(THE SCENE: Inside Gorgeous Gummo’s Casa De Butts, the local establishment, beloved for providing the community with liquor, chicken wings, and naked women, owned and operated by STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling mainstay GUMMO NAKAMURA. It is a place of total sensory overload, with loud music blaring and garish pink neon seemingly everywhere, in addition to the occasional topless dancer. Diminutive cruiserweight wrestler ZIPPITY DUDA anxiously makes his way through the main room, clearly overwhelmed and intimated by all of this, not to mention by the monstrous bouncers posted at regular intervals and the oily sketchiness of the patrons that frequent the place during the day shift. Seeing as how she is neither monstrous nor in a state of undress, Zip decides to approach ROSA THE BARTENDER to inquire of Gummo’s whereabouts.)
ZIP: Um, hello? Excuse me? Ma’am?
(ROSA doesn’t notice that he’s there, as she is busy wiping out glasses and distracted by the TV mounted on the wall behind the bar, which is currently showing a car insurance commercial featuring a CGI mouse.)
(THE SCENE: Outside the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn, THE PHANTOM ROCKER approaches her car – a sweet 1987 IROC-Z. After she unlocks the door and prepares to get inside, she hears a familiar, angry voice…)
DONITA: HEY!
(ROCKER turns around to see her alleged older sister DONITA ZAPATA.(“alleged” sister, as in confirming such things would reveal a masked wrestler’s identity, which is illegal – but c’mon, that’s totally what the deal is) DONITA is conspicuously wearing her own early 90s-esque clothing, as opposed to the glam rock themed stuff she was forced to wear as a result of losing the “Hair Metal vs. Mask” match a while back)
ROCKER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing!?
(DONITA angrily shoves a piece of paper into ROCKER’s hands)
ROCKER: Wait… What is…
DONITA: It’s from the Tri-State Area Athletic Commission. And it’s says that you can fuck off, Lita.
ROCKER: But-but-but-
DONITA: A lucha de apuestas contract can’t be open-ended, unless it’s a mask or a loser-leaves-town situation, and how long I had to wear that bullshit was never specified. Add in your abuse of the situation, all your goddamn Skittles or whatever, and the commission ruled that- like I said – you can fuck right off.
ROCKER: So… Are you just going to…
DONITA: What!?
ROCKER: Well… I mean… I just thought that…
DONITA: Lita, if you are about to tell that you had hoped this would be bring us together or some shit, don’t bother. I am fucking done with you. Congratulations.
(ROCKER, looking like she’s on the verge of tears, angrily throws the car door open, gets inside, and starts the engine. DONITA smugly looks on, then starts to turn around, before being interrupted)
ROCKER: I guess you’ve got a point, Donita. I mean, being forced by someone from your own family to look and act a certain way against your will? Why, that must have been awful.
(ROCKER guns the engine, recklessly backs out of her spot, and tears ass out of the parking lot, squealing tires and throwing rocks and shit everywhere. DONITA just stands and stares as she drives off, suddenly with a very distraught look on her face)
Look, these are trying times, and sacrifices have had to be made. I don’t really feel like doing a big, fancy intro, so let’s get right to the bloodshed.
(THE SCENE: The STRUGGLE home office, located in the old Blockbuster next to the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn. STRUGGLE acting president NATE RUGGLE is going over a big stack of invoices and other business-type documents with announcer/interviewer/office lackey MURRAY STADANKOWICZ, executive VP of talent relations/wrestler PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES, as well as wrestler BUSINESS CLOWN, who is there on account of how he’s good at business and all. Strangely and unexpectedly, the news seems to be mostly good.)
BUSINESS CLOWN: …So the county fair people taking the concessions hurt, but we sold a shitload of t-shirts and Gummo’s idea of selling shots of whiskey alongside the t-shirts really paid off.
NATE: …Which was illegal.
CLOWN: Most good business is. And it made enough to pay off the cops and still turn a profit. And it was like 15 degrees, those idiots had to stay warm somehow.
NATE: (shaking his head) So what are we looking at here? Did we break even?
The first major pay-per-view esque show since STRUGGLE’s relaunch is in the books, and despite the El Pendejo weather phenomenon bringing us snow showers in June, (don’t worry, it was 78 and sunny the next day) it went off without a hitch, or at least with very few. Scores were settled, titles exchanged hands and somehow, no one was killed. Check out the VOD right here, then come back and read about how you should feel about it. I know I say this every time, but I’d love to just embed video, except that either Twitch or WordPress is hopelessly broken. Maybe both? Who can say. anyway, full show report after the jump.
