For once, the news isn’t completely horrible, as we’re kicking off the new year by actually doing a show, roughly halfway through the month. 2021 was one for the record books, for lack of a better phrase, but now it’s time for:
Well, I’m gonna level with you people: While we are not legally allowed to disclose details of the settlement, the dipshit who drunkenly busted his ass on the ice at WAR PARTY 2021 really did a number on our finances. Furthermore, the search for a new source of funding has had… mixed results, so it’s time for desperately flailing in the dark for ways to keep the doors open. And folks, this one probably hurts worse than Black Wednesday did, because not only are we having to thin the roster once more, but we’re also having to give up a pretty huge chunk of STRUGGLE history.
Continue reading STRUGGLE SESSION #10 – MORE UPHEAVALLook, these are trying times, and sacrifices have had to be made. I don’t really feel like doing a big, fancy intro, so let’s get right to the bloodshed.
Continue reading STRUGGLE SESSION #9 – IT’S BLACK WEDNESDAYThe time has come for us to hit the road and head to the Ciro Terranova Memorial County Fairgrounds for our first real attempt at a major event since the company’s relaunch, WAR PARTY 2021. We did a few of these back in the day, and the results were usually pretty fun, so we have high hopes for this one. Famous last words, probably. anyway, in addition to a few yet-to-be-determined dark matches, here’s the card:
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy (c) vs. Rodimus Primo – Primo won the Super C-Cup tournament to be modern STRUGGLE’s first cruiserweight champ, but lost it to Jimmy almost immediately. Since then, he’s scratched and clawed his way back to contendership, and you can assume he’ll be pulling out all the stops to try and shake off the “fluke” label on his prior championship reign. I don’t think Jimmy really cares either way, as he probably never fully regained his higher brain functions after the coma.
WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: PARTY TIGER (c) vs. Becky (With the Awful Hair) – PARTY TIGER became the initial champion in the YASS KWEENDOM 2020 tournament, and she hasn’t looked back since. Hell, her and Ross coke were even tag title contenders for a minute in that span. As for Becky, she’s another one out to prove herself, as she was expected to be one of the faces of the division after the company relaunched, then quickly fell behind people like TIGER, YLG, and various members of the Grim family. A win here could finally get her established as a star.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Team Twizzy (c) vs. The Coke Brothers – This one might have some extra dimensions added to it, as the Cokes are flying out west in a couple weeks to fight The Grim Reapers for the Warrior Pro tag titles. So this means that this could be a champs vs. champs situation (no word on whether or not it would be a title vs. title match just yet, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there) or it could lead to the Cokes losing title matches in consecutive weeks, leading to a final and ultimate humiliation that they’ll probably shrug off within a couple of hours.
NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP LANDMINE DEATHMATCH: Screaming Rage Man (c) vs. The Korn Demon – Whatever bits of faith in humanity inside me that may have been barely hanging on should finally be gone after this one. The Demon is on a mission to regain a title that he feels he never truly lost, (in case you forgot, Tony Unity won it via ref stoppage, after Demon’s appendix exploded) and Rage Man is basically like hell walking on earth. This should be fun~!
WAR PARTY MATCH: Team Skip (Skip Legday, Captain STRUGGLE, Skull Mayday, & Comrade DIRECT ACTION) vs. Team Freedom (Garfield Vanzetti, Buford Randall, Mad Dog Wociejchowski, & Wilhelm Kruger) – The logistics of this match are going to be hell to get together, as Skip’s team might not even be able to get four people to show up. Wait, what? No, I’m saying that Skip has Warrior Pro commitments and could miss a flight or something. Why do you people keep saying that the Outside Agitators are Skip and the Captain. totally different guys, honest. Also, an added stipulation is that if Team Skip wins, Vanzetti will drop his restraining order, allowing them to work full time again.
WAR PARTY MATCH: Team Stormy (Stormy Knight, Virginia Slams, Velveeta Dream, & Agent Bulldog) vs. Jezebel-Gun (Jezebel Grim, Toshiyo Nakano, Crawdad Hoshino, & Yumiko La Grange) – Stormy is on a semi-righteous crusade to turn the future of STRUGGLE Pro over to the young and unconnected, while Jezebel-Gun (that’s what she’s calling the team) is mostly just pissed that she broke Nakano’s arm and has generally been a huge dickhead lately. And by “lately,” I mean since at least five years before she even became a wrestler. Interesting thing here, as Team Stormy actually includes a member of The Evil Administration, but there isn’t expected to be any interference, partially because Brown Shoes is going to be watching the ramp like a hawk, and also, because you can’t have nine people on the screen at the same time.
