. Freshly-uncrowned former Cruiserweight Champion AGENT FANG is despondent, sulking on a bench, and staring at a “number 2 guy around here” t-shirt that had been made to commemorate his title win, before wadding it up and throwing it across the room.)

FANG: Well, I guess those can go on clearance now…

ON SALE NOW! (but I’d wait for them to go on clearance)

AGENT 35: Yep, tough break there, my dude. Of course, my shirts can still run free, all thanks to the blessings of lowered expectations.

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FALL FORWARD #2 RESULTS!

We actually ran another show, and did so at great risk to our reputation by doing so in a goddamn retirement home. But fuck it, the gate was good, we got a few absolute classics out of the deal, and hahaha, oh man, it was a terrible night for the Evil Administration. As always, you know the drill, watch the show, or be a lazy ass and just read how you feel about it below.

reading more is fundamental

THE DAILY STRUGGLE #12!

The first big news item for you people is that yes, we are indeed running another show soon. It’s a shock, I know, but seriously, it’s happened before, and it may even happen again. Now, a preview:

DARK MATCHES: So dark, very match-like.

MATCH 1: Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti vs. Twilight Princess Zelda: The official debut of Zelda Lucabrasi going through a phase most people go through in junior high. Whoever wins, I’m sure Patience will be very upset, and I’ll have to hear about it.

MATCH 2: The Turd Boyz vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – Because sometimes, you just gotta add a random match. Also, there was no First Class Family representation on the card, and Johnny San Diego bitched at me all week after the initial announcement, which I guess is a good argument for wrestlers getting managers.

MATCH 3: Junior Grim vs. Agent Bulldog – With the Pac vs. Fang title match as the co-main, we went with an Evil Administration vs. B.A.R.S. theme for a couple of the undercard matches. So it’s a match between the EA member that First Lady Evil considers dead weight, versus the BARS member that President Evil considers to the the same. It’s Dead Weight Bowl 2022! Yeah!

MATCH 4: Uno Muerte vs. Captain STRUGGLE: Major title implications here, in this match between the two guys Pac beat for his shot. High probability of this being the best match on the card.

MATCH 5: Agent 35 vs. Black Panther Mask – Huh. On one hand, you’ve got a guy who’s emerged as a major main event-level player against a guy who seemingly never wins. But on the other hand, the never-winning guy is a staple-slinging deathmatch ghoul, which is always a wild card in any situation.

MATCH 6: Zippity Duda vs. Screaming Rage Man – This was added at the last minute, like it’s not even listed on most of the posters around town. And it’s such a bad idea. So very, very bad.

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WEEKENDS AT THE HOSS DOJO: Social Media Training

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO BE A PRO WRESTLER? DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO STEP IN THE RING WITH A LIVING LEGEND? CAN YOU GET $1500 TOGETHER BY FRIDAY? THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME A SUPERSTAR OF TOMORROW IN OL’ ROSS GRACIE’S INFAMOUS HOSS DOJO!

A large group of trainees gathered in front of the Hoss Dojo at dawn, just as they were instructed to do, but of course, no one let them in the building for another three hours. There were murmurings from a few new hopefuls that this was one of those old school wrestling tests; an attempt to weed out the weak by making them stand in freezing temperatures. The established trainees all knew what the deal was, though: Ol’ Ross Gracie and the day’s assistant trainers always parked out back and went through the rear entrance, Hoss had forgotten they were going to be there that early, and as such had also forgotten to unlock the door. Meanwhile, this was a day where Ace La Grange and Donita Zapata were his assistant trainers, and while Ace had genuinely forgotten about the locked front door, Donita more than likely remembered, but just didn’t care. In the meantime, Ace expressed concern for Donita and the broken neck she had suffered in a match just days earlier.

“Donita… Brother… Should you even be here?”

“What? It’s not like I’m gonna be one of the ones that gets thrown around today.”

