BREAKING NEWS: BIG BIRD MACHINE ATTACKED FOLLOWING WARRIORVERSARY II

(copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, I’m gonna send Rage Man to their office to get back all those free leftover Think Tanks shirts we gave them, by any means necessary – Abdul)

SAN JOSE – Chaos erupted backstage at Warrior Pro Wrestling‘s otherwise wildly successful Warriorversary II show, when visiting regional legend Big Bird Machine was assaulted following his match with Warrior Pro’s Rampage Hunter. Mr. Machine, who wrestles for STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling, an outlaw mudshow located in the South Central Tri-State Area, was delivering a post-match promo when he was attacked by a group of fellow STRUGGLE wrestlers known as The Evil Administration, who were not scheduled to appear. The group is notable for being led by President Evil, a former protege of TSWA legend Governor Justice as well as Big Bird Machine himself, and who was a former Tri-state World Heavyweight champion in STRUGGLE’s original incarnation that ended in 2011. He went on to have decent runs throughout the 2010s in various promotions such as Olive Japan and Neo-One, before repeatedly being fired for behavioral issues and returning to a relaunched STRUGGLE in 2017. Video footage has not been made available of the attack, but the following i a partial transcript:

Continue reading BREAKING NEWS: BIG BIRD MACHINE ATTACKED FOLLOWING WARRIORVERSARY II →

SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #5 REPORT

The SHELTER IN PLACE 2020 Tour ended on a pretty high note, aside from all the goddamn technical glitches. As it stands right now, Twitch streams don’t embed anymore and the show ended up having to get split into a bunch of different videos. Good times, sooo, watch here, and then read the damn report:

PART ONE, PART TWO, PART THREE, PART FOUR

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STRUGGLE SESSION #2!

NEXT SHOW!

STRUGGLE Pro SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #5 is happening soonish, maybe, and the final stop of the non-tour will be a big one, with two (2) new champions crowned, or maybe even three, who knows. Tentative card is as follows:

Yumiko Nakano vs. Junior Grim – Nakano makes her North American debut versus the normal-sized Grim Sister who wears actual wrestling gear and thus shames her family (not really, they love and respect her a great deal).

Team Twizzy vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – The rockin’ party dudes of the 1980s face their dark, twisted 2020s equivalent.

“The New and Improved” Donita Zapata vs. Pam From Human Resources – The unofficial Donita Humiliation Tour begins with the title tournament match that never happened.

El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine vs. Parking Lot Duval – The son of the Tri-State Area’s greatest legend takes on a man of legendary misfortune.

No Police Involvement Championship – The KoЯn Demon (champ) vs. Buff Orpington (falls count anywhere) – The resident hoss of the Fighting Cocks tag team seeks singles gold versus the one guy who didn’t disavow nu-metal by like 2005 or whenever.

YASS KWEENDOM 2020 FINAL Women’s Title match – Zelda Lucabrasi vs. PARTY TIGER – The first STRUGGLE Tri-State World Women’s Champion of the new era will be crowned, where the ultimate underdog takes on some sort of human-sized, inebriated cat.

SUPER C-CUP 2020 FINAL Cruiserweight Title Match – Uno Muerte vs. Rodimus Primo – The STRUGGLE Tri-State World Cruiserweight Championship will be decided between a man with a crippling fear of death and a dude apparently obsessed with a cartoon from before he was born.

