All posts by turrible666

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: THE GANG SHELTERS in Place

THE SCENE: STRUGGLE Pro headquarters in the closed-down Blockbuster location next to the arena. Acting company president Nate Ruggle, looking like he hasn’t slept in days – because he hasn’t – sits at a desk covered in receipts and invoices, desperately trying to figure out a way to keep the company afloat during the COVID-19 health crisis. He has now reached the point of last resort: Calling his his mom and asking for money.

NATE: Look – No, mother, there is nothing left! Between replacing the wiring and – No, we couldn’t leave it alone! It was a fire hazard! But between that and the pipes, I’m wiped out!… No, we couldn’t just ignore the plumbing problems! The basement was full of sewage! It was a river of shit!… No, we couldn’t just close the door!… Yes, mother, yes I know that Stevie always found the money. He found it by laundering it for the mob! Hell, not even the mob, more like eight different mobs!… No, that’s not just a rumor, it’s why he’s in prison!… Christ, you had to pay half of them back yourself!… What!? No, it wasn’t a bank loan! A bank doesn’t ask you to repay a loan by going to a parking garage at night and handing a briefcase to a guy named “Vlad the Bull!”… His legal defense fund!? There’s nothing to defend!… No, it’s not that I have no faith in the legal system, it’s that he was guilty as hell, and exposed himself to a judge!… Mother! He’s not a “good boy!” He tried to bribe a 75 year old judge with sexual favors!… No, no, no, the liberals didn’t make it up, there were witnesses and a security camera!… No… No, we’re not doing this right now… NO! Goddammit, I am hanging up this phone!… Love you too, bye.

(Nate throws his phone down on the desk and lets out an exasperated sigh, then looks up to see STRUGGLE head booker/producer/building supervisor/etc. Uncle Abdul standing in the doorway, looking both concerned and highly entertained)

ABDUL: So, uhhh… Bad news, boss?

NATE: Yeah, you could say that. We’re fucked, Abdul. There’s no more money. We were this close to actually turning this thing around, but there’s no telling how long everything’s going to be shut down, and we simply don’t have the cash to keep the company running while we can’t run any shows. It’s over. At this point, it’s all a question of whether or not selling the ring and the title belts – which we never even used – can get us enough to pay the rent we still owe.

ABDUL: Okay, first of all, stop it. We’ve always figured this shit out before, and we’ll figure it out this time. Second of all, you might wanna walk back this “can’t run shows” talk.

NATE: What? Are you crazy!? We’re in a global pandemic! People are dying by the thousands! Have you even seen the news lately?

ABDUL: Well, yeah, but have you seen the news today?

NATE: Not following you.

ABDUL: Ah, shit… Just gimme a minute here…

(Abdul turns on the TV and spends like five minutes positioning the antenna so that something resembling a human can appear on screen for more than three seconds)

NEWS ANCHOR: …And in local newsszzzzgghbrbrbrbbrbr

ABDUL: Goddamn digital bullshit!

(He spends another minute or so moving the antenna to different parts of the room)

ANCHOR: …After Tri-State Area provisional governor “Fast Eddie” Gambino announced-bbbvvvrrxxxnnkkk

ABDUL: Motherfucker!

(more antenna wiggling)

ANCHOR: …ordered local strip clubs and casinos closeddddzzzbbrrbrbrbr… angry mob stormed the governor’s mansskzkzkzkz…

NATE: Wait, what!?

ANCHOR: …burned to the groundzzkzkzk… torn to piecessszzkkzkz… critical conditionnznznz…

(Abdul finally gives up and turns it off, while Nate sits silently, slack-jawed in shock)

NATE: So… What the hell is going on right now? Are we going to die?

ABDUL: No. Well, I mean, eventually, but… Never mind. Look, the government shut down the casinos and strip clubs. And I know you’re from the North End, where people have families and hopes and dreams and all that shit, but here in South Central, that’s all these people have! Gambling, titties, and wrestling, Nate. And now two out of three are gone, and society’s coming apart. Wrestling is the only thing that can save this godforsaken place from itself! We have no choice here. Besides, the old folks’ bingo has been cancelled for the near future, and they’re willing to cut us a deal on rent for the duration.

NATE: Well, okay, but what about the pandemic? What about social distancing?

ABDUL: Shit, have you seen the people that attend our shows? Half of ’em have so much alcohol in ’em that their blood is effectively a sterile solution, and the rest already have so many damn diseases that there’s no room for any more!

NATE: Okay, that sounds like a slight exaggeration, but even if people attend, the wrestlers… Abdul, I’m not going to force the talent into a dangerous situation.