WAR PARTY MATCH: Team Machine (Big Bird Machine, El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine, Rampage Hunter, & Ace La Grange) vs. The Evil Administration (President Evil, Agent Fang, Agent 35, & Tyrannosaurus Plex) – Some wild surprise entrants here, as Tyrannosaurus Plex turned to the dark side and threw in with the forces of evil, and Bird responded by bringing in Warrior Pro’s resident belt collector, Rampage Hunter, in response. This is made more interesting by the fact that neither guy seems to be a big fan of their team captain, with Rampage taking the match mainly to get a rematch with BBM, and T-Plex seemingly having been manipulated into this position by his manager, Manny Diaz. (Who has also generally been a big truth-and-justice guy, which makes this all so much more confusing) Also, this match has what could potentially be the first-ever one-on-one in-ring confrontation between President Evil and Big Bird Machine. Seriously, in all these years since their feud began, there has never been a singles match. Of course, then again, one team could blow the other out and they could end up never touching each other. But please don’t let this possibility affect whether or not you buy a ticket. Please. Oh God.
(THE SCENE: STRUGGLE acting president NATE RUGGLE is in his office at the old Blockbuster shuffling papers, signing checks, and doing assorted managerial-type tasks. All of a sudden, ring announcer, backstage interview guy, and gofer MURRAY STADANKOWICZ pops his head through the door.)
MURRAY: Hey! Hey Nate! What are you doing right now?
NATE: Oh, you know, assorted managerial-type tasks. Getting everything in order for the big show coming up.
MURRAY: Oh boy! That’s great!
NATE: I, uhhh… Actually, yeah. I’m honestly kind of shocked that nothing has gone insanely, horribly wrong up to this point. I never thought I’d say this, but I actually have a really good feeling about this.
MURRAY: That’s great! but hey, you should come out here. Pam made cookies!
NATE: Ooh. Another pleasant surprise. Give me a second.
(NATE shuffles some papers from one side of the desk to the other, then gets up and leaves the office. After he leaves, the FM radio on his desk plays the final notes of “tom Sawyer” by Rush and then goes straight into a weather bulletin.)
VOICE ON THE RADIO: We’ve got an important update from the KRCK weather desk, as local scientists believe that El Pendejo is headed for the Tri-State Area. This mysterious weather pattern has long been associated with extreme and unpredictable conditions, most famously leading to The Great Drought, Fire, Blizzard, Flood, Famine, and Pestilence of 1998. Residents are advised to keep a close eye on local weather reports and prepare for pretty much anything. Anyway, here’s “Wonderwall.”
Rodimus Primo vs. Tupac Machine
This is Primo’s first match since losing the title to Immortan Jimmy and Tupac’s first since tapping out to Zippity Duda at a house show. Needless to say, both guys are desperate for a win, and this should be good.
Humble Ministries vs. The 46 Defenders
Due to the screwed up nature of the tag tournament, there are a lot of teams with strong claims to being number one contender, such as these two. The Defenders got eliminated via a time limit draw and a double-countout and the Ministry came within two battle royal eliminations of not only getting into the tournament, but bypassing the first round. Also, HOSSSSS FIIIIGHT.
Stormy Knight vs. Jezebel Grim
Stormy has embarked on some sort of crusade against all of STRUGGLE’s 40 year olds and wrestlers who broke in via familial ties, and Jezebel (a third-generation wrestler, for the record) is just pissed that Stormy broke her tag team partner’s arm.
Skull Mayday vs. Garfield Vanzetti
Vanzetti still has this strange and nonsensical notion that Skull Mayday is actually Skip Legday in a clever disguise. He demanded this match, which doesn’t seem very wise on his part, as there’s a decent chance that not-Skip tears his arms off and beats him with them. But then again, no one ever accused Garfield of being a mental giant.
CRUISERWEIGHY CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy (c) vs. Jackson Victory
Jimmy has looked Ike an unstoppable juggernaut as of late, but Jackson has looked impressive as hell in recent house shows. Only time will tell whether apparent immortality and all the advantages that come with it can overcome the raw power of The Jacksons’ classic 1986 album.
Big Bird Machine vs. Agent 35
Bird’s back after suffering a brutal attack at the hands of the Evil Administration following his appearance at Warrior Pro’s Warriorversary II show. And while the seemingly eternal rivalry between him and his former protégé President Evil is the marquee matchup, 35 was particularly brutal in the aforementioned incident, and he ends up first on the revenge tour. This could get ugly.
WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: PARTY TIGER (c) vs. Pam From Human Resources
So last time around, TIGER and Pam were tag partners against a desperate former champion and her English-challenged partner. In that match, Pam absorbed a pretty savage beating from Yumiko La Grange that freed TIGER up to get the pin on Crawdad Hoshino. And TIGER hasn’t forgotten that, so she granted Pam a title shot in gratitude, which could end up filed under “things that backfired horribly” once this is over.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: BIG BOI SEASON (c) vs. Team Twizzy
Hey, speaking of screwy finishes from the tag tournament, here’s a rematch of the final. And this time around, there will be no time limits and no count outs, so whoever wins will get to erase the asterisk from the list of champions. It’s the power of darkness vs. the power of dark meat chicken.
NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP OPEN CHALLENGE BARBED WIRE MATCH: Tony Unity (c) vs. ???
So for some reason, Tony Unity has decided that this match isn’t actually going to take place alongside the rest of the show, and will instead emanate from the EWX/Unity United Records Wrestlebasement, and be broadcast to the Twitch stream via satellite. Of course “via satellite” is a dubious claim, and I doubt EXW has sent up any goddamn rockets lately, but I guess “via Wi-Fi” doesn’t sound as cool. But something about this whole situation stinks, and considering how the last few “open challenges’ have gone, I think that little bastard is up to something.
HOSS DOJO FACILITY COMPLETE
The fourth stop on the COOL ZONE tour will actually be something tour-like, as it will take place at the brand new Hoss Dojo facility. The building is located just off the highway between the old Walmart and Grim Holler. Old Ross Gracie is really proud of the new building, which features such state-of-the-art amenities as an exercise bike, indoor plumbing, a dirt floor, and a vintage poster of Emmitt Smith for inspiration to the trainees.
WAR PARTY 2021 ANNOUNCED
One of the more popular events from the old days returns, as WAR PARTY 2021 has officially been scheduled as the big blow-off to the current tour. If you weren’t around before the bankruptcy, it’s a show built around teams of four (or more, but we’re easing back into it with four this time) wrestlers apiece competing in sort of an elimination gauntlet match style thing, like some sort of series of matches that they have to survive. A series of survival, if you will. Anyway, it’s roughly 100% likely that the main even will involve Big Bird Machine and The Evil Administration somehow, but we’ll see when we get there. Also, as is customary for a super-show of this caliber, all titles will be defended.
(THE SCENE: VELVEETA DREAM and VIRGINIA SLAMS are joined in progress, having been inserted into a virtual news studio via chroma key, an effect that had to have taken tens of dollars to pull off.)
VELVEETA DREAM: …and due to the lingering radiation, the mayor estimates a potential death toll in the thousands.
VIRGINIA SLAMS: (says something completely unintelligible, due to the toll an almost psychotic smoking habit has taken on her vocal cords, but is apparently amusing somehow)
DREAM: That sounds like a sticky situation if you ask me, Virginia!
(They both enjoy a hearty laugh, with VIRGINIA sounding like some kind of horror monster in the process)
DREAM: And now let’s go to Stormy Knight with the weekend forecast!
STORMY KNIGHT: Thanks, Dream! Taking a look at the Tri-State Area weather map, it looks like pretty bleak weather is headed our way once more. Out behind the 7-11 where PARTY TIGER just woke up, it’s going to be a wet one, as she just pissed her pants again! If we took a look down here at the La Grange residence, it looks like old Yumiko – and I do mean old – is going to be psychotic with a 100% chance of clinical depression! Now, if we check out the STRUGGLE News Storm Tracker, I’ve got some pretty bad news for the residents of Grim Holler. Looks like a 50% chance of Asperger’s for Junior, and Lorelei remains fat with a chance of inbreeding. And as for Jezebel? It looks like there’s a storm coming.
(her whole tone changes from perky weather girl to one of utter malevolence)
STORMY: This area of low pressure is an indicator that I’m going to beat your ass easily, so remember to take shelter immediately, possibly by not even bothering to show up. Remember, this is potentially a very dangerous storm, with the chance for extreme property damage. This may include uprooted trees, overturned vehicles, and severe structural damage, including broken arms.
(she switches back into meteorologist mode)
STORMY: So have a great weekend! And I’ll see you soon.
1. Yumiko La Grange & Crawdad Hoshino vs. PARTY TIGER (STRUGGLE Women’s Champion) & Pam From Human Resources
This was kind of a last-minute addition where someone who hates being in tag matches and opening the show demanded to open the show in a tag match, because it represented the easiest way to jump the line and become number one contender. No way that’ll backfire hilariously.
2. Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble vs. Hogarth the Unyielding
Can the power of Mount Olympus propel the big man past Humble and the thousand people he’ll more than likely have at ringside? Probably not.
3. Donita Zapata vs. Becky (With the Awful Hair)
A battle of truly awful hairstyles, and yet only one of the two looks like that involuntarily.
4. The Outside Agitators (Mayday & DIRECT ACTION) vs. The True Sons of Liberty (Vanzetti & Randall)
Skull Mayday and Comrade DIRECT ACTION finally get a confrontation with Garfield Vanzetti after he effectively got Skip Legday and Captain STRUGGLE effectively barred from the building. Not that this is relevant to them in any way, folks.
5. NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP OPEN CHALLENGE – Tony Unity (champ) vs. ???
Not saying that I doubt the validity of this “open challenge” thing, but after Unity’s own employee took him to the limit at the last show, ten bucks says the challenge he accepts is from someone way less psychotic than Uncle Smelly.
6. Ace La Grange & El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine vs. President Evil & Agent 35
No countouts, no disqualifications, no way this doesn’t end with the ring painted a ghstly shade of red. Ace and El Hijo were stupid accept this match and even stupider to request it. There, I said it.
7. CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP – Immortan Jimmy (champ) vs. Froggy Terry
You can say a lot of things about Jimmy, mostly involving the phrase “crazy idiot,” but you can’t say he isn’t a fighting champion. As for Terry, he’s also a crazy idiot, so what can you do.
8. FINAL ATTEMPT EVER – Ross Coke vs. Crash Ferrari
It feels like people forgot that Crash broke Ricky Coke’s neck and Ross swore revenge like a whole damn year ago, mainly because Ross has been too out of it to actually show up when we’ve tried to have this match. But here were are once again, and Ross demanded the match with the stipulation that if he no-shows, it’s getting marked down as a forfeit loss with no rematches ever and no chance of revenge. And yes, we’ve lined up a replacement opponent for Crash, in case of nigh-inevitability.
news, rumors, and promos after the jumpCOOL ZONE #2 CARD (Subject to Change):
1. Lorelei & Junior Grim vs. Jezebel Grim & Toshiyo Nakano – The winner of this match takes the spot formerly occupied by Lorelei & Jezebel in the Wild Card Challenge battle royals, (battles royal?) plus they win a five dollar bet. As of right now, we don’t know if that means ten dollars total, or if it’s precisely five dollars, for a total of $2.50 each. Due to the two Wild Card matches happening on this show, the winner also wrestles twice in one night. Which seems kind of dumb, seeing as how entry was open to literally anyone, and both teams could have been in, but what do I know?
2. Tyrannosaurus Plex (with Manny Diaz) vs. Dick Smales – No wrestling show is complete without a match where a dumpy, old, bald man gets hurled into the sky repeatedly by a giant dinosaur man, while a middle-aged former world champion in US flag Zubaz shouts slogans at them both.
3. WILD CARD CHALLENGE BATTLE ROYAL #1 – The winner gets their team in the tag title tournament as the #8 seed, or gets the #1 seed and a first-round bye if their partner wins the second battle royal. Wrestlers can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, or being tossed from the ring, because these matches tend to suck, and we’d like to end this as fast as possible. Current competitors, subject to change, but probably not:
Important to note here is that The True Sons of Liberty, (Garfield Vanzetti & Buford Randall) Team No Impulse Control, (CANNONBALLS! and Immortan Jimmy) and the theoretical Grim/Nakano team are all newly-formed teams that have never had a match together before this show. Also, counting the Wild Card Challenge teams, the tag tournament features four co-ed teams (including the Secret Evil Service Elite, who are already in the main bracket) and one all-female team, and there have never been anything but all-male champions before now. So either this tournament will be a triumph of human progress or a crushing reaffirmation of the patriarchy. Wrestling!
4. Zelda Lucabrasi vs. Taco Belle – The breakout star of the YASS KWEENDOM 2020 tournament takes on the high-flying nacho enthusiast. This could have serious implications over who PARTY TIGER‘s next challenger might be. Zelda is hoping for a title match rematch, while Belle, you know, sometimes you just gotta make a match and see what happens, like everyone was in that tournament and all but one is coming off a loss, and well, shit. We didn’t think this thing through. Should be at least decent though.
5. Froggy Terry vs. Radical Jeremy – RANDOM MATCH hell yeeeaahhh, old schoooool! I think we need to do more barely-planned house shows, so we can flesh out the ranking a little more. Until then? Stuff like this.
