Tag Archives: president evil

THE DAILY STRUGGLE #13!

STRUGGLE’s resident innocent little snuggy bear, President Evil, was back at it over the weekend, leading a full-scale assault on Doc Wyatt after his successful title defense at Warrior Pro/Dragon Fire Japan‘s joint New Year’s Gold event. This is pretty much standard procedure for the pirck at this point, but what was odd was that Becky was there doing henchperson work, which is something she rarely (never) does, and Agent Bulldog was nowhere to be seen, when she’s usually the Prez’s evil little sidekick, throwing more gas on the speculation that First Lady Evil is getting ready to kick her out of the Administration. Also odd was that Evil seemed to be completely healthy and moving with ease, when the most recent reports were that he was still laying around in a neck brace and flip-flops, eating meatball sammiches and listening to Kenny Loggins. Eh, I guess he was just screwing with us. Again. Anyway, the theoretically-reunited Jackson Hole Outlaws saved the day, (such as it was – Doc vs. Evil is still one of those “no matter who wins, we lose” situations) and fans of both STRUGGLE and Warrior Pro should probably be monitoring the situation closely.

MORE NEWS AFTER THE JUMP

A VERY EVIL CHRISTMAS

“Hello out there, friends. Your old pal President Evil here, having a nice glass of egg nog next to a roaring fire, soon to settle down for a long winter’s nap. And let’s be honest, I know what you’re all thinking out there: ‘Gee Mister Prez, this seems out of character for an irredeemable monster.’ to which I say this is absolute piffle! Look, I know my reputation, and I realize that as the cervical collar may indicate, the Administration has had a run of bad luck lately, but It’s Christmas! The best, holly-est, jolliest time of the year! It’s a celebration of family and togetherness, as well as the birth of our lord and savior, Christ Jesus, through which all or redeemed. You know, all of that bullshit. But most of all, it’s time to celebrate the spirit of giving! And that’s why I’ve put together a selection of the finest gifts for my pals at STRUGGLE and beyond!”

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TALES OF THE INTERNATIONAL OMNIPRESENT CAMERA!

SAN JOSE, CA: Outside a local hospital, STRUGGLE PRO‘s resident team of antagonists, THE EVIL ADMINISTRATION, are gathered to assess their current situation after a pretty disastrous month, and/or wait for a taxi back to their hotel. Following a sudden, humiliating, and injurious defeat to WARRIOR PRO World Champion DOC WYATT, a neckbrace-clad STRUGGLE final boss PRESIDENT EVIL is suddenly facing unexpected downtime, while everyone else is just bummed to be here, after only finding out a day before the event that seconds were banned from ringside.

PRESIDENT EVIL: I can’t believe this shit. This is a fuckin’ disaster. This was supposed to start the Year of Evil! I was going to get shirts made and all that shit! We should be heading home right now, with all of STRUGGLE’s singles titles, plus the world belt from this fuckin’ place… Instead, you idiots lost your titles, and then… Ugh, that little fucker, and his fuckin’ Diamond Cutter…

On sale now…?
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WELCOME TO HELL

(The camera fades in from black, with a shot of a television in a dark room, showing footage of the infamous tag team championship match between the Think Tanks and the team of Big Bird Machine and then STRUGGLE World Heavyweight Champion Ace La Grange. With the voice of the late, great Tri-State Area legend Gunther Buckshank calling the action, it appears as though Bird and Ace are about to win the match and the titles, but just as Ace hoists Think Tank X up for his Royal Flush finishing move, Think Tanks manager Brain God, The Calculation Master frantically motions toward the back, and on cue, the gigantic Think Tank Z storms the ring. Chaos ensues, as the match devolves into a three-on-two beatdown, or considering the terrifying nature of Think Tank Z, effectively something like five-on-two.)

“Ladieth and Gentlemanth, dith ith a travethty! Ol’ Guth is callin’ for da bell, but Think Tank Z ith on a damn rampage, and the world’th champion ith in a bad way! Thumbody needth to do thumthin’!”

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: An evil epilogue

(THE SCENE: In the dressing room next to the sauna at the Abandoned Pines Retirement Home after Fall Forward #2, several members of the Evil Administration reflect on a blisteringly unsuccessful day at the office. BECKY WITH THE EVIL HAIR, having recently become an ex-champion for the second time, has had an extreme reaction to failure, pacing back and forth, angrily kicking and tossing anything she can find, and generally trashing the place. Meanwhile, AGENT BULLDOG seems calm and relaxed, partially because she won her match, and partially because emotions are kind of rare for her. AGENT 35 is in a similar state, but mostly because he just doesn’t give a shit. Freshly-uncrowned former Cruiserweight Champion AGENT FANG is despondent, sulking on a bench, and staring at a “number 2 guy around here” t-shirt that had been made to commemorate his title win, before wadding it up and throwing it across the room.)

FANG: Well, I guess those can go on clearance now…

ON SALE NOW! (but I’d wait for them to go on clearance)

AGENT 35: Yep, tough break there, my dude. Of course, my shirts can still run free, all thanks to the blessings of lowered expectations.