“I know, I know… Brother, it’s just that shit’s no joke, you know?”

“Yeah, well…. I’m about to be out of work for a fuckin’ year, Ace. I’m not passing up an opportunity for a hundred bucks.”

Ace sighed sadly. “Yeah, I been there before, brother. I guess it should be okay today, though. Supposedly, we’re just going over some social media policy nonsense for most of today, anyway. I guess Nate and those guys don’t want people embarrassing the company over the Myspaces or whatever.”

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FALL FORWARD TOUR #1 RESULTS!

Hey, look, we ran another show. And we gave it a fancy tour-based name, forcing us to actually run more than one. Good times. Except if you saw the show, the times were quite bad for a few of our wrestlers. Very, very bad. But it should be okay for you guys, so go watch the show, then come back here and learn what you thought of it.

Continue reading FALL FORWARD TOUR #1 RESULTS! →

TSLL SUPER LUCHA ESPECTACULAR REPORT!

So after much ado, the bug TSLL debut show finally happened, meaning there are now three semi-functional wrestling promotions (four if you count GHW) in the Tri-State Area. It’s like there’s some wrestling boom going on that STRUGGLE will never see the benefit if. Oh well. Anyway, they asked me if I’d put some sort if report here, and I said yes, so here you go. Gonna try to keep it brief, because I’ve got the Fall Forward #1 report to do, plus some of the lights in the arena are acting up, so I gotta get the crew to tear down the ring, plus I gotta rent a goddamn scissor lift now. It never ends. Anyway, watch the show, or perhaps read about it below.

Continue reading TSLL SUPER LUCHA ESPECTACULAR REPORT! →

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA! Missed Connections

(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo Training Complex, where in addition to the theoretical stars of tomorrow literally learning the ropes, the stars of today (but mostly yesterday) make use of the facilities throughout the day to stay sharp between shows. It’s open 24 hours a day, not so much by design as because Ol’ Ross Gracie always forgets to lock the place up when he leaves. At an ungodly early hour, two wrestlers have the place all to themselves: Disgraced-and-then-somewhat-re-graced former world’s champion ACE LA GRANGE and his unwitting protege, the size-impaired ZIPPITY DUDA, who is seemingly being forced to run back and forth between the ropes until he dies.)

ACE: C’mon, Zip! You’re draggin’ ass out there, brother!

ZIP: (breathing extremely hard) Because I’ve been doing this forever! And you stopped ten minutes ago!

ACE: Seniority, brother! I set my own pace.

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THE DAILY STRUGGLE #11

(NOTE: This used to be called The STRUGGLE Session, but we realized that was too good a name and will be using it for house shows going forward)

First of all, the biggest story as of late was Tupac Machine’s somewhat turbulent run in Warrior Pro’s G2 Tournament. After a hot (yet controversial) start, scoring wins over La Guerra De Sangre’s Super Mohan and Red Masterson, it ended disappointingly with to two straight losses to Trey Taylor and Jack Gold, thanks in no small part to intervention by President Evil and his Administration. Somehow, this also lead to an interpromotional war between STRUGGLE and La Guerrra, which also ended disappointingly, as a La Guerra vs. B.A.R.S./Evil Administration match ended in a time limit draw.

And in truly inexplicable Evil fashion, rather than participating in the post-show press conference like a normal person, he came back home, waited several weeks, and then clogged up a back hallways at The Vito giving a foul-mouthed and, quite frankly, barely-coherent press conference. Basically, it was a lengthy exercise in his pathological need to screw with people, and this time around, (and thankfully for the rest of us here) he seems to have aimed his personal Chaos Cannon toward the west coast. The following is a partial transcript:

Continue reading THE DAILY STRUGGLE #11 →

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: Backstage Politics!

(THE SCENE: STRUGGLE Pro Acting President NATE RUGGLE‘s office in the old Blockbuster next to the arena, where we join a heated argument in progress. NATE and UNCLE ABDUL are trying to diffuse the situation, as STORMY KNIGHT voices her disapproval with the general state of things.)

