Monthly Archives: October 2022

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA! Them’s the Rules

(THE SCENE: At the STRUGGLE offices in the old Blockbuster next to the arena, STRUGGLE President NATE RUGGLE and Head Booker/Everything Else UNCLE ABDUL are meeting with wrestler DONITA ZAPATA, who has been knocked out of action for the forseeable future, following the events of FALL FORWARD #1.)

ABDUL: Are you sure you wanna do this? I know you won’t be takin’ bumps out there all night, but there’s still a chance. I mean, Referoth got nailed out there last week.

DONITA: I know, but just.. Fuck man, I’m gonna be out of work for a year, probably. I’ve got to do something. And I already passed the written test, and the Athletic Commission signed off on it, somehow.

NATE: I guess so, but you do realize that we’re broke, right? If something gets aggravated out there and you need another surgery or something, we can’t help with it. Hell, we couldn’t help with the first one.

DONITA: Yeah, I’m well aware of that. Again, it’s part of why I need a fuckin’ job so bad.

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: An evil epilogue

(THE SCENE: In the dressing room next to the sauna at the Abandoned Pines Retirement Home after Fall Forward #2, several members of the Evil Administration reflect on a blisteringly unsuccessful day at the office. BECKY WITH THE EVIL HAIR, having recently become an ex-champion for the second time, has had an extreme reaction to failure, pacing back and forth, angrily kicking and tossing anything she can find, and generally trashing the place. Meanwhile, AGENT BULLDOG seems calm and relaxed, partially because she won her match, and partially because emotions are kind of rare for her. AGENT 35 is in a similar state, but mostly because he just doesn’t give a shit. Freshly-uncrowned former Cruiserweight Champion AGENT FANG is despondent, sulking on a bench, and staring at a “number 2 guy around here” t-shirt that had been made to commemorate his title win, before wadding it up and throwing it across the room.)

FANG: Well, I guess those can go on clearance now…

ON SALE NOW! (but I’d wait for them to go on clearance)

AGENT 35: Yep, tough break there, my dude. Of course, my shirts can still run free, all thanks to the blessings of lowered expectations.

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FALL FORWARD #2 RESULTS!

We actually ran another show, and did so at great risk to our reputation by doing so in a goddamn retirement home. But fuck it, the gate was good, we got a few absolute classics out of the deal, and hahaha, oh man, it was a terrible night for the Evil Administration. As always, you know the drill, watch the show, or be a lazy ass and just read how you feel about it below.

reading more is fundamental

THE DAILY STRUGGLE #12!

The first big news item for you people is that yes, we are indeed running another show soon. It’s a shock, I know, but seriously, it’s happened before, and it may even happen again. Now, a preview:

DARK MATCHES: So dark, very match-like.

MATCH 1: Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti vs. Twilight Princess Zelda: The official debut of Zelda Lucabrasi going through a phase most people go through in junior high. Whoever wins, I’m sure Patience will be very upset, and I’ll have to hear about it.

MATCH 2: The Turd Boyz vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – Because sometimes, you just gotta add a random match. Also, there was no First Class Family representation on the card, and Johnny San Diego bitched at me all week after the initial announcement, which I guess is a good argument for wrestlers getting managers.

MATCH 3: Junior Grim vs. Agent Bulldog – With the Pac vs. Fang title match as the co-main, we went with an Evil Administration vs. B.A.R.S. theme for a couple of the undercard matches. So it’s a match between the EA member that First Lady Evil considers dead weight, versus the BARS member that President Evil considers to the the same. It’s Dead Weight Bowl 2022! Yeah!

MATCH 4: Uno Muerte vs. Captain STRUGGLE: Major title implications here, in this match between the two guys Pac beat for his shot. High probability of this being the best match on the card.

MATCH 5: Agent 35 vs. Black Panther Mask – Huh. On one hand, you’ve got a guy who’s emerged as a major main event-level player against a guy who seemingly never wins. But on the other hand, the never-winning guy is a staple-slinging deathmatch ghoul, which is always a wild card in any situation.

