Tag Archives: the phantom rocker

WEEKENDS AT THE HOSS DOJO: Social Media Training

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO BE A PRO WRESTLER? DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO STEP IN THE RING WITH A LIVING LEGEND? CAN YOU GET $1500 TOGETHER BY FRIDAY? THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME A SUPERSTAR OF TOMORROW IN OL’ ROSS GRACIE’S INFAMOUS HOSS DOJO!

A large group of trainees gathered in front of the Hoss Dojo at dawn, just as they were instructed to do, but of course, no one let them in the building for another three hours. There were murmurings from a few new hopefuls that this was one of those old school wrestling tests; an attempt to weed out the weak by making them stand in freezing temperatures. The established trainees all knew what the deal was, though: Ol’ Ross Gracie and the day’s assistant trainers always parked out back and went through the rear entrance, Hoss had forgotten they were going to be there that early, and as such had also forgotten to unlock the door. Meanwhile, this was a day where Ace La Grange and Donita Zapata were his assistant trainers, and while Ace had genuinely forgotten about the locked front door, Donita more than likely remembered, but just didn’t care. In the meantime, Ace expressed concern for Donita and the broken neck she had suffered in a match just days earlier.

“Donita… Brother… Should you even be here?”

“What? It’s not like I’m gonna be one of the ones that gets thrown around today.”

“I know, I know… Brother, it’s just that shit’s no joke, you know?”

“Yeah, well…. I’m about to be out of work for a fuckin’ year, Ace. I’m not passing up an opportunity for a hundred bucks.”

Ace sighed sadly. “Yeah, I been there before, brother. I guess it should be okay today, though. Supposedly, we’re just going over some social media policy nonsense for most of today, anyway. I guess Nate and those guys don’t want people embarrassing the company over the Myspaces or whatever.”

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE EVERYWHERE CAMERA: TALES FROM THE TRI-STATE AREA

(THE SCENE: Outside the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn, THE PHANTOM ROCKER approaches her car – a sweet 1987 IROC-Z. After she unlocks the door and prepares to get inside, she hears a familiar, angry voice…)

DONITA: HEY!

(ROCKER turns around to see her alleged older sister DONITA ZAPATA.(“alleged” sister, as in confirming such things would reveal a masked wrestler’s identity, which is illegal – but c’mon, that’s totally what the deal is) DONITA is conspicuously wearing her own early 90s-esque clothing, as opposed to the glam rock themed stuff she was forced to wear as a result of losing the “Hair Metal vs. Mask” match a while back)

ROCKER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing!?

(DONITA angrily shoves a piece of paper into ROCKER’s hands)

ROCKER: Wait… What is…

DONITA: It’s from the Tri-State Area Athletic Commission. And it’s says that you can fuck off, Lita.

ROCKER: But-but-but-

DONITA: A lucha de apuestas contract can’t be open-ended, unless it’s a mask or a loser-leaves-town situation, and how long I had to wear that bullshit was never specified. Add in your abuse of the situation, all your goddamn Skittles or whatever, and the commission ruled that- like I said – you can fuck right off.

ROCKER: So… Are you just going to…

DONITA: What!?

ROCKER: Well… I mean… I just thought that…

DONITA: Lita, if you are about to tell that you had hoped this would be bring us together or some shit, don’t bother. I am fucking done with you. Congratulations.

(ROCKER, looking like she’s on the verge of tears, angrily throws the car door open, gets inside, and starts the engine. DONITA smugly looks on, then starts to turn around, before being interrupted)

ROCKER: I guess you’ve got a point, Donita. I mean, being forced by someone from your own family to look and act a certain way against your will? Why, that must have been awful.

(ROCKER guns the engine, recklessly backs out of her spot, and tears ass out of the parking lot, squealing tires and throwing rocks and shit everywhere. DONITA just stands and stares as she drives off, suddenly with a very distraught look on her face)

MEANWHILE…

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HOUSE SHOW 26 RESULTS!

MATCH #1: Velveeta Dream defeated Soccer Ninja in 16:18 with the Liquid Gold Lock

Nerd Rating: 80% ⭐⭐⭐

This was Soccer Ninja’s main roster debut, as well as Dream’s debut, period. Ninja’s been kind if a killer in limited action so far, but obviously Dream didn’t notice, because she was cocky as hell in this one, en route to the submission victory. Still don’t understand how she’s not like 450 pounds though, given her diet.

MATCH #2: Hogarth the Unyielding defeated Big Dick Fuchs in 18:35 with an avalanche power slam

Nerd Rating: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐

HOSS FIGHT! This is real wrestling, the way it was when I was little, and it brings a tear to the eye. Just two big, sweaty men, slappin’ meat. Hogarth finished this in pretty brutal fashion with a top-rope slam, and I literally don’t think Fuchs has won a match yet, even if he was impressive here.

MATCH #3: Trondheim Troy defeated Zippity Duda in 6:13 with Nocturno Stompo

Nerd Rating: 66% ⭐ 1/2⭐

Wow. Heading into the Super C Cup tournament, Zippity was undefeated, and it’s looking more and more like a fluke lately. This was an ass-whipping. Just a brutal, one-sided, scar-you-for-life squash. Speaking of which, after the match, Troy just whipped out a fork and started stabbing him in the head. It was fucked up, but so is Troy.

MATCH #4: Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble defeated Parking Lot Duval in 26:25 with Casting Out the Demons

Nerd Rating: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐

Of the three regular refs we use,, Brown Shoes is the youngest and least experienced, and it really showed here. She lost control of this one completely, and Humble almost definitely won as a result, escaping a pin and Duval’s Backseat Nap finisher with the Ministry providing distraction. Then again, Gus is like three-quarters blind and Referoth is a nihilist, so who’s to say it would’ve been any different otherwise. Misfortune continues to pile up for poor, cursed Duval.

