This show results post is about nine years late, so let’s all just go watch the show so we can remember what happened, then come back here to take a look back at one of STRUGGLE’s best ever nights in terms of nerdy match ratings and one of our worst in terms of hideous, bloody violence. Good times.
Continue reading NO ESCAPE 2023 RESULTS!Tag Archives: jezebel grim
THE DAILY STRUGGLE #13A, I GUESS? 14, WE’LL JUST SAY 14.
Here at STRUGGLE, we know what our audience wants, and that’s hard-hitting pro wrestling action. So here’s some news, notes, and other wordy things. First off, the question that’s been burning up all the Facebooks and Reddits and message boards and magazines and newsletters and Usenet and the BBSes and Tout:
Where in the World is Garfield Vanzetti?
click here or stay in suspense
THE DAILY STRUGGLE #13!
STRUGGLE’s resident innocent little snuggy bear, President Evil, was back at it over the weekend, leading a full-scale assault on Doc Wyatt after his successful title defense at Warrior Pro/Dragon Fire Japan‘s joint New Year’s Gold event. This is pretty much standard procedure for the pirck at this point, but what was odd was that Becky was there doing henchperson work, which is something she rarely (never) does, and Agent Bulldog was nowhere to be seen, when she’s usually the Prez’s evil little sidekick, throwing more gas on the speculation that First Lady Evil is getting ready to kick her out of the Administration. Also odd was that Evil seemed to be completely healthy and moving with ease, when the most recent reports were that he was still laying around in a neck brace and flip-flops, eating meatball sammiches and listening to Kenny Loggins. Eh, I guess he was just screwing with us. Again. Anyway, the theoretically-reunited Jackson Hole Outlaws saved the day, (such as it was – Doc vs. Evil is still one of those “no matter who wins, we lose” situations) and fans of both STRUGGLE and Warrior Pro should probably be monitoring the situation closely.
MORE NEWS AFTER THE JUMP
FALL FORWARD #2 RESULTS!
We actually ran another show, and did so at great risk to our reputation by doing so in a goddamn retirement home. But fuck it, the gate was good, we got a few absolute classics out of the deal, and hahaha, oh man, it was a terrible night for the Evil Administration. As always, you know the drill, watch the show, or be a lazy ass and just read how you feel about it below.
reading more is fundamental
THE DAILY STRUGGLE #12!
The first big news item for you people is that yes, we are indeed running another show soon. It’s a shock, I know, but seriously, it’s happened before, and it may even happen again. Now, a preview:
DARK MATCHES: So dark, very match-like.
MATCH 1: Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti vs. Twilight Princess Zelda: The official debut of Zelda Lucabrasi going through a phase most people go through in junior high. Whoever wins, I’m sure Patience will be very upset, and I’ll have to hear about it.
MATCH 2: The Turd Boyz vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – Because sometimes, you just gotta add a random match. Also, there was no First Class Family representation on the card, and Johnny San Diego bitched at me all week after the initial announcement, which I guess is a good argument for wrestlers getting managers.
MATCH 3: Junior Grim vs. Agent Bulldog – With the Pac vs. Fang title match as the co-main, we went with an Evil Administration vs. B.A.R.S. theme for a couple of the undercard matches. So it’s a match between the EA member that First Lady Evil considers dead weight, versus the BARS member that President Evil considers to the the same. It’s Dead Weight Bowl 2022! Yeah!
MATCH 4: Uno Muerte vs. Captain STRUGGLE: Major title implications here, in this match between the two guys Pac beat for his shot. High probability of this being the best match on the card.
MATCH 5: Agent 35 vs. Black Panther Mask – Huh. On one hand, you’ve got a guy who’s emerged as a major main event-level player against a guy who seemingly never wins. But on the other hand, the never-winning guy is a staple-slinging deathmatch ghoul, which is always a wild card in any situation.
MATCH 6: Zippity Duda vs. Screaming Rage Man – This was added at the last minute, like it’s not even listed on most of the posters around town. And it’s such a bad idea. So very, very bad.
