Here at STRUGGLE, we know what our audience wants, and that’s hard-hitting pro wrestling action. So here’s some news, notes, and other wordy things. First off, the question that’s been burning up all the Facebooks and Reddits and message boards and magazines and newsletters and Usenet and the BBSes and Tout:
Where in the World is Garfield Vanzetti?
click here or stay in suspense
STRUGGLE’s resident innocent little snuggy bear, President Evil, was back at it over the weekend, leading a full-scale assault on Doc Wyatt after his successful title defense at Warrior Pro/Dragon Fire Japan‘s joint New Year’s Gold event. This is pretty much standard procedure for the pirck at this point, but what was odd was that Becky was there doing henchperson work, which is something she rarely (never) does, and Agent Bulldog was nowhere to be seen, when she’s usually the Prez’s evil little sidekick, throwing more gas on the speculation that First Lady Evil is getting ready to kick her out of the Administration. Also odd was that Evil seemed to be completely healthy and moving with ease, when the most recent reports were that he was still laying around in a neck brace and flip-flops, eating meatball sammiches and listening to Kenny Loggins. Eh, I guess he was just screwing with us. Again. Anyway, the theoretically-reunited Jackson Hole Outlaws saved the day, (such as it was – Doc vs. Evil is still one of those “no matter who wins, we lose” situations) and fans of both STRUGGLE and Warrior Pro should probably be monitoring the situation closely.
MORE NEWS AFTER THE JUMP2022 was a year for the ages, in the sense that every year is technically one for the ages, just by virtue of being a year. It was… Truly a year of contrasts. Whatever, I dunno, introductory paragraphs are hard. Stay with me here, and we’ll take a look back at the year that was, as well as taking stock of where we are right now, as we wrank some restlers once again.
Continue reading JANUARY 2023 RESTLEWRANKINGS/2022 YEAR-IN-REVIEWThe first big news item for you people is that yes, we are indeed running another show soon. It’s a shock, I know, but seriously, it’s happened before, and it may even happen again. Now, a preview:
DARK MATCHES: So dark, very match-like.
MATCH 1: Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti vs. Twilight Princess Zelda: The official debut of Zelda Lucabrasi going through a phase most people go through in junior high. Whoever wins, I’m sure Patience will be very upset, and I’ll have to hear about it.
MATCH 2: The Turd Boyz vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – Because sometimes, you just gotta add a random match. Also, there was no First Class Family representation on the card, and Johnny San Diego bitched at me all week after the initial announcement, which I guess is a good argument for wrestlers getting managers.
MATCH 3: Junior Grim vs. Agent Bulldog – With the Pac vs. Fang title match as the co-main, we went with an Evil Administration vs. B.A.R.S. theme for a couple of the undercard matches. So it’s a match between the EA member that First Lady Evil considers dead weight, versus the BARS member that President Evil considers to the the same. It’s Dead Weight Bowl 2022! Yeah!
MATCH 4: Uno Muerte vs. Captain STRUGGLE: Major title implications here, in this match between the two guys Pac beat for his shot. High probability of this being the best match on the card.
MATCH 5: Agent 35 vs. Black Panther Mask – Huh. On one hand, you’ve got a guy who’s emerged as a major main event-level player against a guy who seemingly never wins. But on the other hand, the never-winning guy is a staple-slinging deathmatch ghoul, which is always a wild card in any situation.
MATCH 6: Zippity Duda vs. Screaming Rage Man – This was added at the last minute, like it’s not even listed on most of the posters around town. And it’s such a bad idea. So very, very bad.
Continue reading THE DAILY STRUGGLE #12!(NOTE: This used to be called The STRUGGLE Session, but we realized that was too good a name and will be using it for house shows going forward)
First of all, the biggest story as of late was Tupac Machine’s somewhat turbulent run in Warrior Pro’s G2 Tournament. After a hot (yet controversial) start, scoring wins over La Guerra De Sangre’s Super Mohan and Red Masterson, it ended disappointingly with to two straight losses to Trey Taylor and Jack Gold, thanks in no small part to intervention by President Evil and his Administration. Somehow, this also lead to an interpromotional war between STRUGGLE and La Guerrra, which also ended disappointingly, as a La Guerra vs. B.A.R.S./Evil Administration match ended in a time limit draw.