ABDUL: Eh, it won’t come to that. I figure the roster’s an even split between stupid and crazy, and there’s only a couple in high-risk groups, so we should have enough volunteers. If we don’t, we’ll just see who wants to put on a hood and wrestle twice. Besides, back to the audience thing, do you really think any living thing – be it viral, bacterial, or otherwise – could survive in Ross Coke’s bloodstream? Or Reverend Freakout, or PARTY TIGER, or Lil’ Xeljanz, or you know, hell, I could sit here naming people for an hour.

NATE: Okay, fine. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this, but I’ll start making calls to see who’s still willing to wrestle. But just… Man, I dunno, this seems…

ABDUL: Does it seem dangerous, unethical, immoral, and like it can’t possibly end well?

NATE: Yeah.

ABDUL: Seems like pro wrestling to me, boss.

NATE: My god.

MEET THE FIRST HOSS DOJO CLASS OF 2020!

While enjoying a well-deserved semi-retirement, STRUGGLE/TSWA/various other promotions legend Ol’ Ross Gracie has kept busy. When our beloved Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn isn’t in use by STRUGGLE, the local bingo community, or that one shitty high school garage punk band whose drummer’s dad can afford to rent the building, Hoss has been there, training the superstars of tomorrow! He’s also been training several others, but they can’t all be winners, brother. Anyway, we thought it would be cool to give you, the gentle wrestling fan, a peek into the future. So we got Ol’ Hoss to sit down with assistant trainer / fellow local legend Yumiko La Grange to tell you what’s up with these people.

Read more, DAMN IT

Tales of the Visible Cellphone Camera: LUCHA FANTASTICO PRESS CONFERENCE TRANSCRIPT

THE SCENE: STRUGGLE President Nate Ruggle and wrestler Uno Muerte stand in front of STRUGGLE headquarters, aka the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn. Backstage Interviewer/Announcer/Executive Vice President/etc. Murray Stadankowicz is filming them with his cell phone, while head booker/building maintenance supervisor Uncle Abdul looks on.

NATE: Okay, are we ready to do this yet? (Murray gives him a thumbs up) Just make sure your finger isn’t in front of the camera this time. Okay, here we go. STRUGGLE Pro is proud to announce that, in cooperation with Lucha POWER and Warrior-

UNO: Ayo, dude, wait.

NATE: What?

UNO: His thumb’s in front of the camera.

MURRAY: Sorry!

NATE: Seriously!? That’s like the third time!

ABDUL: Welp, technically, he did keep his finger out, I guess.

NATE: Okay, one more try. Let’s see if we can get more than a sentence in this time.

NATE: STRUGGLE Pro is proud to announce that, in collaboration with Lucha POWER and Warrior Pro, our own Uno Muerte will be in action at LUCHA FANTASTICO, streaming live on Twitch on March 12. This is a great opportunity for Uno and all of us at STRUGGLE, as we here have worked hard over the last year to prove that this company can return to prominence in the national – or in this case, international – wrestling scene. Furthermore, we-

UNO: Wait, Holmes, did you say “international?”

NATE: Uhh, yeah, the show’s in Mexico.

UNO: WHAT!?

NATE: Um, I, uhhh… Is that a problem? I mean, aren’t you from there?

UNO: (nervously) Well, I mean, yeah, but… That’s a long way away, dude. You know… I’d… I’d probably have to fly to get there.

NATE: Well, yeah. We’re – (back toward the camera) Murray, stop recording this.

MURRAY: Don’t worry boss, I’m getting all of it! (grins and gives another big thumbs up)

NATE: (frowns at Murray, and almost says something, but realizes it’s hopeless and turns back towards Uno) We’re going to pay for it, so it’s no big deal.

UNO: No, but… But… (fidgeting nervously) What if it crashes, man?

NATE: The plane isn’t going to crash.

UNO: That’s what everyone says until their fuckin’ plane crashes, dude!

NATE: (sighs) Look, people fly all the time, thousands every day,

UNO: And I got one in 5.4 million odds!

NATE: Did… Did you know that off the top of your head?

UNO: It’s important information to have, dude! Every time someone flies without crashing, that brings it one closer to the 5.4! I’m gonna be on that five-point-four-millionth plane! I’m gonna be the one, Nate!

NATE: Look, just calm down, it’s not that big a-

UNO: No, you calm down!

NATE: What?

ABDUL: Welp, think he’s about to lose his shit, boss.

UNO: (shaking) Oh man, oh an, oh man, ay dios mio, I’m gonna fuckin’ die, man!

ABDUL: …and therrrre it goooooes.

NATE: (angrily) That’s not helping!

UNO: (hyperventilating) Ohmygodohmygod, I’m havin’ a panic attack, dude!

