Monthly Archives: August 2021

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: AN INDECENT PROPOSAL

(THE SCENE: Having entered SUPER-CRISIS MODE following a fan’s lawsuit following War Party 2021, STRUGGLE two main dudes backstage, NATE RUGGLE and UNCLE ABDUL have begun a desperate and potentially futile search for a money mark to keep the doors open. In spite of everything, thanks to the efforts of people-person PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES, they’ve actually gotten several meetings scheduled with potential investors. However, when PAM enters the office, she looks rather upset. )

NATE: Oh hey, Pam, is someone here early?

PAM: Aw jeez, hon. none of the scheduled appointments have actually shown up yet, but well, he was really insistent, and-

PEPPY WRIGHT: I demand to speak to the high command at once!

NATE: Aw, hell.

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: Pain Management, Corporate Takeovers, and That Other Thing

(THE SCENE: Shortly after the events of the previous episode, In the back yard of the suburban home of STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling legend YUMIKO LA GRANGE, where she and teammate JEZEBEL GRIM lounge at poolside.  The ground is scattered with the spent plastic remnants of at least a dozen Otter Pops, “Police in Helicopter” by John Holt can be heard coming from a late 1990s-vintage portable boombox, and while official Invisible Backstage Camera policy discourages exposing wrestlers engaging in illegal activity, there is what is clearly a big ol’ blunt resting in an empty flower pot conveniently placed nearby, and it is fairly obvious that the two are high as fuck, you guys.)

JEZEBEL: Man, I just thought of something crazy…

YUMIKO: Oh god.

JEZEBEL: No, like… There’s been a lot of sexy-ass people in the world, right?

YUMIKO: Dozens, one would assume.

JEZEBEL: Like, you know, there’s been Sean Connery, and Marilyn Monroe, and like, fuckin’ Denzel…

YUMIKO: Right.

JEZEBEL: And you know, fuckin… Elvis and Brad Pitt, and Flo from those Progressive commercials…

YUMIKO: An unexpected choice, but I can see it.

JEZEBEL: And like, fuckin’… What’s his name, the dude that played Captain America…

YUMIKO: Chris Evans. Is there a point to all of this?

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: ENHANCED PERFORMANCE, SPICY MEAT-A-BALLS, AND THE DEADLY GABOON VIPER

(THE SCENE: Inside Gorgeous Gummo’s Casa De Butts, the local establishment, beloved for providing the community with liquor, chicken wings, and naked women, owned and operated by STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling mainstay GUMMO NAKAMURA. It is a place of total sensory overload, with loud music blaring and garish pink neon seemingly everywhere, in addition to the occasional topless dancer. Diminutive cruiserweight wrestler ZIPPITY DUDA anxiously makes his way through the main room, clearly overwhelmed and intimated by all of this, not to mention by the monstrous bouncers posted at regular intervals and the oily sketchiness of the patrons that frequent the place during the day shift. Seeing as how she is neither monstrous nor in a state of undress, Zip decides to approach ROSA THE BARTENDER to inquire of Gummo’s whereabouts.)

ZIP: Um, hello? Excuse me? Ma’am?

(ROSA doesn’t notice that he’s there, as she is busy wiping out glasses and distracted by the TV mounted on the wall behind the bar, which is currently showing a car insurance commercial featuring a CGI mouse.)

ZIP: Hello? Ma’am?

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE EVERYWHERE CAMERA: TALES FROM THE TRI-STATE AREA

(THE SCENE: Outside the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn, THE PHANTOM ROCKER approaches her car – a sweet 1987 IROC-Z. After she unlocks the door and prepares to get inside, she hears a familiar, angry voice…)

DONITA: HEY!

(ROCKER turns around to see her alleged older sister DONITA ZAPATA.(“alleged” sister, as in confirming such things would reveal a masked wrestler’s identity, which is illegal – but c’mon, that’s totally what the deal is) DONITA is conspicuously wearing her own early 90s-esque clothing, as opposed to the glam rock themed stuff she was forced to wear as a result of losing the “Hair Metal vs. Mask” match a while back)

ROCKER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing!?

(DONITA angrily shoves a piece of paper into ROCKER’s hands)

ROCKER: Wait… What is…

DONITA: It’s from the Tri-State Area Athletic Commission. And it’s says that you can fuck off, Lita.

ROCKER: But-but-but-

DONITA: A lucha de apuestas contract can’t be open-ended, unless it’s a mask or a loser-leaves-town situation, and how long I had to wear that bullshit was never specified. Add in your abuse of the situation, all your goddamn Skittles or whatever, and the commission ruled that- like I said – you can fuck right off.

ROCKER: So… Are you just going to…

DONITA: What!?

ROCKER: Well… I mean… I just thought that…

DONITA: Lita, if you are about to tell that you had hoped this would be bring us together or some shit, don’t bother. I am fucking done with you. Congratulations.

(ROCKER, looking like she’s on the verge of tears, angrily throws the car door open, gets inside, and starts the engine. DONITA smugly looks on, then starts to turn around, before being interrupted)

ROCKER: I guess you’ve got a point, Donita. I mean, being forced by someone from your own family to look and act a certain way against your will? Why, that must have been awful.

(ROCKER guns the engine, recklessly backs out of her spot, and tears ass out of the parking lot, squealing tires and throwing rocks and shit everywhere. DONITA just stands and stares as she drives off, suddenly with a very distraught look on her face)

MEANWHILE…

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