Continue reading THE DAILY STRUGGLE #12!
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA! Missed Connections
(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo Training Complex, where in addition to the theoretical stars of tomorrow literally learning the ropes, the stars of today (but mostly yesterday) make use of the facilities throughout the day to stay sharp between shows. It’s open 24 hours a day, not so much by design as because Ol’ Ross Gracie always forgets to lock the place up when he leaves. At an ungodly early hour, two wrestlers have the place all to themselves: Disgraced-and-then-somewhat-re-graced former world’s champion ACE LA GRANGE and his unwitting protege, the size-impaired ZIPPITY DUDA, who is seemingly being forced to run back and forth between the ropes until he dies.)
ACE: C’mon, Zip! You’re draggin’ ass out there, brother!
ZIP: (breathing extremely hard) Because I’ve been doing this forever! And you stopped ten minutes ago!
ACE: Seniority, brother! I set my own pace.
Continue reading TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA! Missed Connections
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: Pain Management, Corporate Takeovers, and That Other Thing
(THE SCENE: Shortly after the events of the previous episode, In the back yard of the suburban home of STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling legend YUMIKO LA GRANGE, where she and teammate JEZEBEL GRIM lounge at poolside. The ground is scattered with the spent plastic remnants of at least a dozen Otter Pops, “Police in Helicopter” by John Holt can be heard coming from a late 1990s-vintage portable boombox, and while official Invisible Backstage Camera policy discourages exposing wrestlers engaging in illegal activity, there is what is clearly a big ol’ blunt resting in an empty flower pot conveniently placed nearby, and it is fairly obvious that the two are high as fuck, you guys.)
JEZEBEL: Man, I just thought of something crazy…
YUMIKO: Oh god.
JEZEBEL: No, like… There’s been a lot of sexy-ass people in the world, right?
YUMIKO: Dozens, one would assume.
JEZEBEL: Like, you know, there’s been Sean Connery, and Marilyn Monroe, and like, fuckin’ Denzel…
YUMIKO: Right.
JEZEBEL: And you know, fuckin… Elvis and Brad Pitt, and Flo from those Progressive commercials…
YUMIKO: An unexpected choice, but I can see it.
JEZEBEL: And like, fuckin’… What’s his name, the dude that played Captain America…
YUMIKO: Chris Evans. Is there a point to all of this?
Continue reading TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: Pain Management, Corporate Takeovers, and That Other Thing
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE EVERYWHERE CAMERA: TALES FROM THE TRI-STATE AREA
(THE SCENE: Outside the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn, THE PHANTOM ROCKER approaches her car – a sweet 1987 IROC-Z. After she unlocks the door and prepares to get inside, she hears a familiar, angry voice…)
DONITA: HEY!
(ROCKER turns around to see her alleged older sister DONITA ZAPATA.(“alleged” sister, as in confirming such things would reveal a masked wrestler’s identity, which is illegal – but c’mon, that’s totally what the deal is) DONITA is conspicuously wearing her own early 90s-esque clothing, as opposed to the glam rock themed stuff she was forced to wear as a result of losing the “Hair Metal vs. Mask” match a while back)
ROCKER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing!?
(DONITA angrily shoves a piece of paper into ROCKER’s hands)
ROCKER: Wait… What is…
DONITA: It’s from the Tri-State Area Athletic Commission. And it’s says that you can fuck off, Lita.
ROCKER: But-but-but-
DONITA: A lucha de apuestas contract can’t be open-ended, unless it’s a mask or a loser-leaves-town situation, and how long I had to wear that bullshit was never specified. Add in your abuse of the situation, all your goddamn Skittles or whatever, and the commission ruled that- like I said – you can fuck right off.
ROCKER: So… Are you just going to…
DONITA: What!?
ROCKER: Well… I mean… I just thought that…
DONITA: Lita, if you are about to tell that you had hoped this would be bring us together or some shit, don’t bother. I am fucking done with you. Congratulations.