6. Marioluigi Lucabrasi vs. Tucker Schertz – Same as above? Man, we gotta give heavyweights something to fight over eventually. Or maybe get Marioluigi to sit in a sauna for a while, so he can fight cruiserweights.
7. WILD CARD CHALLENGE BATTLE ROYAL #2 – See above. Winner gets the #7 seed, or possibly #1.
Kinda looks like most of these teams opted to put the stronger halves of the team in this one. Personally, I’d try not to have a weak link, but again, what do I know?
7. Reverend Freakout vs. Big Baby Lucifer – BBL is really trying to make a case for himself as a top guy lately, and Freakout has always been a deceptively tough dude, at least when he sticks to one plane of existence.
9. NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP STREET FIGHT – Tony Unity (champion) makes an OPEN CHALLENGE – So apparently, no one will know who the challenger is until after the show starts, meaning we can’t do any sort of expert analysis or update the stupid poster art. I’m hoping for the funniest possible outcome, where the challenger ends up being some loser schmuck, and Unity finds a way to still lose somehow.
10. CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy vs. Rodimus Primo (champion) – Jimmy won the right to a one-on-one do-over of the tournament’s three-way final, and this should be kind of wild. Then again, anything involving Jimmy ends up ridiculous, like he probably breaks three windows while making toast. It’s Legend vs. Young Upstart here, but I wouldn’t count Primo out if leaving this one with his reign intact. If you ask me, that kid’s got something special. He’s got the touch.
NOTE: Jimmy wrestles earlier in one of the Battles Royal, so in case something untoward happens to him, we will make a substitution for this match. Then again, he is Immortal and in possession of a level of dumbassery that only immortality can grant a person, so he’ll more than likely just wrestle injured.
Well, the good news is that an actual STRUGGLE Pro show is imminent. The bad news is that thanks to the recent parking lot-based maelstrom of violence, we’ve had to completely rework the card and delay the tag title tournament’s opening stages until next time. So here’s what we’ve got lined up, with the ever-present “card subject to change” asterisk:
STRUGGLE Pro SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #5 is happening soonish, maybe, and the final stop of the non-tour will be a big one, with two (2) new champions crowned, or maybe even three, who knows. Tentative card is as follows:
Yumiko Nakano vs. Junior Grim – Nakano makes her North American debut versus the normal-sized Grim Sister who wears actual wrestling gear and thus shames her family (not really, they love and respect her a great deal).
Team Twizzy vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – The rockin’ party dudes of the 1980s face their dark, twisted 2020s equivalent.
“The New and Improved” Donita Zapata vs. Pam From Human Resources – The unofficial Donita Humiliation Tour begins with the title tournament match that never happened.
El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine vs. Parking Lot Duval – The son of the Tri-State Area’s greatest legend takes on a man of legendary misfortune.
No Police Involvement Championship – The KoЯn Demon (champ) vs. Buff Orpington (falls count anywhere) – The resident hoss of the Fighting Cocks tag team seeks singles gold versus the one guy who didn’t disavow nu-metal by like 2005 or whenever.
YASS KWEENDOM 2020 FINAL Women’s Title match – Zelda Lucabrasi vs. PARTY TIGER – The first STRUGGLE Tri-State World Women’s Champion of the new era will be crowned, where the ultimate underdog takes on some sort of human-sized, inebriated cat.
SUPER C-CUP 2020 FINAL Cruiserweight Title Match – Uno Muerte vs. Rodimus Primo – The STRUGGLE Tri-State World Cruiserweight Championship will be decided between a man with a crippling fear of death and a dude apparently obsessed with a cartoon from before he was born.
MORE AFTER THE JUMP
This was a thing we used to do back when we still had TV, where we’d hype up the next show by getting the talent to stand in front of a big STRUGGLE logo backdrop thing (or a brick wall with an inexplicably-placed chain link fence in front of it, or just going to their home unannounced) and talk shit about each other. It did good business and looked good on TV, so when someone found the backdrop out back, (and cleaned the bird shit off of it) we decided to make a new edition of the the STRUGGLE Session for the upcoming SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #4 show. Of course, as always, the camera that got used was the one that Buddy From the Ring Crew had put a big Post-It note on saying “BROKEN – DO NOT USE,” and since everyone here is an idiot, the footage ended up being a bunch of purple blobs. So as always, there’s nothing but a transcript we managed to put together. Anyway, I know the average wrestling fan can’t read, but maybe someone will get something out of what we salvaged – Abdul
Continue reading THE STRUGGLE SESSION! #1
