Look, things are weird here, the damn shit pipes are clogged and/or cursed, I got a plumber telling me he won’t fix it because the building’s not up to code, and I’m staring down the barrel of having to wade through raw sewage to fix this mess myself. So this house show report is late, and I had to type it up on my phone, so it’s probably a lot sloppier than usual, plus whatever autocorrect turns half my words into. Also, the formatting might be off, because WordPress is weird on a phone, and I know formatting is what you’re all here for, so I’m sorry. I can’t embed video from here, and I might fix that when I get home, but until then, here’s a link to the video, plus a second link to the rest of the show that got cut off by my shitty internet. That’ll be gone in a week or so as always, so hurry. Then, read about it below.

MATCH #1: Big Dick Fuchs defeated Big Baby Lucifer in 15:48 with the Gotch Piledriver

Nerd Rating: 76% ** 1/2*

I’ll be damned. The last time we saw these guys, Fuchs was getting whipped like a sack of shit and Lucifer was shrugging off a broken arm with the aid of the Dark Lord to beat an unkillable lizard-monster. This time around, Big Dick just whipped the hell out of Big Baby, who was back to clutching his arm and crying (he is a big baby, after all) once he got to the back. Has Satan forsaken Big Baby Lucifer?

MATCH #2: The Evil Administration defeated Reverse Racism in 14:37 when Agent Bulldog hit a Tiger Suplex on The Inscrutable JEFF

Nerd Rating: 87% *** 1/2*

I’m not sure what the hell happened at one point in this one. JEFF set himself up beautifully, with all the style in the world, spitting the DEADLY GREEN MIST skyward and going for his big cartwheel plancha thing, only to completely eat shit, missing by a good three feet, and Bulldog never even moved. I’m no fan of the Evil Agents as people, but it was pretty hilarious.

MATCH #3: Peppy Wright defeated Ace La Grange in 19:35 with the Roman Salute

Nerd Rating: 100% *****

SON OF A BITCH. I was really hoping that getting emasculated by Jezebel Grim a week or so ago would finally make that little turd quit the business and go back to making YouTube videos about why Paw Patrol supports Cultural Marxism of whatever. Instead, he’s still here, and he’s fucking up Ace’s goddamn redemption story. And I’m not sure about that 100% rating either, I think the Tri-State Nerd Council has been taken over by the “get girls out of Star Wars” crowd.

MATCH #4: Yumiko La Grange defeated PARTY TIGER in 13:56 with the Thunder Firebomb

Nerd Rating: 91%

Losing matches pisses Yumiko off, so she demanded a rematch. Actually, everything pisses her off lately, but sadly, there are no rematches with life, so beating up on the inebriated tiger girl will have to suffice. Of course, as soon as she got to the back, Ace hit her up for help with rent money, and she got an angry phonecall from her neighbor about Alan Jr. taking a dump in his bushes or some other insane bullshit. That woman will never have peace in her life.

MATCH #5: Froggy Terry defeated Lil’ Xeljanz in 13:46 with a German Suplex

Rating: 83% ***

Xeljanz just doesn’t have the same magic when Winthorp isn’t behind him, apparently. The big guy should be back from his unfortunate digestive ailments in a week or so, though, and I’d have to imagine he’s going to be coming for the Masked Turds or the Turd Experience or the Turd Raiders or whatever the hell those two are calling themselves lately. Terry bounces back nicely from getting molly-whopped in the No Police Involvement title tournament, setting him up for contention in a theoretical cruiserweight tourney.

MATCH #6: Pam From Human Resources DREW Donita Zapata in 30:00

Nerd Rating: 81% ***

Well, this was a clusterfuck right here. As usual, the Phantom Rocker ran out to screw with Donita for dropping her on her head a while back. But even before the ref could chase her off, Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti showed up and started trying to beat on Pam. I say “trying,” because Pam and Donita just started punching each other’s faces and just kind of ignored her until she got pissed and left. I would say “oh, who could ever have a problem with Pam, she’s nice and everyone likes her,” (no shit, I once saw Screaming Rage Man hold a door open for her, that shit is near-universal) but it’s fuckin’ Patience. She probably got pissed that someone parked in the handicapped spot she usually parks in or knocked her coffee over or some such, and since Pam’s pretty much the entire H.R. department, it’s always falling onto her to fix whatever the latest petty bullshit is. That woman is a goddamn saint for not just back-handing the living shit out of her on a daily basis, if you ask me. Sad part is Pam and Donita were having a helluva match before things got extracurricular.

MATCH #7: Crash Ferrari defeated Toxic Walt in 16:42 with the Ferrari Crash

Nerd Rating: 93% ****

Honestly, I was kinda shocked that Ross Coke never showed up during this one. Hell, he didn’t show up at the building, period. Hell, even PARTY TIGER didn’t know where he was, which was fucked, because he’s her designated driver. Between Crash being such an asshole and Ross being such a blow-addled numbnuts, I’m starting to work if the assumption that the Ross/Crash final revenge match is never going to happen. Oh yeah, there was a match and it was good. Whatever.

MATCH #8: Skip Legday defeated Nasty Dick Bacteria in 18:20 with a press powerslam

Nerd Rating: 75% ** 1/2*

I get Nasty Dick wanting to be a two-division star, but I get the feeling that it’s a big waste of physical resources when he’s become the odds-on favorite to win the hardcore tournament, and I just don’t see him getting as far as a regular heavyweight. Think about it: You got the two traditional powers in President Evil and Big Bird Machine. You got the has-been clawing his way back to the top in Ace La Grange, and Parking Lot Duval as the never-was hoping for his day to finally come. You got a freakish athlete in Crash Ferrari and a full-on freak in Skip Legday. And while he’s got the athleticism of a patient in hospice care and the politics of someone our forefathers machinegunned at Normandy, Peppy Wright seems to find ways to win. Not to mention what’s going to happen when Tyrannosaurus Plex unfucks himself from whatever happened a week ago. And then, hell I dunno, Black Panther Mask, Big Dick Fuchs, Screaming Rage Man? I just don’t see how Nasty Dick fits in there. He can hang, but you take a baseball bat out of his hand, and he’s not The Guy, you know? And thusly, he loses to Skip.

Stats for the Nerds

Aapproximate Avg. Match Length: 17.42

Avg. Rating: 85.75 *** 1/2*

Guess I have to do plumbing now, but Inshoukd at least have a few clips up here later. Go away.