MORE AFTER THE JUMP

THE STRUGGLE SESSION! #1

This was a thing we used to do back when we still had TV, where we’d hype up the next show by getting the talent to stand in front of a big STRUGGLE logo backdrop thing (or a brick wall with an inexplicably-placed chain link fence in front of it, or just going to their home unannounced) and talk shit about each other. It did good business and looked good on TV, so when someone found the backdrop out back, (and cleaned the bird shit off of it) we decided to make a new edition of the the STRUGGLE Session for the upcoming SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #4 show. Of course, as always, the camera that got used was the one that Buddy From the Ring Crew had put a big Post-It note on saying “BROKEN – DO NOT USE,” and since everyone here is an idiot, the footage ended up being a bunch of purple blobs. So as always, there’s nothing but a transcript we managed to put together. Anyway, I know the average wrestling fan can’t read, but maybe someone will get something out of what we salvaged – Abdul

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: A RELIGIOUS CONFERENCE

(NOTE: Due to the incredibly timely nature of this post, it’s necessary to point out that this all pertains to the events of SHELTER IN PLACE #3. Also, there were reports of some weird visual glitches, almost as though this all took place on a heavily-modded video game, but that is FAKE NEWS from the failing Wrestling Observer.)

(Backstage, DOCTOR REVEREND BILLY WAYNE HUMBLE has just defeated TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX with a timely assist from the team of FATHER MAYHEM and RABBI SPIKE, aka the tag team of BAD RELIGION. The entirety of HUMBLE MINISTRIES is there, with SISTER CANDY supervising as BROTHER SMOTHERS and SISTER DOBALINA load up the few remaining bottles of HUMBLE’S MIRACLE ELIXIR for transport back to the van, and Humble himself goes over the night’s receipts and packs away a substantial amount of cash. As Candy and Dobalina make their way outside, the two members of BAD RELIGION approach.)

BILLY WAYNE HUMBLE: (moving quickly to close the cash box and pass it off to SMOTHERS, who exits the scene, before breaking into a huge smile and going into full snake oil salesman mode) Why hello there, my brothers! As we have not had a proper introduction, allow me to introduce myself, I am the right honorable Doctor Reverend-

RABBI SPIKE: Ve know, ya putz. And I am thinking you know us, too.

FATHER MAYHEM: Gotta say, “Doctor Reverend,” this is a helluva operation you got here. Sure would be a shame if something were to… happen to it. (picks up a bottle of elixir and cracks open the seal, taking a sniff and immediately recoiling in disgust)

HUMBLE: (indignantly snatches the bottle out of Spike’s hand) Excuse me, but that is a very expensive medicinal preparation. And I do not appreciate your tone, my good sir. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that sounded like a threat.

Read more AFTER THE JUMP, YA SCHMUCK

SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #3 REPORT

Watch THE GANG SHELTERS IN PLACE #3 – Blood and Vengeance from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv

A lot went wrong, but a couple things went right, too? We have an actual champion crowned, and we’re getting dangerously close to having two more. Watch the video, then read about what you saw below.

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SHELTER IN PLace Tour #2 REPORT

Watch Highlight: THE GANG SHELTERS IN PLACE #2 – Tournament Stuff and SO MUCH BLOOD from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv

The second night of our non-tour didn’t exactly go as planned, but no one died, at least. I mean, at least one guy almost died, but close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, you know? anyway, go watch that there video up there, which isn’t going away until Twitch goes away, then read words below, or through a link below, or however the hell it works.

IT’S ALL PAST THIS POINT

Invisible Backstage Camera Transcript: Donita Explains it All

BACKSTAGE at the Vito Genovese Center. DONITA ZAPATA, having been assaulted during a match once again by THE PHANTOM ROCKER, broods on a folding chair, just outside the locker room. STRUGGLE President NATE RUGGLE and head booker UNCLE ABDUL approach. RANDOM WORDS are CAPITALIZED, because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that BEFORE on a picture of a movie SCRIPT, and I honestly don’t know HOW this WORKS.

NATE: Donita, Abdul and I have some concerns about-

DONITA: Go away, I don’t wanna talk about it.

NATE: Look, you have to understand, it’s my responsibility to-

DONITA: (angrily) It’s none of your fucking business, Nate.

NATE: (annoyed) Yeah, well that’s the thing, it keeps happening in my wrestling ring, during shows I’m promoting, involving my employees, so it is my business. Like literally the business which is mine.

DONITA: (just sort of frowns silently)

NATE: So really, you have to understand my position here, what I need to know is-

ABDUL: Seriously, Donita, what the fuck!?