The time has come for us to hit the road and head to the Ciro Terranova Memorial County Fairgrounds for our first real attempt at a major event since the company’s relaunch, WAR PARTY 2021. We did a few of these back in the day, and the results were usually pretty fun, so we have high hopes for this one. Famous last words, probably. anyway, in addition to a few yet-to-be-determined dark matches, here’s the card:
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy (c) vs. Rodimus Primo – Primo won the Super C-Cup tournament to be modern STRUGGLE’s first cruiserweight champ, but lost it to Jimmy almost immediately. Since then, he’s scratched and clawed his way back to contendership, and you can assume he’ll be pulling out all the stops to try and shake off the “fluke” label on his prior championship reign. I don’t think Jimmy really cares either way, as he probably never fully regained his higher brain functions after the coma.
WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: PARTY TIGER (c) vs. Becky (With the Awful Hair) – PARTY TIGER became the initial champion in the YASS KWEENDOM 2020 tournament, and she hasn’t looked back since. Hell, her and Ross coke were even tag title contenders for a minute in that span. As for Becky, she’s another one out to prove herself, as she was expected to be one of the faces of the division after the company relaunched, then quickly fell behind people like TIGER, YLG, and various members of the Grim family. A win here could finally get her established as a star.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Team Twizzy (c) vs. The Coke Brothers – This one might have some extra dimensions added to it, as the Cokes are flying out west in a couple weeks to fight The Grim Reapers for the Warrior Pro tag titles. So this means that this could be a champs vs. champs situation (no word on whether or not it would be a title vs. title match just yet, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there) or it could lead to the Cokes losing title matches in consecutive weeks, leading to a final and ultimate humiliation that they’ll probably shrug off within a couple of hours.
NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP LANDMINE DEATHMATCH: Screaming Rage Man (c) vs. The Korn Demon – Whatever bits of faith in humanity inside me that may have been barely hanging on should finally be gone after this one. The Demon is on a mission to regain a title that he feels he never truly lost, (in case you forgot, Tony Unity won it via ref stoppage, after Demon’s appendix exploded) and Rage Man is basically like hell walking on earth. This should be fun~!
WAR PARTY MATCH: Team Skip (Skip Legday, Captain STRUGGLE, Skull Mayday, & Comrade DIRECT ACTION) vs. Team Freedom (Garfield Vanzetti, Buford Randall, Mad Dog Wociejchowski, & Wilhelm Kruger) – The logistics of this match are going to be hell to get together, as Skip’s team might not even be able to get four people to show up. Wait, what? No, I’m saying that Skip has Warrior Pro commitments and could miss a flight or something. Why do you people keep saying that the Outside Agitators are Skip and the Captain. totally different guys, honest. Also, an added stipulation is that if Team Skip wins, Vanzetti will drop his restraining order, allowing them to work full time again.
WAR PARTY MATCH: Team Stormy (Stormy Knight, Virginia Slams, Velveeta Dream, & Agent Bulldog) vs. Jezebel-Gun (Jezebel Grim, Toshiyo Nakano, Crawdad Hoshino, & Yumiko La Grange) – Stormy is on a semi-righteous crusade to turn the future of STRUGGLE Pro over to the young and unconnected, while Jezebel-Gun (that’s what she’s calling the team) is mostly just pissed that she broke Nakano’s arm and has generally been a huge dickhead lately. And by “lately,” I mean since at least five years before she even became a wrestler. Interesting thing here, as Team Stormy actually includes a member of The Evil Administration, but there isn’t expected to be any interference, partially because Brown Shoes is going to be watching the ramp like a hawk, and also, because you can’t have nine people on the screen at the same time.
WAR PARTY MATCH: Team Machine (Big Bird Machine, El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine, Rampage Hunter, & Ace La Grange) vs. The Evil Administration (President Evil, Agent Fang, Agent 35, & Tyrannosaurus Plex) – Some wild surprise entrants here, as Tyrannosaurus Plex turned to the dark side and threw in with the forces of evil, and Bird responded by bringing in Warrior Pro’s resident belt collector, Rampage Hunter, in response. This is made more interesting by the fact that neither guy seems to be a big fan of their team captain, with Rampage taking the match mainly to get a rematch with BBM, and T-Plex seemingly having been manipulated into this position by his manager, Manny Diaz. (Who has also generally been a big truth-and-justice guy, which makes this all so much more confusing) Also, this match has what could potentially be the first-ever one-on-one in-ring confrontation between President Evil and Big Bird Machine. Seriously, in all these years since their feud began, there has never been a singles match. Of course, then again, one team could blow the other out and they could end up never touching each other. But please don’t let this possibility affect whether or not you buy a ticket. Please. Oh God.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: STRUGGLE acting president NATE RUGGLE is in his office at the old Blockbuster shuffling papers, signing checks, and doing assorted managerial-type tasks. All of a sudden, ring announcer, backstage interview guy, and gofer MURRAY STADANKOWICZ pops his head through the door.)