(ROCKER, looking like she’s on the verge of tears, angrily throws the car door open, gets inside, and starts the engine. DONITA smugly looks on, then starts to turn around, before being interrupted)
ROCKER: I guess you’ve got a point, Donita. I mean, being forced by someone from your own family to look and act a certain way against your will? Why, that must have been awful.
(ROCKER guns the engine, recklessly backs out of her spot, and tears ass out of the parking lot, squealing tires and throwing rocks and shit everywhere. DONITA just stands and stares as she drives off, suddenly with a very distraught look on her face)
MEANWHILE…
Continue reading TALES OF THE INVISIBLE EVERYWHERE CAMERA: TALES FROM THE TRI-STATE AREA
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: MASTERS AND APPRENTICES
(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo training facility, out on the edge of town, right past where the old Walmart (the one full of feral dogs) is located. The makeshift tag team of SKIP LEGDAY and CAPTAIN STRUGGLE have come here seeking advice on their upcoming WAR PARTY 2021 match from veteran OL’ ROSS GRACIE, but he is nowhere to be found. Extremely loud snoring can be heard from behind the door to Hoss’s office, and it is extremely awkward.)
SKIP: Soooo… Uhh… Do you think we should leave, or…?
STRUGGLE: Five more minutes.
SKIP: Bro, you said that five minutes ago.
STRUGGLE: I drive fifteen minutes to get here, we wait another five.
SKIP: I dunno, maybe we could just leave for a while and come back or something. It’s a thousand degrees in here.
STRUGGLE: Hoss say it build character. Allegedly.
SKIP: Well, I’m at least gonna go outside for a minute.
STRUGGLE: Hm. Probably a good idea.
(The two turn around and start to leave, when all of a sudden, the office doors fly open, and OL’ ROSS GRACIE appears, brandishing a double barreled shotgun.)
HOSS: ALRIGHT YA GODDAMN BUSHWACKIN’ RATTLESNAKE MOTHERFUCKERS! TRYIN’ TO ROB OL’ HOSS ARE YA? I’M GONNA FILL YOUR HIDES SO FULL O’ LEAD, YOU’RE GONNA SHIT PELLETS FOR A WEEK!
SKIP: HOSS! Stop, it’s us!
STRUGGLE: (Yells something in Japanese that I couldn’t decipher, due to being extremely monolingual, but based on my knowledge of body language and tonality, it was just filled to the brim with cusses)
HOSS: What? Aw hell, sorry boys. Ol’ Hoss ain’t got his glasses on. I remember y’all. Scoop Lindsey and his young son, Colonel SANDERS, right?
SKIP: Bro! You could’ve killed us both!
HOSS: What? Aw bullshit, this thing ain’t even loaded!
(HOSS pumps his shotgun several times, ejecting a shell onto the dojo’s dirt floor every time.)
HOSS: Huh. Well whaddaya know? Anyways, important part is that it ain’t loaded now, at least. I think. Anywho, what brings you two here?
MEANWHILE…
Continue reading TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: MASTERS AND APPRENTICES
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: WAFFLE HOUSE AND ARBY’S
THE SCENE: Backstage after the opening match of STRUGGLE Pro THE COOL ZONE #1, a freshly-defeated YUMIKO LA GRANGE is not handling the loss well. Despite the intervention of STRUGGLE Pro head booker UNCLE ABDUL, it can be safely said that she is absolutely losing her shit.
YUMIKO LA GRANGE; What the fuck was that, anyway!? Lorelei Grim is like a thousand fucking pounds! She moves like a sloth! How the fuck can you not duck that lariat!?
TOSHIYO NAKANO: Please, Yumiko-san, I-I I try, but she just-
YLG: Do not give me a fucking excuse! DUCK! THE FUCKING! CLOTHESLINE!
UNCLE ABDUL: For Christ’s sakes, Yumiko, just calm down!
Continue reading TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: WAFFLE HOUSE AND ARBY’S