And in truly inexplicable Evil fashion, rather than participating in the post-show press conference like a normal person, he came back home, waited several weeks, and then clogged up a back hallways at The Vito giving a foul-mouthed and, quite frankly, barely-coherent press conference. Basically, it was a lengthy exercise in his pathological need to screw with people, and this time around, (and thankfully for the rest of us here) he seems to have aimed his personal Chaos Cannon toward the west coast. The following is a partial transcript:
Continue reading THE DAILY STRUGGLE #11
Look, I hate the Prez. We all do. Maybe some of you don’t, but you’re wrong. But at this point, we all have to admit that for the time being, it’s his world, and we just live in it. So he’s pretty much the uncrowned World’s Champion for now. The Korn Demon’s rank may be a little low, seeing as how he’s actually the EWX champion right now. HR6 looked unbeatable for a while, but is seemingly dropping like a rock after pretty much getting embarrassed twice by Black Panther Mask. Hopefully, if and when we get the money situation sorted, we can get an actual belt, even if it will probably end up around the waist of a huge asshole.
Becky is now a two-time champ, even if the second reign comes with a HUGE asterisk. TIGER remains a top contender, but her ranking may be deceiving, with her title rematch exhausted and the rumors about her legendary substance abuse taking a turn for the even worse as of late. Jezebel is the actual top contender right now, and Soccer Ninja looks like a potential superstar, and is moving up like a damn rocket lately.
There is no God, and if there is one, He isn’t on our side, as evidenced by The Evil Administration controlling both the current active singles titles. Jimmy theoretically has a rematch, but seems to have disappeared lately, while Uno Muerte remains solidly put as The Main Dude We Thought Would’ve Been Champ by Now.
The tag titles remain firmly lodged somewhere under a motorcycle seat out on the west coast, but with a title defense set for that big TSLL debut show… someday, that could change… someday. Then again, the Execs seem like huge assholes, so maybe the belts are better off elsewhere? Anyway, the Cokes haven’t been seen since the title loss, which is crazy, seeing as how it went down as an all-time great match, and they had less than normal to be ashamed of. The 46 Defenders have been quietly movin’ on up lately, Bad Religion seems to have fallen on hard times, and the looming specter of Annihilation has to concern pretty much everyone at this point. Also, there’s a pretty mean tag team with that name, too.
For once, the news isn’t completely horrible, as we’re kicking off the new year by actually doing a show, roughly halfway through the month. 2021 was one for the record books, for lack of a better phrase, but now it’s time for:
Well, I’m gonna level with you people: While we are not legally allowed to disclose details of the settlement, the dipshit who drunkenly busted his ass on the ice at WAR PARTY 2021 really did a number on our finances. Furthermore, the search for a new source of funding has had… mixed results, so it’s time for desperately flailing in the dark for ways to keep the doors open. And folks, this one probably hurts worse than Black Wednesday did, because not only are we having to thin the roster once more, but we’re also having to give up a pretty huge chunk of STRUGGLE history.
Continue reading STRUGGLE SESSION #10 – MORE UPHEAVALLook, these are trying times, and sacrifices have had to be made. I don’t really feel like doing a big, fancy intro, so let’s get right to the bloodshed.
Continue reading STRUGGLE SESSION #9 – IT’S BLACK WEDNESDAY
(THE SCENE: The STRUGGLE home office, located in the old Blockbuster next to the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn. STRUGGLE acting president NATE RUGGLE is going over a big stack of invoices and other business-type documents with announcer/interviewer/office lackey MURRAY STADANKOWICZ, executive VP of talent relations/wrestler PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES, as well as wrestler BUSINESS CLOWN, who is there on account of how he’s good at business and all. Strangely and unexpectedly, the news seems to be mostly good.)
BUSINESS CLOWN: …So the county fair people taking the concessions hurt, but we sold a shitload of t-shirts and Gummo’s idea of selling shots of whiskey alongside the t-shirts really paid off.
NATE: …Which was illegal.
CLOWN: Most good business is. And it made enough to pay off the cops and still turn a profit. And it was like 15 degrees, those idiots had to stay warm somehow.
NATE: (shaking his head) So what are we looking at here? Did we break even?
Continue reading TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: THE GANG GOES INTO SUPER CRISIS MODE