(Suddenly, amidst all the chaos, (which Murray is still recording) The Guy in the Bad Brains Shirt Who Sells dope Out of His Hatchback appears.)

THE GUY: Oh wow, hey dudes.

NATE: Uhh, hi? Look, this probably isn’t a good time.

THE GUY: Damn, your lil masked buddy is really freakin’ out over there, dude.

NATE: …Which is why this is a bad time for… Wait, what are you doing here anyway? Do you live here?

THE DUDE: (blows out a massive plume of smoke that he had apparently been holding in for a very long time) Naw, man, I just work here. Hey listen, you want me to take care of this?

NATE: (confused) I… Uhhh… How?

THE GUY: Check it out, man. Hey masked dude!

UNO: Ahh! What the hell! Who are you!?

THE GUY: Just a friend, man. Say, do you like… gummy bears?

UNO: (still shaking in full-body terror) I… I love them.

THE GUY: Come over to my hatchback, man. i got some special ones you oughtta try.

UNO: But-butbutbut it’s all the way across the parking lot! We could get hit by a car! Or attacked by a bear!

THE GUY: (puts his arm around Uno and starts to guide him away) Just come on, dude. (they exit the scene together)

ABDUL: Well, I’d say that went better than expected.

NATE: Jesus Christ. I dunno, I guess we’ll try this again once he calms down.

ABDUL: Hell, if what I heard about them gummies is true, it’ll be tomorrow at the earliest, boss.

NATE: (sighs) Maybe we’ll just put out a press release instead. (turns toward Murray, who is tapping away on his phone) Wait, Murray, what are you doing?

MURRAY: Just finishing this thing up, Nate. (grins again and gives yet another big thumbs up)

NATE: Wait, what!? no, no, no, do not send that video to anyone! Delete it before anyone sees it!

MURRAY: (slowly looking up from the phone with a worried look on his face) Uhh… Now, Nate… don’t be mad at me…

NATE: Oh my god.

BREAKING NEWS: Brain God, Entire Think Tank leave STRUGGLE Pro

(STANDARD DISCLAIMER: copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, we’ll start kicking the fatass with the bowl cut out of our shows, because we know he’s the guy that sends them the house show reports, the little pervert – Abdul)

Brain God, the Calculation Master, manager, spokesman, and supreme leader of the stable known collectively as The Think Tank (currently consisting of Brain God, Think Tank X, Think Tank Y, Cyberta, and Humungulus) has announced the group is leaving doomed South Central Tri-State Area based outlaw promotion STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling, effective immediately. No specific reason was given to the public for the sudden exit, except for a bunch of jibber-jabbering about how “my genius cannot be contained in so small a vessel,” or some such, but our reporter was rolling his eyes too hard to actually bother writing down the entire statement.

This move was met with shock by many in the local mudshow wrestling community, as Brain God and the original Think Tanks tag team were famously some of the only big names to stay onboard all the way to the bitter end during the horrifying collapse of the original version of STRUGGLE Pro in 2011. However, many have pointed out alleged tensions backstage over Brain God and the Tanks not being offered a full-time contract, (apparently, the company has only locked down a very small, select handful of wrestlers, including former world champions President Evil, Big Bird Machine, and Yumiko La Grange, as well as currently-injured young star Skip Legday) and the Think Tanks tag team recently taking several outside bookings was seen by some as a threat to the STRUGGLE office.  We reached several officials and wrestlers inside STRUGGLE for comment on the matter:

STRUGGLE Acting President Nate Ruggle: “Uhh well, The Think Tank were a valued members of the STRUGGLE family for many years, and we wish them well in their future endeavors. I guess.”

STRUGGLE Head Booker/Producer Uncle Abdul: “That little bobble-headed son of a bitch, I always knew he was a fuckin’ snake. I mean, uhh, we wish him well, future endeavors, blah blah, ah whatever. Fuck him.”

President Evil: “What? Haha, oh man, I hope it’s because of something I said. Even if it isn’t, I’m just gonna pretend it is. Just sad I couldn’t give the little prick a wedgie on his way out.”

Rabbi Spike (half of the Bad Religion tag team): “Oy vey, that little rat bastard and his fakakta Think Tanks. If you ask me for my opinion, I think he was worried that one day, they’d come up against us, and then his meshuganneh team would be leaving on a stretcher instead of a press release.”

PARTY TIGER: “Heyyyy man, it’s like, it’s like… (hiccups) Y’know, s’like… Thinks Tanks, man, they’re like… (hiccups) You know? You know, ’cause like, like… You know, like, you understand me, and like, (hiccups) I just loooove you soooo much, maaaan! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Her statement continued after this, but had mostly devolved into hiccup-punctuated crying and gibberish)

Froggy Terry: “Think Tanks? Man, Froggy Terry ain’t care. Because Froggy Terry’s gotta do he does best, and that’s to do what’s best for Froggy  Terry, you know what Froggy Terry is sayin’? Froggy Terry.”