NATE: …Look, just calm down, and-

STORMY: Calm down!? You can’t be serious! I have been here since you relaunched this promotion, and I have beaten everyone you’ve put in front of me! How can I NOT be the number one contender!?

ABDUL: You haven’t beaten everyone. Hell, last time you and Jezebel crossed paths, she pinned you.

STORMY: And this was when she came in fresh, after I took out her little buddies, Wish Dot Com Yumiko and The Great Communicator. One on one, I beat her every time.

ABDUL: …Except that time y’all went to a draw.

STORMY: Because she ran from me for thirty minutes!

ABDUL: Debatable.

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RESTLEWRANKINGS! FOR JULY!

HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION

  1. PRESIDENT EVIL
  2. Skip Legday
  3. Big Bird Machine
  4. The Korn Demon
  5. Black Panther Mask
  6. Ace La Grange
  7. Screaming Rage Man
  8. Hapsburg Raytheon VI
  9. El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine
  10. Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble

Look, I hate the Prez. We all do. Maybe some of you don’t, but you’re wrong. But at this point, we all have to admit that for the time being, it’s his world, and we just live in it. So he’s pretty much the uncrowned World’s Champion for now. The Korn Demon’s rank may be a little low, seeing as how he’s actually the EWX champion right now. HR6 looked unbeatable for a while, but is seemingly dropping like a rock after pretty much getting embarrassed twice by Black Panther Mask. Hopefully, if and when we get the money situation sorted, we can get an actual belt, even if it will probably end up around the waist of a huge asshole.

WOMEN’S DIVISION

  1. Becky With the Evil Hair
  2. PARTY TIGER
  3. Jezebel Grim
  4. Yumiko La Grange
  5. Stormy Knight
  6. Lorelei Grim
  7. Soccer Ninja
  8. Zelda Lucabrasi
  9. Pam from Human Resources
  10. Virginia Slams

Becky is now a two-time champ, even if the second reign comes with a HUGE asterisk. TIGER remains a top contender, but her ranking may be deceiving, with her title rematch exhausted and the rumors about her legendary substance abuse taking a turn for the even worse as of late. Jezebel is the actual top contender right now, and Soccer Ninja looks like a potential superstar, and is moving up like a damn rocket lately.

CRUISERWEIGHT DIVISION

  1. Agent Fang
  2. Immortan Jimmy
  3. Uno Muerte
  4. Tupac Machine
  5. Captain STRUGGLE
  6. Froggy Terry
  7. Jackson Victory
  8. Cobra Nightraven
  9. Zippity Duda
  10. Radical Jeremy

There is no God, and if there is one, He isn’t on our side, as evidenced by The Evil Administration controlling both the current active singles titles. Jimmy theoretically has a rematch, but seems to have disappeared lately, while Uno Muerte remains solidly put as The Main Dude We Thought Would’ve Been Champ by Now.

TAG TEAM DIVISION

  1. The Grim Reapers
  2. Executive Solutions
  3. The Coke Brothers
  4. The 46 Defenders
  5. Team Twizzy
  6. BIG BOI SEASON
  7. Bad Religion
  8. Annihilation
  9. Them Mook Boys
  10. The Turd Boyz

The tag titles remain firmly lodged somewhere under a motorcycle seat out on the west coast, but with a title defense set for that big TSLL debut show… someday, that could change… someday. Then again, the Execs seem like huge assholes, so maybe the belts are better off elsewhere? Anyway, the Cokes haven’t been seen since the title loss, which is crazy, seeing as how it went down as an all-time great match, and they had less than normal to be ashamed of. The 46 Defenders have been quietly movin’ on up lately, Bad Religion seems to have fallen on hard times, and the looming specter of Annihilation has to concern pretty much everyone at this point. Also, there’s a pretty mean tag team with that name, too.