Continue reading Invisible Backstage Camera Transcript: Donita Explains it All →

NEWS AND NOTES FOR APRIL 19

First of all, Shelter in Place Tour #1 was a pretty emphatic success for us, which is a rare occurrence, and as far as we can tell, no one got any diseases they didn’t already have. I guess we’ll know for sure in like 12-14 days, though. As always, cards are subject to change, but here’s the tentative card for #2, which is going to happen… eventually… at some point. Yeah.

  • Super C-Cup 2020: Jackson Victory vs. Uno Muerte
  • Yass Kweendom 2020: Lorelei Grim vs. Virginia Slams
  • Super C-Cup 2020: Radical Jeremy vs. Tupac Machine
  • Yass Kweendom 2020: Pam From Human Resources vs. Donita Zapata
  • Yass Kweendom 2020: Agent Bulldog vs. Yumiko La Grange
  • FIRST TIME ON NORTH AMERICAN SOIL IN OVER TWENTY YEARS: Kazushi Maeda vs. Ugly, Stupid Bob
  • Decline of Western Civilzation: Toxic Walt vs. Screaming Rage Man (Million-Billion Light tubes Deathmatch)
  • Decline of Western Civilzation: Pitbull Van Scorpio vs. The Korn Demon (Million-Billion Light tubes Deathmatch)

As you can see, we’re really trying to plow through these title tournaments, especially after the deathmatch title one has literally been going on for like a year now. An announcement about a tag tournament is coming soon, but we still don’t have a physical world title belt in hand. Which is sad, but what can you do.

Also of note is that Kaz Maeda is finally making his STRUGGLE debut. The whole COVID-19 is kinda fucking with international travel, so the STRUGGLE/Hyper Pro Wrestling MOSES talent exchange isn’t really going as planned. Maeda and Toshiyo Nakano are safely here in the South Central Tri-State Area, but Sargent MOSES and Dai Chungus had some delays with translators and visas, and by the time they got their shit together, no flights were happening. So if they ever show up here, it probably won’t be any time this year. On our end, none of our people made it out of the country in time, so this ended up being a one-sided deal so far. Also, Stormy Knight is fucking pissed, because she gave up her spot in the women’s title tournament for this.

Meanwhile, Crawdad Hoshino… I don’t know what to say there. Maeda and Nakano made their own arrangements, as they both speak enough English to handle their own business here, but Crawdad seemed to insist that she knows more of the language than she actually does, and well… We do know that she’s somewhere in the continental United States, but that’s about it. We get occasional phone calls from her updating the situation, but we honestly have no fucking idea where she is. She’s doing some weird shit where she’s refusing to speak Japanese or listen to anyone who does, so the most that anyone’s been able to get out of her was the she is “very toaster.” no one knows what that means, but she sounded really happy about it, I guess.

The last show was light on injuries, but Hoda Duda-Day has some neck soreness after Bulldog dropped her on her head, and will probably sit out a show or two, but it’s no biggie.

Concerning pre-existing conditions, Skip Legday is almost 100% after Garfield Vanzetti smooshed his balls with a steel-toed boot. No word on the exact timetable for his return, but it probably won’t be too long. I would ask you to offer thoughts and prayers for Vanzetti, but fuck him.

Immortan Jimmy remains comatose and still shows no brain activity after nine years, so the cruiserweight title #1 contender is considered day-to-day.

As for Ricky Coke, who has been out for about a year after Crash Ferrari broke his neck, there have been no updates, honestly. But there is a recently-leaked video of him doing lines directly off the ass of a well-respected Bolivian Instagram influencer, (not linking to it, pervs) which seems to suggest that he’s just fine and will probably show back up whenever she figures out that his dad cut him and Ross off years ago, and that he’s flat broke. Hopefully this happens soon, because Ross’s cocaine psychosis has been completely out of control lately, and he could use the positive influence of his somewhat less cocaine-psychotic brother.