MATCH 6: Zippity Duda vs. Screaming Rage Man – This was added at the last minute, like it’s not even listed on most of the posters around town. And it’s such a bad idea. So very, very bad.

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WEEKENDS AT THE HOSS DOJO: Social Media Training

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO BE A PRO WRESTLER? DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO STEP IN THE RING WITH A LIVING LEGEND? CAN YOU GET $1500 TOGETHER BY FRIDAY? THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME A SUPERSTAR OF TOMORROW IN OL’ ROSS GRACIE’S INFAMOUS HOSS DOJO!

A large group of trainees gathered in front of the Hoss Dojo at dawn, just as they were instructed to do, but of course, no one let them in the building for another three hours. There were murmurings from a few new hopefuls that this was one of those old school wrestling tests; an attempt to weed out the weak by making them stand in freezing temperatures. The established trainees all knew what the deal was, though: Ol’ Ross Gracie and the day’s assistant trainers always parked out back and went through the rear entrance, Hoss had forgotten they were going to be there that early, and as such had also forgotten to unlock the door. Meanwhile, this was a day where Ace La Grange and Donita Zapata were his assistant trainers, and while Ace had genuinely forgotten about the locked front door, Donita more than likely remembered, but just didn’t care. In the meantime, Ace expressed concern for Donita and the broken neck she had suffered in a match just days earlier.

“Donita… Brother… Should you even be here?”

“What? It’s not like I’m gonna be one of the ones that gets thrown around today.”

“I know, I know… Brother, it’s just that shit’s no joke, you know?”

“Yeah, well…. I’m about to be out of work for a fuckin’ year, Ace. I’m not passing up an opportunity for a hundred bucks.”

Ace sighed sadly. “Yeah, I been there before, brother. I guess it should be okay today, though. Supposedly, we’re just going over some social media policy nonsense for most of today, anyway. I guess Nate and those guys don’t want people embarrassing the company over the Myspaces or whatever.”

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FALL FORWARD TOUR #1 RESULTS!

Hey, look, we ran another show. And we gave it a fancy tour-based name, forcing us to actually run more than one. Good times. Except if you saw the show, the times were quite bad for a few of our wrestlers. Very, very bad. But it should be okay for you guys, so go watch the show, then come back here and learn what you thought of it.

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TSLL SUPER LUCHA ESPECTACULAR REPORT!

So after much ado, the bug TSLL debut show finally happened, meaning there are now three semi-functional wrestling promotions (four if you count GHW) in the Tri-State Area. It’s like there’s some wrestling boom going on that STRUGGLE will never see the benefit if. Oh well. Anyway, they asked me if I’d put some sort if report here, and I said yes, so here you go. Gonna try to keep it brief, because I’ve got the Fall Forward #1 report to do, plus some of the lights in the arena are acting up, so I gotta get the crew to tear down the ring, plus I gotta rent a goddamn scissor lift now. It never ends. Anyway, watch the show, or perhaps read about it below.

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA! Missed Connections

(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo Training Complex, where in addition to the theoretical stars of tomorrow literally learning the ropes, the stars of today (but mostly yesterday) make use of the facilities throughout the day to stay sharp between shows. It’s open 24 hours a day, not so much by design as because Ol’ Ross Gracie always forgets to lock the place up when he leaves. At an ungodly early hour, two wrestlers have the place all to themselves: Disgraced-and-then-somewhat-re-graced former world’s champion ACE LA GRANGE and his unwitting protege, the size-impaired ZIPPITY DUDA, who is seemingly being forced to run back and forth between the ropes until he dies.)

ACE: C’mon, Zip! You’re draggin’ ass out there, brother!

ZIP: (breathing extremely hard) Because I’ve been doing this forever! And you stopped ten minutes ago!

ACE: Seniority, brother! I set my own pace.

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