MURRAY: Hey! Hey Nate! What are you doing right now?
NATE: Oh, you know, assorted managerial-type tasks. Getting everything in order for the big show coming up.
MURRAY: Oh boy! That’s great!
NATE: I, uhhh… Actually, yeah. I’m honestly kind of shocked that nothing has gone insanely, horribly wrong up to this point. I never thought I’d say this, but I actually have a really good feeling about this.
MURRAY: That’s great! but hey, you should come out here. Pam made cookies!
NATE: Ooh. Another pleasant surprise. Give me a second.
(NATE shuffles some papers from one side of the desk to the other, then gets up and leaves the office. After he leaves, the FM radio on his desk plays the final notes of “tom Sawyer” by Rush and then goes straight into a weather bulletin.)
VOICE ON THE RADIO: We’ve got an important update from the KRCK weather desk, as local scientists believe that El Pendejo is headed for the Tri-State Area. This mysterious weather pattern has long been associated with extreme and unpredictable conditions, most famously leading to The Great Drought, Fire, Blizzard, Flood, Famine, and Pestilence of 1998. Residents are advised to keep a close eye on local weather reports and prepare for pretty much anything. Anyway, here’s “Wonderwall.”
(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo training facility, out on the edge of town, right past where the old Walmart (the one full of feral dogs) is located. The makeshift tag team of SKIP LEGDAY and CAPTAIN STRUGGLE have come here seeking advice on their upcoming WAR PARTY 2021 match from veteran OL’ ROSS GRACIE, but he is nowhere to be found. Extremely loud snoring can be heard from behind the door to Hoss’s office, and it is extremely awkward.)
SKIP: Soooo… Uhh… Do you think we should leave, or…?
STRUGGLE: Five more minutes.
SKIP: Bro, you said that five minutes ago.
STRUGGLE: I drive fifteen minutes to get here, we wait another five.
SKIP: I dunno, maybe we could just leave for a while and come back or something. It’s a thousand degrees in here.
STRUGGLE: Hoss say it build character. Allegedly.
SKIP: Well, I’m at least gonna go outside for a minute.
STRUGGLE: Hm. Probably a good idea.
(The two turn around and start to leave, when all of a sudden, the office doors fly open, and OL’ ROSS GRACIE appears, brandishing a double barreled shotgun.)
HOSS: ALRIGHT YA GODDAMN BUSHWACKIN’ RATTLESNAKE MOTHERFUCKERS! TRYIN’ TO ROB OL’ HOSS ARE YA? I’M GONNA FILL YOUR HIDES SO FULL O’ LEAD, YOU’RE GONNA SHIT PELLETS FOR A WEEK!
SKIP: HOSS! Stop, it’s us!
STRUGGLE: (Yells something in Japanese that I couldn’t decipher, due to being extremely monolingual, but based on my knowledge of body language and tonality, it was just filled to the brim with cusses)
HOSS: What? Aw hell, sorry boys. Ol’ Hoss ain’t got his glasses on. I remember y’all. Scoop Lindsey and his young son, Colonel SANDERS, right?
PICTURED: Colonel Harlan Sanders.
SKIP: Bro! You could’ve killed us both!
HOSS: What? Aw bullshit, this thing ain’t even loaded!
(HOSS pumps his shotgun several times, ejecting a shell onto the dojo’s dirt floor every time.)
HOSS: Huh. Well whaddaya know? Anyways, important part is that it ain’t loaded now, at least. I think. Anywho, what brings you two here?
The COOL ZONE 2020 Tour wrapped up in a pretty wild night with a couple major twists, including a surprise return and a shocking – Well, you’ll see. Especially if you go watch the VOD here. Then read about it.
The next-to-last stop on the road to WAR PARTY 2021 is in the books, and it got kind of wild. Once again, this is where I’d love to embed the video, but Twitch broke the world, so just CLICK THE LINK and go there. Then come back for the readings.
