MATCH #1: Velveeta Dream defeated Soccer Ninja in 16:18 with the Liquid Gold Lock

Nerd Rating: 80% ⭐⭐⭐

This was Soccer Ninja’s main roster debut, as well as Dream’s debut, period. Ninja’s been kind if a killer in limited action so far, but obviously Dream didn’t notice, because she was cocky as hell in this one, en route to the submission victory. Still don’t understand how she’s not like 450 pounds though, given her diet.

MATCH #2: Hogarth the Unyielding defeated Big Dick Fuchs in 18:35 with an avalanche power slam

Nerd Rating: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐

HOSS FIGHT! This is real wrestling, the way it was when I was little, and it brings a tear to the eye. Just two big, sweaty men, slappin’ meat. Hogarth finished this in pretty brutal fashion with a top-rope slam, and I literally don’t think Fuchs has won a match yet, even if he was impressive here.

MATCH #3: Trondheim Troy defeated Zippity Duda in 6:13 with Nocturno Stompo

Nerd Rating: 66% ⭐ 1/2⭐

Wow. Heading into the Super C Cup tournament, Zippity was undefeated, and it’s looking more and more like a fluke lately. This was an ass-whipping. Just a brutal, one-sided, scar-you-for-life squash. Speaking of which, after the match, Troy just whipped out a fork and started stabbing him in the head. It was fucked up, but so is Troy.

MATCH #4: Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble defeated Parking Lot Duval in 26:25 with Casting Out the Demons

Nerd Rating: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐

Of the three regular refs we use,, Brown Shoes is the youngest and least experienced, and it really showed here. She lost control of this one completely, and Humble almost definitely won as a result, escaping a pin and Duval’s Backseat Nap finisher with the Ministry providing distraction. Then again, Gus is like three-quarters blind and Referoth is a nihilist, so who’s to say it would’ve been any different otherwise. Misfortune continues to pile up for poor, cursed Duval.

MATCH #5: Toxic Walt and Kazushi Maeda fought to a 30 minute time limit draw

Nerd Rating: 80% ⭐⭐⭐

This was one no one saw coming. Walt is a bad man, obviously, but Kaz is a fuckin’ human buzzsaw, even in his fifties. This is a man who’s held at least three different companies’ versions of the world title that I can think of, beating people like Mitsuhide Hikawa, Buffalo Amamoto, and President Evil (Olive Japan in 2014, kids. Look it up) in the process. So I’m gonna say once again that Walt needs to drop the hardcore nonsense and go legit, because he can clearly hang with actual top wrestlers. Just needs to fully commit.

MATCH #6: Pitbull Van Scorpio and Agent 35 fought to a 30 minute time limit draw in a streetfight

Nerd Rating: 64% ⭐

This match killed my faith in humanity, or at least it would have if I still had any. Just two maniacs turning the arena into a river of blood, and rarely actually trying to win in the process. Gonna guess this doesn’t get either guy a title shot in the next “open challenge.” Fuckin’ Unity. The Ratings Nerds hated this match, and I’m guessing it just kinda broke their spirits.

MATCH #7: Yumiko La Grange defeated The Phantom Rocker in 6:44 with a cross kneebreaker

Nerd Rating: 78% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐

God damn. The Rocker came ready to fight, and was just zipping all over the place, and it didn’t matter. When she’s on top of her game, that’s just kind of how it goes with Yumiko La Grange, though. You can throw everything at her, even literally picking shit up and throwing it, and it just doesn’t matter. A funny part was how Rocker’s whole thing is being a high-flyer, but Yumiko was the one doing all the damn moonsaults, like she was just kind of rubbing her nose in the inevitable.

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!

(THE PHANTOM ROCKER limps backstage, where a still fully glammed-up-against-her-will DONITA ZAPATA is waiting.)

DONITA:  Hahaha, holy shit, you just got stomped out there!

ROCKER: (frowns) Stop it.

DONITA: She just fuckin’ grabbed you, and you were all ‘nooooo, my knee, I give uuupppp because I’m suuuch a puuussyyyy, waaaahhh!’

ROCKER: Shut up!

DONITA: Hahaha, oh man, and she just kneed you in the face so many times, and you couldn’t do shit about it, hahahahaha, it was great!

ROCKER: You know, according to the terms of the match contract, you have to keep dressing like that until I say you can stop.

DONITA: Well, what does that say about you if this a punishment, then? These are your fuckin’ clothes.

ROCKER: Yeah, well, when you wear them, you just look like a dipshit. I make this look good. Everybody knows I was always the hot one.

DONITA: Pfft. Bullshit. See this? (pointing at her head) It’s naturally blonde. This shit has powers your mouse-brown ass will never understand.

ROCKER: Oh, whatever.

(YUMIKO LA GRANGE walks by with her entrance robe folded under her arm, then stops and turns back toward the two)

YUMIKO: For the record? You both look like fucking idiots. You are welcome.

(YUMIKO walks off, and ROCKER and DONITA just kind of sheepishly look at the ground for a second.)

DONITA: Told ya so.

ROCKER: God damn it.

MATCH #8: Hapsburg Raytheon VI defeated Manchoma the Randy Savage in 21:46 with the Leveraged Takeover

Nerd Rating: 84% ⭐⭐⭐

It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you, gentle STRUGGLE fan, that HR6 actually is good at this, and we might not get to see him stomped into dust any time soon. It breaks the heart, it really does. It’s a tough loss for Manchoma to be sure, but I’m sure he’ll find some small consolation in the arms of at least half of y’all’s wives. Oh don’t look at me like that, the man is a fuckin’ hound.