MATCH #5: Toxic Walt and Kazushi Maeda fought to a 30 minute time limit draw

Nerd Rating: 80% ⭐⭐⭐

This was one no one saw coming. Walt is a bad man, obviously, but Kaz is a fuckin’ human buzzsaw, even in his fifties. This is a man who’s held at least three different companies’ versions of the world title that I can think of, beating people like Mitsuhide Hikawa, Buffalo Amamoto, and President Evil (Olive Japan in 2014, kids. Look it up) in the process. So I’m gonna say once again that Walt needs to drop the hardcore nonsense and go legit, because he can clearly hang with actual top wrestlers. Just needs to fully commit.

MATCH #6: Pitbull Van Scorpio and Agent 35 fought to a 30 minute time limit draw in a streetfight

Nerd Rating: 64% ⭐

This match killed my faith in humanity, or at least it would have if I still had any. Just two maniacs turning the arena into a river of blood, and rarely actually trying to win in the process. Gonna guess this doesn’t get either guy a title shot in the next “open challenge.” Fuckin’ Unity. The Ratings Nerds hated this match, and I’m guessing it just kinda broke their spirits.

MATCH #7: Yumiko La Grange defeated The Phantom Rocker in 6:44 with a cross kneebreaker

Nerd Rating: 78% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐

God damn. The Rocker came ready to fight, and was just zipping all over the place, and it didn’t matter. When she’s on top of her game, that’s just kind of how it goes with Yumiko La Grange, though. You can throw everything at her, even literally picking shit up and throwing it, and it just doesn’t matter. A funny part was how Rocker’s whole thing is being a high-flyer, but Yumiko was the one doing all the damn moonsaults, like she was just kind of rubbing her nose in the inevitable.

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!

(THE PHANTOM ROCKER limps backstage, where a still fully glammed-up-against-her-will DONITA ZAPATA is waiting.)

DONITA:  Hahaha, holy shit, you just got stomped out there!

ROCKER: (frowns) Stop it.

DONITA: She just fuckin’ grabbed you, and you were all ‘nooooo, my knee, I give uuupppp because I’m suuuch a puuussyyyy, waaaahhh!’

ROCKER: Shut up!

DONITA: Hahaha, oh man, and she just kneed you in the face so many times, and you couldn’t do shit about it, hahahahaha, it was great!

ROCKER: You know, according to the terms of the match contract, you have to keep dressing like that until I say you can stop.

DONITA: Well, what does that say about you if this a punishment, then? These are your fuckin’ clothes.

ROCKER: Yeah, well, when you wear them, you just look like a dipshit. I make this look good. Everybody knows I was always the hot one.

DONITA: Pfft. Bullshit. See this? (pointing at her head) It’s naturally blonde. This shit has powers your mouse-brown ass will never understand.

ROCKER: Oh, whatever.

(YUMIKO LA GRANGE walks by with her entrance robe folded under her arm, then stops and turns back toward the two)

YUMIKO: For the record? You both look like fucking idiots. You are welcome.

(YUMIKO walks off, and ROCKER and DONITA just kind of sheepishly look at the ground for a second.)

DONITA: Told ya so.

ROCKER: God damn it.

MATCH #8: Hapsburg Raytheon VI defeated Manchoma the Randy Savage in 21:46 with the Leveraged Takeover

Nerd Rating: 84% ⭐⭐⭐

It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you, gentle STRUGGLE fan, that HR6 actually is good at this, and we might not get to see him stomped into dust any time soon. It breaks the heart, it really does. It’s a tough loss for Manchoma to be sure, but I’m sure he’ll find some small consolation in the arms of at least half of y’all’s wives. Oh don’t look at me like that, the man is a fuckin’ hound.

THE STRUGGLE SESSION! #1

This was a thing we used to do back when we still had TV, where we’d hype up the next show by getting the talent to stand in front of a big STRUGGLE logo backdrop thing (or a brick wall with an inexplicably-placed chain link fence in front of it, or just going to their home unannounced) and talk shit about each other. It did good business and looked good on TV, so when someone found the backdrop out back, (and cleaned the bird shit off of it) we decided to make a new edition of the the STRUGGLE Session for the upcoming SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #4 show. Of course, as always, the camera that got used was the one that Buddy From the Ring Crew had put a big Post-It note on saying “BROKEN – DO NOT USE,” and since everyone here is an idiot, the footage ended up being a bunch of purple blobs. So as always, there’s nothing but a transcript we managed to put together. Anyway, I know the average wrestling fan can’t read, but maybe someone will get something out of what we salvaged – Abdul

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Invisible Backstage Camera Transcript: Donita Explains it All

BACKSTAGE at the Vito Genovese Center. DONITA ZAPATA, having been assaulted during a match once again by THE PHANTOM ROCKER, broods on a folding chair, just outside the locker room. STRUGGLE President NATE RUGGLE and head booker UNCLE ABDUL approach. RANDOM WORDS are CAPITALIZED, because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that BEFORE on a picture of a movie SCRIPT, and I honestly don’t know HOW this WORKS.

NATE: Donita, Abdul and I have some concerns about-

DONITA: Go away, I don’t wanna talk about it.

NATE: Look, you have to understand, it’s my responsibility to-

DONITA: (angrily) It’s none of your fucking business, Nate.

NATE: (annoyed) Yeah, well that’s the thing, it keeps happening in my wrestling ring, during shows I’m promoting, involving my employees, so it is my business. Like literally the business which is mine.

DONITA: (just sort of frowns silently)

NATE: So really, you have to understand my position here, what I need to know is-

ABDUL: Seriously, Donita, what the fuck!?

Continue reading Invisible Backstage Camera Transcript: Donita Explains it All →