Walter Grabowski (half the the 46 Defenders tag team) – “Ya know dere, it really doesn’t matter if Da Tink Tanks are here or not, because just as da Dallas Cowboys were dahminated dis most recent Tursday by da Mahnsters of Da Midway, or as dey are better known, da Chicahgo Bearss, da tag team division will cahnitnue ta be dahminated by da 46 Defenders, my friend.

When reached for comment on future plans for himself and his organization, Brain God the Calculation Master was quoted as saying, “Plans? Oh, mark my words, I have plans. Plans you could not even begin to understand with your feeble little brain!” He then attempted to laugh maniacally, but apparently sucked some spit down the wrong pipe and coughed uncontrollably until he finally hung up.

OFFICIAL THINK TANKS SHIRTS STILL AVAILABLE WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

HOUSE SHOW #25! – 10-26-19

Well, first of all, I’d like to apologize for the general state of things lately. I’ve been lax in maintaining the website, (still got like 1,298 wrestler profiles to add, Jesus) and we haven’t been filming the shows, ever since Buddy From the Ring Crew got put on house arrest for some sort of cable-stealing ring he was behind. Not that we’ve been doing a whole lot of shows either way, with our finances the way they are. Either way, I’ll try to do better, and before we get into today’s shenanigans, here are the two shows from July that I never blog-posted about:

#23 – 7-13-19
1. OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE BATTLE ROYAL: Neal Grabowski defeated Rockin’ Roland, The Überklaw, BIG TREAT BOY, Peppy Wright, Grizzle 4 Shizzle, Bucko Clambake, and Humungulus
Eliminations:
Humungulus self-eliminated like a dumbass at 0:31
Bucko hit with a Kodiak Bomb by Grizzle at 1:51
Grizzle Tossed by TREAT BOY at 2:54
Peppy tossed by TREAT BOY at 6:47
TREAT BOY tossed by Neal at 9:35
Klaw tossed by Neal at 15:26
Roland tossed by Neal at 21:36
2. Bad Religion defeated the Turd Experience when Spike powerbombed Turd 2A at 26:51 ⭐⭐⭐ ½⭐
3. Ace La Grange defeated Tucker Schertz with a leg lock suplex hold in 16:26 ⭐⭐⭐⭐
4. Taco Belle and Pam from Human Resources defeated Stormy Knight and Virginia Slams when Pam CRITICAL!ed Stormy with a lariat at 15:18 ⭐⭐ ½⭐

#24 – 7-27-19
1. OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE CRUISERWEIGHT BATTLE ROYAL: Jackson Victory defeated Churd Grunson, Zippity Duda, Cobra Nightraven, Froggy Terry, Radical Jeremy, Agent Fang, and Doodlebug (I didn’t write down the individual eliminations)
2. Stormy Knight defeated Pam from Human Resources with the Multi-vortex Armbreaker in 16:20 ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
3. Rodimus Primo defeated Tupac Machine in 9:57 with a Huracanrana ⭐⭐
4. Big Dick Fuchs defeated Tyrannosaurus Plex  (no star rating, for some reason?)

HOUSE SHOW 25 AFTER THE BREAK

HOUSE SHOW #22! – 6-23-19

This house show report is incredibly late. So late, in fact, that the Twitch stream of it is already set to be deleted tomorrow, so I’m not going to embed it. I dunno, it’s been a really rough couple of weeks here at STRUGGLE Headquarters, and I’m sure you’ll hear about it eventually. Finances are rough right now, and we’ve got some decisions to make, and that’s about all I can say right now. Thank Nate’s mom. Yeah.

Continue reading HOUSE SHOW #22! – 6-23-19 →

HOUSE SHOW #21! 6-22-19

Gonna try something a bit different this week. I figured if we have Invisible Backstage Cameras everywhere, we might as well send Murray to the locker rooms to try and get some post-match reactions from some of the wrestlers. Of course, it was a complete friggin’ disaster, (seriously trying to cuss less on here) but everything we’ve done since the relaunch has been disastrous on some level, so we’ll probably keep doing it. Here’s the video, which will be gone in a couple weeks, as will some of you, considering the abundance of alcohol-related deaths in the Tri-State area. And your last days are precious, so spend them watching wrestling. Here’s the link to the show before they take it down, I may or may not embed it later, but I’m on my phone, and that’s hard to do from here.

Continue reading HOUSE SHOW #21! 6-22-19 →