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA! Missed Connections

(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo Training Complex, where in addition to the theoretical stars of tomorrow literally learning the ropes, the stars of today (but mostly yesterday) make use of the facilities throughout the day to stay sharp between shows. It’s open 24 hours a day, not so much by design as because Ol’ Ross Gracie always forgets to lock the place up when he leaves. At an ungodly early hour, two wrestlers have the place all to themselves: Disgraced-and-then-somewhat-re-graced former world’s champion ACE LA GRANGE and his unwitting protege, the size-impaired ZIPPITY DUDA, who is seemingly being forced to run back and forth between the ropes until he dies.)

ACE: C’mon, Zip! You’re draggin’ ass out there, brother!

ZIP: (breathing extremely hard) Because I’ve been doing this forever! And you stopped ten minutes ago!

ACE: Seniority, brother! I set my own pace.

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THE DAILY STRUGGLE #11

(NOTE: This used to be called The STRUGGLE Session, but we realized that was too good a name and will be using it for house shows going forward)

First of all, the biggest story as of late was Tupac Machine’s somewhat turbulent run in Warrior Pro’s G2 Tournament. After a hot (yet controversial) start, scoring wins over La Guerra De Sangre’s Super Mohan and Red Masterson, it ended disappointingly with to two straight losses to Trey Taylor and Jack Gold, thanks in no small part to intervention by President Evil and his Administration. Somehow, this also lead to an interpromotional war between STRUGGLE and La Guerrra, which also ended disappointingly, as a La Guerra vs. B.A.R.S./Evil Administration match ended in a time limit draw.

And in truly inexplicable Evil fashion, rather than participating in the post-show press conference like a normal person, he came back home, waited several weeks, and then clogged up a back hallways at The Vito giving a foul-mouthed and, quite frankly, barely-coherent press conference. Basically, it was a lengthy exercise in his pathological need to screw with people, and this time around, (and thankfully for the rest of us here) he seems to have aimed his personal Chaos Cannon toward the west coast. The following is a partial transcript:

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WAR PARTY 2021 RESULTS!

The first major pay-per-view esque show since STRUGGLE’s relaunch is in the books, and despite the El Pendejo weather phenomenon bringing us snow showers in June, (don’t worry, it was 78 and sunny the next day) it went off without a hitch, or at least with very few. Scores were settled, titles exchanged hands and somehow, no one was killed. Check out the VOD right here, then come back and read about how you should feel about it. I know I say this every time, but I’d love to just embed video, except that either Twitch or WordPress is hopelessly broken. Maybe both? Who can say. anyway, full show report after the jump.

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: MASTERS AND APPRENTICES

(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo training facility, out on the edge of town, right past where the old Walmart (the one full of feral dogs) is located. The makeshift tag team of SKIP LEGDAY and CAPTAIN STRUGGLE have come here seeking advice on their upcoming WAR PARTY 2021 match from veteran OL’ ROSS GRACIE, but he is nowhere to be found. Extremely loud snoring can be heard from behind the door to Hoss’s office, and it is extremely awkward.)

SKIP: Soooo… Uhh… Do you think we should leave, or…?

STRUGGLE: Five more minutes.

SKIP: Bro, you said that five minutes ago.

STRUGGLE: I drive fifteen minutes to get here, we wait another five.

SKIP: I dunno, maybe we could just leave for a while and come back or something. It’s a thousand degrees in here.

STRUGGLE: Hoss say it build character. Allegedly.

SKIP: Well, I’m at least gonna go outside for a minute.

STRUGGLE: Hm. Probably a good idea.

(The two turn around and start to leave, when all of a sudden, the office doors fly open, and OL’ ROSS GRACIE appears, brandishing a double barreled shotgun.)

HOSS: ALRIGHT YA GODDAMN BUSHWACKIN’ RATTLESNAKE MOTHERFUCKERS! TRYIN’ TO ROB OL’ HOSS ARE YA? I’M GONNA FILL YOUR HIDES SO FULL O’ LEAD, YOU’RE GONNA SHIT PELLETS FOR A WEEK!

SKIP: HOSS! Stop, it’s us!

STRUGGLE: (Yells something in Japanese that I couldn’t decipher, due to being extremely monolingual, but based on my knowledge of body language and tonality, it was just filled to the brim with cusses)

HOSS: What? Aw hell, sorry boys. Ol’ Hoss ain’t got his glasses on. I remember y’all. Scoop Lindsey and his young son, Colonel SANDERS, right?

PICTURED: Colonel Harlan Sanders.

SKIP: Bro! You could’ve killed us both!

HOSS: What? Aw bullshit, this thing ain’t even loaded!

(HOSS pumps his shotgun several times, ejecting a shell onto the dojo’s dirt floor every time.)

HOSS: Huh. Well whaddaya know? Anyways, important part is that it ain’t loaded now, at least. I think. Anywho, what brings you two here?

MEANWHILE…

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